How to Choose a Good Partner

By Susan Dunn

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The best way to choose a partner is using your emotional intelligence. Here are ten tips.

1. Sexual attraction is based on a primitive and powerful feelings that can "hijack" us.

It comes from the reptilian brain and is automatic and powerful because it relates to our survival. It is not, in itself, a reason to act or react. Don't let yourself get "hijacked." Take a second look; get up to your limbic brain (bonding, parenting, relationships) and your neocortex (thinking) for this important decision. More on this later.

2. Touching is very important to our mental and physical health.

Choose a partner who is affectionate, who likes to touch you and be touched.

3. Most communication is nonverbal.

Choose a partner who looks at you with affection and kindness in their eyes. Emotions are contagious and largely transmitted through the eyes!

4. Think as well as feel your way through this decision.

Emotional intelligence means using all 3 of your brains -- including the neocortex, the thinking brain. Contrary to what some people think, EQ doesn't mean "only emotions." It means thinking as well as feeling. Consider compatibility -- family background, values, goals, how he or she takes care of their physical and mental health. Consider general living style. The find-a-roommate-site asks just a few questions. Among them are -- drug use, when you like to get up and go to bed, your level of neatness, and how quiet you like to be. Pay attention. You'll be living with this person. DO use your intuition. It's a strong guide. If you need to develop your intuition, work with an EQ Coach ( http://www.susandunn.cc ) or Intuition Coach ( http://www.bemyguide.net ).

5. Consider the emotional self-awareness of your partner, and their awareness of your emotions; their ability at empathy.

Studies show that one of the most predictive traits for compatibility is if one partner is able to sense the sadness of the other.

6. How optimistic is this person ?

Optimism is the facilitator of all the emotional intelligence competencies. In addition, optimists live longer, enjoy better health, heal more quickly, and accomplish more. Emotions are contagious, and optimism is a forcefield you want in your life. It can be learned ( http://www.susandunn.cc/courses.htm ).

7. Be intentional and expect it in your partner.

Intentionality is an EQ competency that means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It also means being accountable for the motives behind your actions. You'll need to be in touch with this yourself, and have a partner who is as well, because partnering requires a commitment, i.e., Intentionality. Intentionality means you're not "allowed" to say, "I didn't mean to ..." High-level skill. Good one to look for.

8. Consider the level of your intended partner’s resilience.

You’ll be together a long time, through ups and downs, and life can throw you some curves. How do they manage adverse events and setbacks ? Have they been able to grow through adversity, not just go through it?

9. How do you and your partner manage anger--your own anger and that of the other?

Studies show that the most successful couples are those who are able to soothe one another instead of agitating and escalating in an argument.

10. How balanced is their life?

Do they combine learning, working and leisure? Studies show that people who die in their 5th and 6th decade havfe this life trajectory: school, then work, then leisure. Resilient seniors combine all three during all stages of their life. You'll want the one you love to be around a long time!