Commit or Die

Last Friday, I had an unsettling experience. I've been spending the past few months scouring the web, looking for places where men leave — and find — wisdom-droppings. You know what I mean by 'wisdom-droppings' don't you? They're those little sayings or stories or insights that you read or hear and come away thinking, 'I never thought of it that way!' They're the stuff that paradigm shifts are made of. They're flashes of insight that you can take away with you, not so much like the punch-line of a joke, but as a kind of motto that you pull up from time to time to remind you of what it takes to make a good decision. What I found was that out of 323 blogs listed in Blog Catalog under the heading of 'men's issues,' only three actually addressed men's issues. Would you like to know more?

There were a fair number of blogs dedicated to male sexuality (not surprisingly). There were a number dedicated to parenthood . . . again, not surprisingly. Yet, by far the greatest number of blogs dedicated to men's issues dealt with what George Carlin called 'stuff': lotions and potions to keep up your looks, clothes to make you look young and relevant, cars and gadgets and adult toys to satisfy your every whim. At the same time, these blogs promised their readers that they'd deliver "Men News, Men Lifestyle, Men Health, Men New Technology, Men Fashion, Men Reality, Men Relationship, Men Gadgets, Men Tips n Trick, It's All About Men Things." And all this concerns me. Why? Because men . . . yes all men . . . are facing some pretty rough times over the next few years. And, increasingly, as they're facing their moments of truth, guys are giving up and checking out: big time.

According to statistics recently quoted by Dr. Jed Diamond, suicide claims the lives of over 800,000 people per year, worldwide. Of these, the vast majority (in ratios of anywhere from 4:1 to 10:1, depending on the location and culture) are men. Dr. Diamond writes (in The Irritable Male Syndrome), "A number of factors may account for the increased suicide rate as men age. Social isolation, divorce, and widowhood are important risk factors for men." Here's my take on the situation: guys may very well be culturally ill-equipped to deal with the crux of midlife. Popular culture paints the midlife crisis as hilarious. No doubt, even the most tragic of human drama has its comic relief. My concern focuses on the implication that men's midlife crisis is a joke or an unsightly blemish that can be neatly covered over with a gym membership, a makeover, or Superbowl tickets. In fact, it's anything but a joke. No matter who you are, the midlife transition represents your chance — perhaps even your only chance — to get it right.

What if the majority of your life was spent in acquiring the knowledge, skills, and experience necessary to meet an incredibly serious and critically important challenge. What if someone was preparing you — behind the scenes — to undertake a sacred and solemn quest that would transform your life from a meaningless, lackluster Walter Mitty existence to something that had a timeless and universal impact? What if???

What if, at some point along the gray, uneven flagstones that you shuffle over as husband, parent, provider, protector, and all those other hats that you wear from early morning until late at night without respite, you suddenly found yourself face-on with a seemingly-unbeatable foe or an insurmountable challenge? What would you do? . . . What could you do? . . . What will you do?

Neither your strenuous preparation nor your eventual confrontation with a seemingly-insurmountable challenge (or seemingly-unobtainable goal) is actually theoretical. It's as real as the breath that you breathe right now. If it hasn't already done so, it will come and you will be faced with what will literally be the decision of your life. It will be the moment where absolutely everything about you will be on the line. It'll be the moment when you have the chance to go "all-in" (or not). There will come a moment, as there must in every man's life, when none of the 'stuff' you've surrounded yourself with will make any difference. None of it will be able to shield you from the truth of the challenge you must face.

Did you ever see the musical Man of La Mancha? It's the story of Don Quixote and his quest for his ideal lady: Dulcinea. Quixote's moment comes (in the musical) when he's challenged by the Knight of the Mirrors. He cannot turn away: wherever he looks, he's forced to see himself as he really is: a silly old man with a shaving basin on his head. The dream world of chivalry that he had built so long and with such fervor shatters. He's faced with the choice of redefining his life or collapsing in utter despair. Sadly, he chooses a retreat into despair.

When I was 38, my moment came to me. Ten years earlier, I remember prostrating myself on the floor in the Cathedral as prayers were sung calling on heaven and earth to support me and my fellow candidates in our ministries. Moments later, the hands of the bishop and all the priests in attendance were laid on my head. There was no question whatever in my mind how my life would unfold.

Then came that other day when I stood surrounded by men and women who were going through similar struggles to my own, and they were saying to me: "Les, what do you feel?" For the first time, the truth of what I felt broke through all the layers of 'stuff' and denial I had built up over the years. "I can't do this anymore!" I replied. "So, what are you going to do?" they asked. I looked into the abyss of commitment.

Would I fall back into the path I had paved for myself since I was nine years old? Would I deny what I had seen and felt in my heart? Or, would I step off the edge of that cliff, go 'all-in' and commit myself fully and without guarantees to my own truth? "I have no choice," I said, "I have to leave the ministry." And, for better or worse, at that moment, it was done. Was it the right decision? I don't know, even today. What I do know is that it was MY decision, fully committed with every fiber of my being to MY truth, and no one else's.

What do I mean, then, when I say "Commit or Die"? That's the midlife choice that each one of us must make, isn't it? There will come a moment when there'll be no mother, no father, no wife or husband whose words, thoughts, actions, or beliefs about us and about our lives and their directions will make any difference. There will be a moment when their voices will be silent, either because they have left us (or we have left them) or because our hearts can no longer hear them anymore. There will come that moment of decision when we have to look into the reflection in our own Knight of the Mirrors and make our choice with no one to guide us but the Spirit within and no one else to take us by the hand.

Can we choose wrongly? Yes, we can . . . but only if we choose inauthentically and betray our own heart and soul in the process. If we do, we die — whether our soul simply shrivels into a quivering mass of cowardice or whether we play "Richard Cory."

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Does it really matter whether or not the blood still pulses through our veins so long as our soul is dead?

The midlife choice awaits each of us — and in the end it is no joke — the choice that none can prepare you for, and that none can make in your stead is unique for every man, yet common to us all: commit, or die?