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Forgive Yourself Back To Birth
By
Marla Stone, LCSW |
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I have so many times worked on forgiving others for acts of in-justices, unkind acts, hurtful things said or done, anything I deemed a wrong done to me. I have worked on empathy so that I would be able to forgive the perpetrators over and over and over again. It seemed like it was a never ending saga of forgiving rituals. I wondered if I would ever be able to forgive enough that the deeds done would die down completely, from my mind, emotions and body. It did not seem to work. I would keep forgiving, feel better for awhile and then the terrible feelings would seem to creep back. Anyone who had punched me physically, emotionally or mentally would crawl back into my psyche and I would get all keyed up and bitter again. I would say to myself, this is crazy, I forgave them. What is wrong with me that I cannot get over this.
well, first of all I had it all backwards. In order to forgive others, you have to forgive yourself. Also getting "over" things is not the answer either. If you go over something it means it is still there. You have to work "through" painful issues. Forgive yourself, you say. What should I forgive myself for? I didn't demean, punish inappropriately, lie, cheat or steal from myself! I didn't crush my ego, step on my own foot, rape myself!! I am not the one who has to be forgiven. Well actually, yes you are!! Every action has a cause and effect. In order to have been the "victim" of someone else's inappropriate behavior, you were there, you were the other character in that script. You ended up hanging around abusive people, or you were born into a dysfunctional family, or married a person who created a domestic dynamic of abuse, you walked down the wrong street, at the wrong time, you were the effect of a cause (the abuser). Remember you were not the cause. Rember you can tear up that script by forgiving yourself.
You may have difficulty taking ownership of your part, saying to yourself, I did not choose my family, or I did not know my partner was abusive, at first, or I did not know it would not safe to walk alone, or I have absolutely no part in the anger or violence that was besieged unto me. It is very difficult to digest this process of forgiving oneself, for a part in the event. If it were not the truth, though, I would not be so bold to propose this as truth. But it is the truth, and the only way you can prove it to yourself, is to test it out. Go ahead, forgive yourself.
If you still have painful memories or specific events that bother you, and you have worked on forgiving only the party that caused the grief, deceit and wounds, and the memory or events keep coming to the surface and reigniting deep feelings of distress, antagonising you over and over, than forgive the part of you that may have led you to be the effect of that event. A wise old woman once told me, forgive yourself all the way back to birth. I know that sounds wild, but try it. Forgive the part that yelled too loud, forgive the part that didn't stand up for yourself, forgive the part that was mean back, or mean at a different stages in your life, forgive the part that tolerated smaller negative deeds towards yourself, forgive the part that was speechless, forgive the part of you that was absent-minded instead of mindful, forgive yourself for any part that determined the event was done to you and how you reacted to it. Forgive yourself all the way back to birth.
Author's Bio
Marla Stone is a Licensed Clincal Social Worker in private practice in Southern California. Marla provides in person therapy, tele-therapy and on-line counseling sessions. Marla is the creator of www.perfectlypaired.com
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