Complacency Threatens Marriages by Billy D. Haddock, Ph.D.

“I’d like an appointment today, after 5 pm,” he said. “I work out of town and took the week off to save my marriage,” he explained. It was Thursday. He went on to explain that his wife wasn’t willing to take off work to come in during regular hours. When asked how he learned of my work, he said he picked the name out of the Yellow Pages. I suspected this marriage was suffering from complacency.

Complacency, an overconfident satisfaction with oneself or feeling of smugness, drives many marriages, families, and, even organizations, into trouble by ignoring important issues. “Competitors” threaten marriages. After the initial romance wears off or after several successful, enjoyable years behind them, many marriages become complacent. Children and careers compete for attention, time, and energy. Pursuit of money, power, or recognition also competes against a marriage. “The competition,” whatever the source, constantly looks over your shoulder.

Concerned spouses fight complacency within their boundaries while monitoring the threat of “competitors” from without. Many people suffer from a tendency to filter out certain information that does not agree with “their” reality, even if it is true and factual. These same people also tend to believe (filter in) information that is not true or factual, simply because it fits with “their” sense of reality. Referred to as, “having your blinders on” or “ego traps,” this kind of thinking is actually a form of denial that involves neglect. Lack of attention to early warning signs only escalates problems to a crisis level. You have to be willing and able to see, accept reality, and deal with the threats now.

In the 50’s or 60’s, people lived with a fair amount of complacency in their marriage, but times have changed dramatically. On a 1-10 scale of satisfaction, in the good old days, a marriage might function at a three or a four and still hold up against “the competition.” Now people demand six’s, seven's, and eight's . . . and experience it for short periods. Research on marriages supports this idea. John Gottman, professor at the University of Washington, reports that a marriage is in trouble if it functions below a 51% level of positive interactions. Remaining at the three or four that people settled for in the past, holding steadfastly to your ideals, and resisting change of any sort, may lead you to divorce court.

Having an outside, objective check-up done on your marriage is one way to fight complacency. Gradually, we are learning that the easiest time to correct a problem is before it becomes costly. In marriages, complacency contributes to division. At least one spouse (if not both) is often too close to notice the threats of complacency. An outside advisor offers an objective, informed opinion. If you listen carefully, they often raise important questions regarding your relationship and how well it is functioning. Too many marriages pay a huge price because they wait too long for that “check-up.” Some are not able to recover. It is more difficult, expensive and time consuming to correct a problem that has been quietly and unnoticeably building into a crisis.

We wrongly think, “divorce won’t happen to us.” We magically think we are immune and we know what we are doing! Partners procrastinate in seeking outside help and/or hold back because of the expense. This procrastination leads to a delay that costs the marriage more in the long-term than immediate problem solving.

Marriages in trouble from complacency and stagnation are often vulnerable to “the competitors.” A wise counselor or consultant acts as a healthy third party that helps improve the functioning of the relationship. Having the foresight to call in professional help makes good sense. It is time we began developing these qualities within our marriages. Good leadership and good marriages go together. How do you rate your marriage? - B.H.


Top of Page