Too many attempts at a romantic love-reunion go wrong not because the other person does not want to give the relationship another try but because the confrontational dialogue or aggressive type approach used time and again by many men and women when trying to get their ex back repeatedly damages -- often irreparably-- the so vital early stages of reconciliation.
Confrontational dialogue can play out any number of ways, but it essentially includes preparation for confrontation or resistance, viewing the situation solely from one's perspective and attacking the person rather than addressing issues and problems. The likelihood that the exchange will be skewed towards a destructive direction is very high because of the posturing, hidden agendas, and inflammatory language used to try and force a desire outcome.
If confrontational dialogue or aggressive type approach is your default communication style, you're going to find it difficult (if not impossible) to get your ex back. When you see your ex as an opponent to be overpowered or an enemy to be defeated you find your mind set on trying to get things to go your way and your way alone. Sensing this, your ex will become defensive and go on the warpath. Hostility becomes the norm of interaction as each person quickly becomes distrustful and suspicious of the other's actions.
Quiet often both of you will dig in your heels and refuse to budge, making it difficult for both of you to recognize that you want the same things. You wind up fighting over every little thing; important issues get distorted and something that started as an attempt to resolve differences and restore the relationship turns into a big ugly disagreement.
Confrontational dialogue includes continuing to insist talking to someone who has expressed that they are either unable or unwilling to talk at the moment; lashing out and aiming hurtful comments at your ex; demanding that your ex correct a certain behavior or insisting that if only your ex was less emotional and more logical he or she would see that you are right and they are wrong.
Using words like the ones below can also quickly get the two of you disagreeing rather than agreeing:
"I knew you'd say that!"
"You are the one who.... Remember?"
"I wasn't going to but you...."
"Is that really necessary?"
"If you don't come back in two weeks, I will start seeing other people!"
"If you don't want to get back together, you can forget about being friends."
Once you go this road you've pretty much sealed your fate. Every confrontation, no matter how small it seems to be, builds up resistance and resentment. And the resistance may not necessarily be resistance to you or what you are saying but resistance to your communication style.
Can you remember as a child being persistently hounded with why can't you ever do this and do that, accused of something, forced to listen or apologize, or threatened with consequences by a parent or teacher, and finally saying, "Okay, whatever you say, can I go now?"
It doesn't work with children and it certainly won't work when you are dealing with an adult. The two of you are either going to get into a shouting match or your ex will just refuse to talk or even walk away.
You have to use an approach that will establish a successful dialogue; you have to behave as human being talking to other human being and adult taking to adult. You might not get exactly what you want (at that specific time), but at least you will be heard -- respected and even admired (once again).
Often times, the difference between getting what you want and not getting it is in how you ask.
If you are interested in learning how to get past "no" to getting "yes" without coming across as pushy, needy or controlling, you might want to check out my e-Book - Dating Your Ex - What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow And The Next Day To Get Your Ex Back.
About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.
Christine's main website: www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com