You have a busy, full life and very limited time for yourself. You're really clear that you want to keep a positive perspective and surround yourself with positive people. AND you really want some new friends. Maybe you moved to a new city, neighborhood, job... or old relationships have fallen away.
So, you put yourself out there and "date" a new friend. Because it is like dating, right?
But then comes that sinking feeling - maybe a couple "dates" in - that tells you this isn't a good fit. You know this because... When you see the person's name on your caller ID, you put the phone down. It takes you awhile to coordinate plans and when you do get together you make sure that it's for a limited time and over lunch. When you're getting a bunch of friends together, you go to lengths to make sure that person doesn't know about it, but then you feel terribly ashamed.
What do you do? How do you handle "breaking up with" a new friend? Is it even the right thing to do? Can't we all just get along?
Some people are really good at holding their boundaries. They can be direct, honest and truthful about relationships not being a good fit. They don't flounder and squirm like a preschooler or get prickly and sound... well, mean. I'm not one of those people. But I'm trying. How about you?
I think the belief underneath the muddiness is that "You Should Like Everyone and Everyone Should Like You". In my life I know that this belief was born somewhere in elementary school where it was scary to be isolated and without friends. It was much safer to have everyone on my side. But it's 25 years later and I have different knowledge and skills now. I've gotten much better at not expecting everyone to like me. I can see this in my risk taking around writing and in my work as a coach. But I still don't have good practice at - or role models for - being direct and honest when I don't see a good friend fit.
How about you? Do you have good role models? Are there any on TV or in the movies? Or do you fall into the passive pattern that is so disliked in the "real" dating scene - avoidance, creating uncomfortable weirdness, making excuses and not returning phone calls?
What would it be like if we knew that it's simply human nature to have preferences and, given this belief, people's preferences aren't always going to match up? In fact, it's a pretty special thing when people with the same preferences DO match up. What if the focus was on finding those friendship gems? And knowing all this, wouldn't it actually seem selfish and self-important to string not-such-a-good-fit friends along allowing them to think that THEY are the gems? What would this new perspective allow you to be, do or have in YOUR life that you don't have now?
What are some clear, kind ways that you could tell someone that the friendship didn't feel like a good match?
Author's Bio
Based in Southern California, Laura Lallone is a coach and freelance writer supporting people "hands on" in doing good work and feeling good. She's a "Jane of all trades" and readily steps up to help clients with writing projects, website design and whatever it takes to help them move forward. Read more articles on Laura's website www.shickaboom.com.
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