One of the most common complaints I receive in my relationship counseling work is "We hardly ever have sex." Since you might be addicted to the anger and complaining around this issue, I want to make sure you do ALL the right things so you get to continue being angry and complaining about it.
1. Be angry and complain
Given that anger and complaining are not at all erotic, be sure to continue to be angry and complain about the lack of sex. Your anger and complaints are SURE to turn your partner off.
2. Approach your partner needy
Both men and women tend to be turned off by someone who "needs sex to feel loved and validated." Most women are not attracted to little boys, so women are generally completely turned off by a man who approaches her as a needy little boy, needing sex to feel validated, safe and secure. The way to continue to be needy is to make sure that you do NOT take responsibility for your own self-esteem.
3. Give yourself up - be a caretaker
Completely ignore your own feelings and needs, putting yourself aside and doing all your partner wants you to do instead. By ignoring your own feelings and needs and doing everything you can to avoid conflict, you make sure that your partner has no respect for you whatsoever, which means he or she may see you as an object to be used. The more you are invisible to yourself, the more disrespect and demands you may receive from your partner, which may completely turn you off. In addition, the more you give yourself up, the less sexual you may feel.
4. Be demanding - be a taker
Make sure that you are narcissistic - demanding that your partner attend to you instead of to him or herself. See your partner as an object to service you, and if you do have sex, make sure it is quick to just satisfy you. If your partner does come on to you, make sure you shut down and become resistant. After all, you want to be in control and not be controlled! The last thing in the world you want is to be controlled by your partner.
Attempt to keep your partner occupied with what you want and make sure you are critical, demeaning, discounting, threatening, and ridiculing when your partner does what he or she wants. Be sure to crazy-make your partner by accusing him or her of being selfish when he or she doesn't want sex, when in reality you are the one being selfish. Keep up the good work! This is how you stay in control.
5. Be a couch potato
Most people, especially women, need some interaction to feel connected enough to want to have sex. Be sure to spend most of your free time watching TV or doing frivolous or mundane things, so that by the time you get into bed and may want to have sex, your partner is too bored with you or too disconnected from you to be interested.
6. Be emotionally unavailable, withdrawn or shut down
Many people, and especially women, need emotional intimacy to feel sexual. You can make sure you have no sex by being emotionally distant. Withdraw, shut down your feelings, and be totally in absorbed in things other than being present with your partner. Be too busy to interact with your partner. Wait for your partner to initiate. Be passive, take no initiative, protecting against rejection instead of taking responsibility for what you want. This pretty much guarantees no sex.
7. Take no physical responsibility
Dress poorly, be sloppy, and make sure you are not in good physical shape - that you are overweight or too skinny. Come to bed smelling badly. Eat poorly and don't exercise to make sure you get sick often and do not have a lot of energy. Come to bed intoxicated, giving your partner the message that you need to be under the influence to have sex with him or her.
Finally, the real key to never having sex is to do some or all of these things and then deny that they are the cause of your lack of sex! You can continue to be angry and complain only as long as you take no responsibility for the above choices!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org. Phone Sessions Available.
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