As an author and psychotherapist with an international private practice, I've often come across women who are involved with Ambivalent Men. An Ambivalent Man struggles with a profound sense of confusion that causes him to repeatedly sabotage romantic relationships (or potential romantic relationships) that could have otherwise been healthy and lasting. The Ambivalent Man always sends double messages. Red light, green light; stop, go; he wants you, he wants to break up; he's into you, he's not into you; he loves me, he loves me not. He can't make up his mind. He's confused, inconsistent, and unpredictable. On the other hand, the Ambivalent Man also had wonderful qualities, which is why he is often irresistible and so easy to fall in love with. He can be seductive, fun, lovable, helpful, supportive, generous, charismatic, and smart. He also has the capacity to attach and love. Unfortunately it's his attachment and love for you that triggers his powerful ambivalence, causing him to push you away or provoke you into rejecting him.
Are you at the crossroads of your relationship with an Ambivalent Man? Are you having a difficult time deciding when it's time to give your Ambivalent Man the boot? Letting go can be an excruciating process because you're giving up the hope that what you longed for with your Ambivalent Man can ever materialize. You're saying goodbye to even the possibility. Sometimes it hurts just knowing that you spent a lot of time and energy on a man without a return on your investment. It's almost synonymous to a gambler deciding whether to walk away from the blackjack table after losing thousands of dollars or continue to gamble to win back her losses while she's risking her house and life savings.?There's no getting around it. Detaching from someone you care about is hard work. As humans, we are wired to bond and attach. That's why knowing when to detach from your Ambivalent Man is such a hard call to make. Goodbyes are painful. However, if you're tired of the games and you're ready to have your needs met instead of ignored, then you may be ready to leave your Ambivalent Man and put your energies into something more positive. But how can you know for sure? So when is the Right Time? Here are four tips which will help you figure out what's the right time.
Tip 1: Be Authentic
During this decision-making process, you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Try to look at the situation realistically. Do not get defensive. Start by seeing if you're using the following defense mechanisms when coping with your current situation with your Ambivalent Man:
Denial. Are you denying the truth to yourself about you Ambivalent Man or your relationship with him?.
Rationalization. Do you rationalize and make excuses about your Ambivalent Man's behavior to make yourself feel better rather than face cold hard reality?]
Magical thinking. Do you think your relationship with your Ambivalent Man is going to miraculously change almost as if by magic?
Tip 2: Ask Your Support Network
Ask people in your support network their opinions of whether you should leave your Ambivalent Man or stay. Be sure to have a variety of people to turn to in your support network so you're not too draining on one person. Here are a few ways for you to get honest answers:
Don't be defensive.
Tell them to be really honest with you.
Listen carefully to what they have to say.
Don't just use them as a sounding board. Ask them what's going on in their lives too.
Tip 3: Make Sure There's an Even Energy Exchange
If you're doing most of the work, you're in a one-sided relationship. If you're putting in most of the energy for more than a year with no positive results, then it's probably high time you threw in the towel. If the effort between the two of you is split more than 60/40, that's a bad sign because eventually the split will probably spill over to 65/35, 75/25, or worse.
Tip 4: Ask Yourself How Much Pain You're Willing to Tolerate
Be completely honest with yourself regarding how much pain he causes you. If the relationship is more than 25 percent heartache, you need to seriously consider leaving him. Although some people can put up with more than others, you need to examine why you tolerate so much pain. Maybe you need to do more healing work on yourself.
Rhonda Findling is a M.A, C.R.C, is the author of "Don't Call That Man!A Survival Guide to Letting Go", "The Commitment Cure: What To Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man", and "The Dating Cure". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist with an international practice based out of New York City. You can find out about her phone consults at www.rhondafindling.com