Hi Doc Love,
I wrote to you before and your advice helped a lot. I have another question for you.
I've been in a relationship for eight months. Three weeks ago, my girlfriend moved to the West Coast, while I'm still stuck here on the East Coast. Just to keep her interested in me, and to keep our relationship strong, I call her, surprise her with e-mails, and even call a florist in her area to send her flowers. I also FedEx her letters, poetry, and other stuff. In spite of this, I'm worried that she might get tired of my gifts and me, and drift to another man. Do you have any recommendations on how to keep a long-distance relationship strong?
Glenn - who wants to keep the flame burning
You're right - she will get tired of all of your gifts and e-mails. They're not surprises - they're predictable. But you have a bigger problem. Ask yourself: if you two really had a strong relationship to, how could she move away from you?
When the woman moves away from your city, it means she has 39% Interest Level and you are out. If your girlfriend's move were only temporary, Glenn - let's say, for only three months - that would be acceptable because her intent is to come back. But the longer she stays away after that, the more her Interest Level will diminish.
Glenn, let me show me why this is true. Four years ago, I left Los Angeles and moved 111 miles to the San Diego area. For the first six months, I drove to L.A. every weekend to see my buddies. After a while, I began skipping a weekend here and weekend there, until?you get the drift. The same thing will happen to your relationship, Glenn.
Though I can maintain my friendship with my buddies in L.A., you won't be so lucky with Miss Right. Why? Because girlfriends require consistent affection and face-to-face contact, which is impossible when you are 3000 miles away. This leads me to the question: Did your girlfriend, deep down, want the relationship to die of neglect? My cousin, Fast Eddie Love would answer: "There are no accidents."
And consider this fact: with you out of sight, more guys are going to hit on your girlfriend - especially if she is a looker. After a while, a girl with low Interest Level will get tired of constantly turning down rides in another guy's Silver PT Cruiser or dinners on his yacht or champagne in his Lear Jet. Plus - you know she will eventually go out clubbing with her new girlfriends and all the guys there will asking her to dance?So, Glenn - what do you think the chances are that she will drift to another man?
Now, if your girlfriend made this move because Bill Gates had asked her to be Vice-president of Operations or because she had received a full scholarship to Stanford, then she should have proposed marriage to you and begged you to come with her. In these cases, you would encourage her to pursue those opportunities because they would mean a prosperous married life for the both of you. But let's get real - chances are, the reason why she left is a lot less glamorous.
The odds of saving this type of relationship are a hundred to one against you. But if it were possible for you to influence her to move back, you would have to do the opposite of what you have been doing. In other words: no gifts, flowers, or written communiqu?. If she calls you, wait a day before you call her back and keep the calls short. Also, if she e-mails you, wait two days to answer her.
When your girlfriend asks, only talk about all the good things going on in your life. This way you will nonverbally convey the message: "I can live without you." You must play Challenge to the hilt - that's why it's not the time to be mushy and to display neediness or insecurity through words and trinkets.
While your girlfriend's busy getting her priorities straight, you can be looking for her replacement by asking for new home phone numbers. If, by some twist of fate, your girl moves back (cough!), you can always throw those backup phone numbers away.
Remember guys, nothing takes the place of an old flame like a new flame.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. Listen to me live every Sunday at 9 A.M. PST at http://www.vocaloca.com.
?Copyright DocLove DotCom
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"