Love relationships start as the biggest thing in life, but relationships change as time goes by. Suddenly, when you find your partner has become strong and dominating and you are weak and inferior, you ask yourself, how do I successfully create the long-lasting love relationship that I am worth and really want to achieve?
You feel that you have become unsure about what you like and what your partner thinks. You do not believe that you can achieve what you want. The big question is, where did your great relationship go, and how do you find your way back?
To find the answer, we must concentrate on you!
Now you cry, what about my partner? Why do we not talk about him or her? The answer is that only you can take responsibility for yourself and your life. Trust me—you can successfully find your answers and create what you want.
When you want to successfully achieve a long-lasting love relationship, the most powerful and simple tool is the What-Why-How-Where-When (WWHWW™) model, which I will introduce to you.
Many things change over time, and we all grow and learn every day from what we experience in our lives. How you maintain your love relationship depends on your values together with your experiences. Values are the beliefs and self-instructions that you have committed to. To be explicit, most of your values were subconsciously committed to a long time ago, and they run everything you do.
Take Bill as an example: He has been consciously seeking love, but he subconsciously feels unworthy. He never managed to have a long relationship until he became aware of these subconscious values. After working his values through, Bill created his new values and has now had a successful relationship for the past 10 years.
Begin your process by asking the following:
• What do I want in my relationship?
• What do I dislike?
• What has changed since I first met my partner?
• Who was I when we met?
• What is the worst thing that can happen? Is it not better to know that than to live in unhappiness?
You can and must decide what is true for you—you have the right and the responsibility to choose how you want to live your life. Remember, no one else can do that for you.
The truth is that we all learn how to live and run a love relationship when we grow up and see our parents. Sometimes it can help you to look back on their relationship. Remember to do this with a grown-up way of looking instead of going back to the young you. How would you describe your parents’ relationship today? Can you see similarities between their behavior and your behavior in your relationship?
Why is it that the values you committed to when you were young still run your life after you have grown up? Because those values subconsciously follow you all the time until you create and commit to new, true values. Let us look at how subconscious values can impact your life when they do not fit with your grown-up life.
The most common effect is anger, which has three common faces. The first is depression, being the face of anger that turns against you—you reject, hate, and blame yourself. The second face is passive aggression, when you do not take responsibility for the aggression and blame others for what you have set in motion. Finally, the third face is when you are angry but smile and pretend to be someone you are not—you are fooling others. When you do this, you lose your self-respect.
To get rid of this anger, you must become aware of it. Ask yourself the following:
• Why do you not like yourself?
• Why do you blame others?
• Why do you feel anger?
• Why do you want to change?
You must create new values when you feel stuck on old ones. Remember that we do not want to change—it is hard work and uncomfortable, but worth everything.
Now it is time to find out how everything has become what it is and how you can create the successful change you really want. Take three different sheets of paper and label them “Me in the Beginning” (describe the person you were when your relationship began), “Me Today” (describe the person you are today), and “Me in My Dreams” (describe how you want to be).
Begin your creative process by observing yourself for a few weeks. Look for feelings and thoughts like the following:
• In the beginning . . .
• You make me . . .
• You do not . . .
• It is your . . .
• I do not like . . .
• I want . . .
No matter what you think, I guarantee that thoughts like those above are controlling you all the time. The subconscious values that create those thoughts continuously sabotage you in your relationship. Every time you notice these thoughts and feelings, write them down on the correct paper. Describe what you feel, think, and the images you might see. Take your time, and be honest with yourself.
When you feel ready, take your papers with you and go to a place where you can be totally undisturbed. Read, think, and feel through everything you have written. Look for patterns. Use this thinking loop: Why do I feel this—what can I change—what if that happens—what happens then? Peel down layer after layer, like an onion, until you find your true, core values. Now you understand your subconscious values, and it is time to create and commit to new values that fit with your life today.
One of the greatest ways to find new values is to look for the polar opposite value of the old one. Also, create as many different perspectives as you can around each old value. Think, feel, and trust yourself in the process of truly developing the new right values for you! To help yourself achieve the new values, write them down on small cards and carry them with you always.
If you create many new values, where do you begin? The answer is to prioritize and choose the three most important ones. In your heart, commit to begin living from these. To change and live a new value takes time and consistent practice, so overcome your personal challenges by stepping out of your comfort zone and taking action. Remember to focus on sharing your good qualities with others.
Now, when you are truly committed to your new values, start taking action immediately! Be aware of procrastination, and if you think to yourself “this will not work,” remember that this is also a value. To motivate you, I would like to ask, how long did it take you to learn how to drive? Ask yourself, how long am I going to work to make my dreams come true? The given answer is, of course, as long as it takes.
You are unique!
You are, in every moment, as perfect as you can be based on the knowledge and experience you have. You can only become better. You are unique! No one else can be better at being you than you!
** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html
Eva Dahlberg is President of Your Coach Company and a professional personal coach. “When you want to trust yourself” is the motto of her coaching business. She has coached many persons and has helped them to create and achieve successful change in their lives.
It does not matter what you want to change—we are all human. You can successfully change everything from your private life to your business management by following the WWHWW™ model created by Eva Dahlberg. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org for a free trial session, or visit her Web site at http://www.yourcoachcompany.com.