3 Tips to Getting Organized As a Couple Or Family

By Ann Bingley Gallops

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A significant amount of my work involves couples and families whose organizing difficulties are creating friction in their relationships. Does organization (or lack of it!) cause friction in yours?

When you consider the basic challenges of getting organized by yourself, you won't be surprised to know that it's more than twice as hard when two or more people are involved. It often takes the form of one person feeling frustrated because they think their partner is "the messy one" or too much of a pack rat. An important aspect of maintaining a satisfying relationship is having an organizational scheme that's respected, appreciated and maintained by both partners in a household.

Here are three specific actions you can take as a couple or family to make breakthroughs in organizing your mutual space, while minimizing hurt feelings. These ideas are based on establishing a healthy communication within your household; of course they'll work equally well if you're organizing solo.

1. Stop the Blame Game

Does one of you feel that the other is totally responsible for your home's disorganization? The kind of thing I hear is, "That's her mess!", or "He has no idea how to get organized!" But when I start the hard work of going through my clients' stuff with them, I usually find that things are not so black and white: both people have played a role in creating the situation.

Yes, people bring different habits and levels of tolerance to every aspect of sharing a home. But in close relationships it's essential to try to understand what's going on beneath the surface. Each person brings something to the challenge at hand, and each person can help to solve it.

Consider how you resolve other differences that come up in your lives together. Use that same approach to tackle this issue. Clutter can be described as "challenges made visible." Try taking it as a sign of "stuckness" that you have the opportunity to push through. Making progress with organization may even help you address other issues you're facing together. In any case, it's important to talk about it, and not fall into a cycle of blame.

2. Define the Territory

A frequent source of conflict for people sharing space is that they've never really come to an agreement about how best to use each room in their home. Rooms often collect whatever has landed there, instead of being used with a clear sense of purpose. When this kind of drift occurs, clutter accumulates.

The question you need to answer is, "what's the best way for us to use this space so that we get the support we need for our lives right now?" To use a common example: is your dining table covered with paper? Think about it: if you rarely use your dining room to gather and eat, then perhaps it would be better used as a home office.

Instead of feeling guilty and fielding constant challenges from your mate about a table drowning in paperwork, you might round up a desk and file cabinet, give those papers a home, and move the dining table aside. When you invite company once or twice a year, bring it out and dress it up for the occasion!

Along with your partner, go from room to room and discuss how to make the best use of each one. Come to an agreement about what function you want each space to serve, and you'll be well on your way to cooperation and organization. (Don't forget to give each person their own defined space in which to "be themselves". We all need that!)

3. Make Up the Rules

Finally, it's time to organize your stuff. As a couple or family, come up with basic criteria that everyone agrees on.

For example, my husband and I have a general agreement to sort out "mystery piles" of paper within a day or two of their accumulating. Yesterday's mail mixes with paper from the office which then attracts a bunch of receipts and printouts from the internet. Soon we've got a pile of paper and no idea what's in it. The faster we review it and take care of whatever needs our attention, the more space we have on our counters and tables for our "real lives."

Come up with guidelines that work for your household and make them part of your routine: when to put playthings away (your children's or your own!); how long to keep what kinds of paper; when to toss unread newspapers and magazines (a week? A month? Be realistic about your tendencies.). Setting up standards helps build good habits that will last a lifetime - and create more harmony in your home today.

A little organization in relationships can go a long way. Following these tips will help to alleviate tension caused by disorganization, and accordingly, will give you more space and time to enjoy your relationships.

Happy Organizing!