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Healing Stressful Relationships: A Mind Shift
By
Telka Arend-Ritter A.C.S.W. |
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Stressful relationships are like tight shoes.
Do you break them in or shop for a better fit?
“Your feet can’t be that big.” I heard my mother’s comment as a fact. My feet could not be “that big.” I was 12 or 13 years old, standing in the shoe store, trying to decide between two sizes of woman’s shoes. Could the shoes pinching my feet be the correct size? They must be. Here was my mother, my gene pool, standing beside me in tiny little feet and saying, “You just couldn’t have grown that much.”
At the moment, I made the connection between shoes and pain. I would wear shoes only when absolutely necessary. When summers came, the shoes were forgotten. I was able to sneak through entire summers bare-footed. Those 1970’s fashions saved the day in stores, restaurants and theaters. Hiding naked toes under the oversized bell-bottoms, no one could see that my feet were happy, pain free and shoeless.
The start of school signaled another trip to the shoe store. Again, my mother could not believe the growth. I heard the now familiar words “Your feet can’t be that big.” Though pinching and uncomfortable, I nodded in agreement to the smaller size shoe. After all, shoes are supposed to hurt aren’t they? That is why Band Aids have special sizes for blisters.
And so it went. For years I wore shoes like a burden. Much like the women who endured the confines of girdles and corsets generations before me, I endured tiny, ill-fitting shoes. I was embarrassed to admit that when the day came for me to purchase my own shoes, I did not solve my problem. Still believing that shoes hurt, I chose to continue buying tight shoes. I had seen TV commercials where other people rubbed their aching feet. Products to treat burning and aching feet lined the drug stores shelves-further proof that shoes hurt. Shoes and pain seemed like a perfect fit.
And so it went for several more years until taking the first step toward the mind shift that would set me free. I married a man who did not know that shoes were supposed to hurt. As we shopped, rather than working his way down the rack seeking smaller and smaller sizes, he suggested that if my shoes felt tight or uncomfortable, perhaps I could try a wider or larger size.
WHAT???
I felt dizzy. The world was spinning. Permission to wear bigger shoes? Could it be true? Could someone love a girl with feet that big? I selected a pair of wider flats that felt better- ish. My toes were cramped, but they could wiggle and breathe. Progress! I did a happy dance in the store and left wearing the new shoes with cramped but wiggling toes.
My final step toward healing my thoughts came in 1990. Because of my pregnancy, I was getting bigger everywhere. I had read in a mothering magazine that during pregnancy women’s feet could actually grow a whole shoe size and that was okay. Change was normal. Growth was expected. I re-read the words until I could feel my toes getting excited. I trotted off to the shoe store, with cramped but wiggling toes and returned home with no crowding or pinching and lots of wiggle room. For the first time ever, I had totally happy feet in shoes!
I consider myself very lucky. My distorted belief just involved shoes and pain. As a clinical social worker, I treat people who suffer from beliefs that connect relationships and pain or even life and pain. The belief in pain is learned through role- modeling, chaotic lifestyles, domestic violence, abuse, neglect and addictions of every kind. Once learned, this belief in pain creates a cycle that is fueled by self-destructive choices. The cycle continues until healthier thinking and alternate choices transform the pain into wisdom or opportunity.
Although my distorted belief was minor in comparison, I still did not learn to change my life immediately. As long as my belief went unchallenged, I spent my own money purchasing more tight shoes. I was responsible for normalizing my discomfort rather than seeking ways to heal it.
Einstein understood the lesson of tight shoes when he said that problems are never solved with the same type of thinking that created them. Change begins once we grant ourselves permission to grow. With this permission, painful thoughts, behaviors or habits are transformed into valuable life lessons.
Over the years, I have received a variety of responses to my tight shoes analogy. Many people confide their secret beliefs that they must be “worthless,” “unwanted,” “stupid,” “ugly,” “failures,” or “not enough” because someone told them so. The numbers of people who declare their power to heal and change those beliefs always inspire me. My favorite response came in a greeting card sent by a young woman several years after she had completed treatment. She added a personal note detailing her successful recovery and transformed life. That card, now taped to my office door reads, “Life is too short to wear tight shoes.” When life hurts, rather than believing that pain is the only option, let’s challenge that belief. Let’s shop for a better fit.
Except from Chapter 2, Stressful Relationships,
Change Your Thoughts, Heal Your Life
Eleven Week Self-Help Workbook
to Transform Wounds into Wisdom
and Pain into Purpose.
Author's Bio
Telka Arend-Ritter, M.S.W., A.C.S.W. is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in individual, marital and group solution-focused therapy. She has worked as a behavioral health and addictions therapist, educator and public speaker for over 20 years.
Telka is the author and facilitator of a unique solution-focused, cognitive-behavioral treatment program designed to address stress, mood disorders, relationship problems and recovery issues.
A graduate of Michigan State University, Telka resides near Lansing, Michigan with her psychologist husband, their teenage daughter and a middle-aged cat.
Services Available
Telka Arend-Ritter offers solution-focused, cognitive-behavioral therapy and consulting services, most notably workshops, seminars and educational training in the high-performance skills of mood and behavioral management. Both the content and format of all programs are custom tailored to specific organizational needs.
Instructional power-point presentations and written workbook materials are available as well as other skill oriented materials that serve as a follow-up support system. If you would like to arrange for Telka to speak to your organization, conduct classes in your area or are interested in other materials, you can contact her through:
Website: www.TelkaArend-Ritter.com
Telka Arend-Ritter A.C.S.W., PC
Solution Focused Therapy Services
2109 Hamilton Rd Suite 116
Okemos, Michigan 48864
Office Telephone: 517-853-5799
Email: TelkaAR@comcast.net
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