Are You in an Abusive Situation?by Colin Gabriel Hatcher & Randall Beers

An abusive relationship is a non-consensual relationship where you are forced against your will to comply with another's demands and expectations, to the detriment of your health, happiness, confidence and well-being. You may comply because you are afraid of the consequences of refusing to comply (violence, insults, rejection, abandonment), or because you feel you have no other choices.

There are many levels of abuse involving some or all of the many symptoms listed below. A lot of abuse is so low level and has been going on for so long that you may not even realize that you are IN an abusive situation. On the other hand some of the symptoms below considered on their own might not be abusive at all, being the result of discussion, consent and agreement between you and your significant other (for example, many couples freely and happily agree that one of them will handle all the money, because the other does not want to).

Remember, abusive behavior is behavior towards you that either you did not freely consent to and which causes you harm. Remember also that abuse is not gender or age specific - both men and women can be abusers or abused, and children can be abusive towards their parents, or abused by their parents.

Read through the lists below and reflect on your own relationship.

Is your significant other:

Using Emotional Abuse

Putting you down
Making you feel bad about yourself
Calling you names
Making you think you're crazy
Playing mind games
Humiliating you
Treating you like a child
Making you feel guilty
Constant criticism of your appearance

Using Controlling Behavior

Treating you like a servant
Making all the big decisions
Being the one to define roles
Making you unimportant
Punishment for not "obeying"
Ordering you around
Losing their temper if questioned or challenged
Requiring that you agree
Making you account for every minute when you are away from them

Using Economic Abuse

Preventing you from getting a job
Making you ask for money
Giving you an allowance
Taking your money
Secretive about income
Making you account for every penny spent

Using Coercion and Threats

Making or carrying out threats
Threatening to leave, to commit suicide, to report you to welfare
Making you drop charges
Making you do illegal things

Using Isolation

Controlling what you do, who you see and talk to, what you read, &
where you go
Limiting your outside involvement
Using jealousy to justify actions
Destroying your support system
Alienating you from your family
Accusing you of having affairs, which leads to you being afraid to
develop friendships
Being rude or hostile to your friends
Keeping you in solitary confinement
Sensory deprivation, for example blindfolding or keeping you in the
dark

Using Children

Making you feel guilty about the children
Using the children to relay hostile messages
Using visitation to harass you
Threatening to take the children
Threatening to hurt you through them
Blaming you for any problems the children are having
Hurting the children in front of you
Punishing the children for something you did

Using Intimidation

Making you afraid (looks, gestures, actions)
Smashing things
Abusing Pets
Displaying Weapons
Threatening to expose your "weakness"
Threatening to "tell"

Minimizing, Denying, Blaming

Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it
seriously
Saying the abuse didn't happen
Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
Claiming it was an accident
Hurting you while pretending it is just a game

Using Violence

Slapping, punching or kicking you
Pushing, shaking, squeezing, or hair pulling
Tying you up, restraining you
Hurting you with weapons (including belts, a chair, electrical cords
etc)
Burning or cutting you
Rape

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