Are you frustrated by your "broken picker?" Learn how to navigate the tricky space between picky and selective using these four tips!
If you are sick of attracting men who are emotionally unavailable, it's not because you have a "broken picker!" More likely, you are not listening to what he says (many women have selective hearing and interpret everything he says based on what they want), not listening to your gut, or jumping into a relationship so fast it makes it hard to get out when you know it's the right thing to do.
Never fear, once you begin to recognize Dating With Dignity's "Four Signs of the Emotionally Unavailable Man" and how to effortlessly spot him, you will never again have to wonder what it means when he disappears, flakes, is hot and cold, or is words and actions are just plain confusing.
Clue #1: He directly says it to YOU. Yes, men typically mean what they say and say what they mean. He may simply tell you he's not looking for a relationship.
Drop the selective hearing, ladies, and start listening to the men you date immediately! He might tell you that you're "amazing," but he just can't commit to anything right now.
One of the biggest fears of this type of man is becoming lost in a relationship and losing his freedom. Often times these people really do want to connect with someone but are too afraid to start anything because they know they really aren't ready. And believe us: you can't be "so amazing" that he flips his switch and becomes your perfect mate. It rarely to never happens.
Clue #2: He is in a relationship... with someone else.
He probably shares LOTS of information about his relationships, which might give you the impression that he's sharing with you, and therefore you're being emotionally intimate. But someone who is in a relationship with SOMEONE ELSE cannot possibly be as open with you as you deserve.
While this advice seems obvious, I can't tell you how many women we see in our community who have been sold a pile of big doo doo when it comes to men being "sort of single." Bottom line, ladies: these excuses DO NOT count:
- We haven't had sex in years.
- We're moving into separate places any day now. It's financially difficult, but we're working on it.
- And, btw, I am miserable.
- Once the kids are (insert any milestone here), we're going to split.
- We haven't had sex in years. (Yes, it's here twice because for some reason this one is a big seller.)
- My wife is emotionally unstable. Soon...soon. She's in therapy.
- I don't feel like this with her, and you're amazing. I'm confused, but the truth is I love you. Can you be patient?
Get the picture?
Clue #3: He loves the chase; but once you respond positively, he stops calling.
Emotionally unavailable men have a push-pull strategy. They tend to pursue you hard toward the beginning. But once you let them know they've won you over, they pull away and often disappear for a week or two. If he has a consistent pattern of disappearing, this is a serious red flag.
It's even more concerning when he can't articulate what's happening for him during these periods. If he uses the words "busy" regarding why he seems to vanish, run immediately in the other direction.
Clue #4: His words don't match his actions.
When a man is full of mixed messages, it's not a good sign. He may surprise you with a weekend getaway and then cancel on you several times in a row the next week.He also hates planning ahead, and talking about the future terrifies him.
Having the belief that you don't deserve a whole, healthy, and satisfying relationship can be a reflection of low self esteem, and it's at these points in your life that you're more likely to settle for an emotionally unavailable man. There is no reason to settle.
So watch for these four signs of emotionally unavailable men, and make yourself available for someone who is emotionally available. You deserve the best! If you still have questions, consider consulting a dating coach.
Marni Battista, founder of Dating with Dignity, has professional training in dating and relationship coaching as well as training in the Core Energy Coaching Process from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC). A certified Life Coach through the International Coaching Federation, Battista is also a Master Practitioner at administering an Energy Assessment—“The D-Factor”—which helps clients pinpoint exactly why they are or are not "date-able" and what types of messages they unconsciously broadcast to men based on their thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes.