How to Detach in a Codependent Relationship
A lot of the time as a codependent you get caught up in others lives. You become obsessed with another and you feel responsible for what happens in the others life. Your own life falls to the way side and you hardly notice. Your main concern sometimes is how your relationship appears to the outside world. It could be some time before you realize or even notice what has become of your inner world. You then realize the sacrifices you have made. As a codependent you don’t like to have anyone mad at you, so you continue to let things ride out as they are.
You lack the personal power that would keep you separate from others to the point you hardly recognize your own life because it is so wrapped up in another’s. The mistreatment continues as your self-esteem plummets. Your inner peace is damaged so that you can receive the love and approval you seek.
You believe that if you continue on the road you are traveling you will help heal the other. That is the goal in your mind, but a codependent will never heal another by putting up with abuse or by continuing to rescue them and bail them out of circumstances, or make excuses for them.
In order for you to begin building your life with sights on your own life and not another’s, you will have to detach yourself from the other. You do not have to totally detach from the other, only from the areas of their life you wish not to be involved with. Be strong enough to separate yourself from those areas of the others’ life and stop spending time making excuses for them.
We are all responsible for ourselves and the choices we make. And once we make those choices there are consequences that follow. There is an old parable regarding an older Cherokee man teaching his grandson about life. He tells the boy, “A fight is going on inside me. It is a fight between two wolves. One is evil, one is good.” He goes on to describe the emotions of each. He tells the boy the same fight is going on inside him as well as every other person. The boy asks “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee replies, “The one you feed.”
Start to focus on your own life again. Set limits and boundaries on the areas you do not want to be associated with. Do not blame the other or get stuck in anger regarding past situations. This is not empowering to you. It was your choice as much as the other person’s.
Begin to start looking at your own life and ways you can improve it. Start to listen to your inner voice. Remember what your dreams are. Begin to build them. Learn to trust yourself. You cannot fill a void you feel within your life by someone or something outside yourself. Stand up for yourself and do not let the situation continue as it has. Require the respect you deserve.
© 2007 Lori Klauser
Visit Lori at: loriklauser.com. Receive her free e-book Traveling the Road of Codependency when you sign up for her newsletter. She takes codependency one-step at a time; delivering concepts that help you master healing.