Lack of confidence, self-doubt and low self-esteem stem from negative talk within yourself. This negative talk was programmed into you as a child. Yes, it was your parents or friends or role models that messed you up. However, that was then and there is nothing you can do to change that. But ...Lack of confidence, self-doubt and low self-esteem stem from negative talk within yourself. This negative talk was programmed into you as a child. Yes, it was your parents or friends or role models that messed you up. However, that was then and there is nothing you can do to change that. But now, it is you who chooses to hold on to these messages - even if they don’t serve you. The good news is, you can change this just as you have changed other beliefs in your life. For example, you probably don’t believe that cleaning off your plate at meals will affect starving children in Africa. However, you may still hear that negative voice that says you never finish what you start; or that you are always causing problems; or that you will never amount to anything.
This childhood programming is your biggest asset and your biggest obstacle in getting what you want out of life. It can help you succeed and hold you back from attaining all you are capable of being. Hold on to what serves you and notice what doesn’t, because the negative programming that holds you back can be changed and here is how it works.
There are three significant components within you that control feelings, thoughts and actions. They are your child, your parent and your spirit.
Yes we still are little children at heart. Your inner child is responsible for your feelings. Those feelings are mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed and hurt. When something happens to you, good or bad, it is your child that reacts. The child is in charge of your feelings. For example, someone says a negative thing to you and you react. The child is feeling mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed and/or hurt - any combination, any number. In this instant let’s say you feel mad, sad and hurt. Mad because it’s not true. Sad because it was mean. Hurt because you trusted this person. The child in you feels this and reacts. It will act-in - pout, cry, become depressed or act-out - say something in retort, yell, take a punch or storm out.
Your child has not been programmed. This is the real you. So if you want to know who you are and what you really want from and for yourself, start talking and listening to your inner child. Ask what you’re feeling and listen. This will take a little work, but it’s worth it.
The parent in you is your director. It is your guide, your coach, your teacher, your protector and more. It nourishes you, but can and does abuse you. For example, I would really like to play golf right now - child in me wants to play. However, I have to work on these articles- parent guiding me. This is good up to a point. If that little voice inside is nagging, telling me to spend all my time to get these articles finished on time, this is abusive. My parent after a point has to say, “Let’s take a break. Let’s play.” This is nourishing. So how did your inner parent - that little voice - learn to be nurturing or abusive? It learned or was programmed by your real parents and other significant influences in your life. That little voice is mimicking your real parents, teachers and role models.
Self-doubt or lack of confidence is negative talk within you. It is coming from the inner parent sending up cautions, or it is berating you. Listen to names you call yourself or derogatory things you say to yourself. Where does this come from? Now did your life influences mean to screw you up? - I’ll say ‘No.’ They probably didn’t know any better. Their parents probably messed them up worse with negative programming. Then they passed it down to you. They didn’t mean to negatively affect you and on the bright side they positively programmed you in many ways. However, that’s what you got and that’s history. Unfortunately, it left some scars and for sure limitations, fears and debilitating beliefs.
So how do you get rid of the negative voice or any other baggage you’re carrying? You first take note of what you’re feeling. Believe me, this will take some concentration. Try it. What are you feeling as you read this? Mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, hurt. Is this a good feeling for you? Does it serve you? If not, do you want to change that negative voice? If yes, you must turn to your coach, protector, guide (your inner parent) and say, “Let’s change the program. It’s not serving me. Parent, make it happen.”
Now your parent will probably say, “Well how am I going to do that?” This is where you turn to your spirit.
Your spirit is your enabler. It is responsible for your motivation, your creativity, your problem-solving capabilities, your clairvoyance, your inspiration and more. The spirit kicks in when activated by you. I call this rallying your spirit. You’ve done it all your life. Some positive self-talk. Some pray. Others meditate. It’s all about calling out for help. If you ask yourself to change, your spirit will kick in and give you alternatives, options and suggestions. It can enable your parent to start leading you in a new direction. It will give you the insights to write a plan, the motivation to act, the inspiration on where to seek help. It’s all there for the asking and listening.
Let’s go back to doing something about your negative voice. Ask yourself, “What can I do to become confident and live with a positive voice?” You will get an answer. Ask yourself, “How come I put myself down?” Try it. Stop and listen to yourself. You will get an answer or an idea. You may get an instant answer or you may have to give it some time. I call this the sleep on it principle.
As mentioned above you’ve been doing this subconsciously or unconsciously all your life. You wanted a job. Child wanted the benefits of money. Parent said, “You need employment.” So you talked to yourself (spirit) and you asked, “What will I do?” or “Where will I work?” Somewhere along the line inspiration came (spirit) to your parent who directed you where to look, what to do and whom to call.
While writing this, there were many moments when my child said, “I don’t want to write today.” My parent was saying, “You’ve got to do it.” So my child cried out to the spirit, “How am I going to do this?” Parent says, “Sit down and start writing.” Next thing I know I’m at the computer writing and thoughts are flowing.
Let’s use the Trinity to prepare ourselves to be confident. Your child has to say, “I’m good.” Your parent must support this feeling. “You are good, but you must prepare. Let’s learn and prepare.” Yet, you feel nervous and uncomfortable. Ask your spirit for help. Some say to themselves, “Oh Lord, help me.” Others say, “What can I do?” Others stop and meditate and wait for inspiration. Whatever your style, become conscious of it. Use it in a positive way and it will happen. You have the responsibility to make yourself confident. You can rally your spirit and get your parent to work for and support you. However, you have to tell yourself that you want it and believe it.
I have a friend that is a mediocre golfer - 20 handicap, overweight and not physically special. Occasionally during a match, he will stand on the tee and announce what a great athlete he is. Sure enough, he nails a drive long and straight into the middle of the fairway. What he’s doing is talking to himself and rallying his spirit. While he is going through this drill, the rest of us are listening and shaking our heads in disbelief, but it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that he is listening to himself. He is saying, “Spirit make this happen. Parent, visualize where it should go and the path to get it there.” He then subconsciously puts it into his spirit’s world and swings. When complete, his child is jumping for joy and razing us about his extraordinary capabilities. We just walk away with wonder and annoyance.
If you don’t believe you can become whatever you want to be ask yourself, “Why? What was programmed in me that makes me believe I can’t take the initiative and be confident that I can do it? How come I can be confident in other situations and do things for other people?”
If you ask yourself for what you want, you’ll get answers on how to get it - if you listen. You may not like what you hear and you may not want to expend the effort required, but you will get answers, plans, solutions, etc. for you to act on. Now to get yourself to act on it, again, ask yourself, “How will I bring myself to act?” Then listen.
Keep calling on your spirit. Inspiration, motivation, directions and luck will come. It may take some time and not flow as expeditiously as you’d like, but it will come. Have you ever heard the expression, “Things happen for the best”? They do, but they don’t happen by themselves. You make those things happen. Your spirit inspires you. Your parent directs you. You pursue a new course that makes your child happy. Life is then good. If it’s not, your child becomes unhappy and acts-in or acts-out.
Overcoming self-doubt and becoming confidence will help you get what you want. Confidence makes you believable and credible especially to yourself. However, there may be obstacles and/or sacrifices that you are unwilling to deal with. This is OK if you consciously admit to it. You have analyzed it objectively and decided to move on without it. This is OK and there is no self-blaming. Without this awareness you tend to put yourself down which is negative reinforcement of self-worth. Your child suffers and the next endeavor will be in jeopardy.
So to get yourself confident to pursue a task or a dream, sense your feelings. If you’re not happy, and feeling afraid, ask yourself, “Why?” Then tell your parent to change this. Tell your parent to visualize the outcome you want. How does your child feel seeing that visualization? When your parent starts sending out all kinds of cautions, excuses or doesn’t know what to do, rally your spirit. Then sleep on it. It will come in one form or another.
And now I invite you to learn more about using your newly found confidence.
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