By Carl “J.C.” Pantejo – Copyright 2007
(COPY) 250 word Summary
Being “in love” is wonderful. You smile more. You laugh spontaneously. Your step is livelier. Common, everyday things - activities you’ve done for years - seem wonderfully different. And all things are “right” in your world.
In other words, happiness is at an all-time high.
Then something happens…
…If you are heartbroken, if you are hurting, angry, depressed, or feel like everything doesn’t matter anymore, utterly hopeless, I truly empathize. Believe me, I’ve been there.
Heartbreak - the dark, soul-wrenching, and debilitating type – is not something I would wish upon anyone! It can paralyze and taint our minds with all things negative.
But there is hope. Really. And I urge you to read on.
Let me share some powerful thoughts with you; thoughts that helped me recover and heal my broken heart; thoughts that rebuilt my inner world; thoughts that nourished my self-esteem, reinstated my faith in the people around me and the world, and most importantly, allowed me to be able to love again.
- Heartbreak -
Maybe you spent weeks or even months secretly admiring someone from afar and finally summoned up the courage to ask her/him out – only to be flat out rejected
Maybe your lover does something ugly, abusive, or insensitive.
What if, with or without warning, your partner abandons you?
Maybe all was going well; then suddenly, a freak accident, war, or natural disaster takes the life of your partner – leaving you shocked, bewildered, and heartbroken.
What if your partner is stricken with an incurable illness?
Supposedly, the death of a loved one via a slow, chronic disease process gives you time to prepare for the inevitable heartbreak. There’s time to talk – whether she/he is coherent or not. When death finally comes, you’re supposed to tell yourself that the suffering has ended and she/he has gone to a better place.
But in my personal experience, the heartbreak is no less severe.
Anyway you put it, heartbreak sucks!
Why does it feel so bad? Because we suffer from severe withdrawal symptoms. The good, positive, and happy things in our lives; things that we thought we deserved, things that we counted on to be there (and enjoy) forever are taken away.
Emotionally and physically, we had grown accustomed to, looked forward to, and expected the wonderful, positive feelings and intimacies we used to share with our partner.
And now they’re gone.
Sometimes this happens abruptly; sometimes it’s a slow, painful process of your partner slipping away a little more each day. You try to stop it, but you know that you can’t make anyone do anything if they really don’t want to do it.
You feel helpless. You acquiesce. You demand. You cry. You scream. Sometimes, you destroy things, yourself, or other people.
Sadly, in spite of your uneducated efforts, the breakup occurs, and the heartbreak monster quickly begins to sit on your chest; sending nasty and ugly thoughts into your mind via its long, hideous tentacles.
In the case of a lost lover, your mind plays tricks on you. You start catching glimpses of your Ex in public everywhere! A familiar song triggers another flood of tears. You feel like nothing will ever fill the void left by the person you’ve spent so much of your life and emotions on.
You try to distract yourself with activities and friends, but it’s futile. The more you try to forget, the more you remember. You feel like “half a person” and you wonder if you’ll ever be “whole” again.
You are at the mercy of the ebb and flow of your self-pity and/or rage. Your self-esteem and self-control take wild, see-saw swings, moving from one extreme to the other because of some sensory trigger (i.e., something you see, hear, taste, smell, or touch reminds you of your loss); or sometimes, for no apparent reason, a grief session strikes totally at random.
After each wave of tearful convulsions, instead of feeling free, you feel more exhausted and forlorn.
Sometimes you’re strong. Sometimes you’re weak. Sometimes it’s easy (especially during the day when you’re busy at work) to resist contacting your Ex. But when things are quiet and you’re alone, the temptation is so strong!
Resist it. In your hurt state, it will only prolong the healing process.
Other people will keep saying that “time will heal your wounds” and that you’ll find someone else. But while in the depths of heartbreak, none of that advice is comforting. You appreciate your friends’ kind sympathies, but let’s face it, when you’re actively experiencing heartbreak, their advice – no matter how sound it is, seems like a drop of ineffective medicine in the ocean of your sadness.
The experience of heartbreak is truly the antithesis of being “in love.”
The feelings of immense loss, sadness, depression, and anger can be overwhelming.
It took me years of mistakes and a long track record of heartbreaks to finally realize that I was pretty stupid on this subject. I admitted to myself that all my personal methods of coping were inevitably ineffective and usually destructive (to me or to someone else).
I needed knowledge and insight. And I needed it badly!
I did several internet searches on “healing, treatment, heartbreak, heartbroken, etc.” and spent days reading countless articles and references about broken hearts and recommended remedies.
Some articles were obviously from spurned lovers who were still angry and venting. Many articles were spiritual. Other articles gave stringent, cookbook instructions that sounded more academic - almost sterile, than practical.
For me, heartbreak – and how to recover from it – has been a long time coming. I tried all the recommended practices:
I re-experienced the bad feelings and let myself cry – something not easy for a man. I had to find secluded places or people I was comfortable with and could trust. Then I cried like a baby.
I tried to distract myself with other activities.
I made a list of all the bad things my Ex-lover did and tried to remember them whenever I was lonely and wrestling with the idea of contacting her again.
I wrote an unsent grief letter to my Ex, reading it many times a week to nurture any fledgling feelings of strength and recovery.
I made a list of our good times, trying to appreciate the joy and lessons learned from the relationship.
Unfortunately, these and other conventional practices didn’t work for me. I still felt crappy, empty.
I desperately waited for “The Sign” - the feeling that I’ll finally be alright; the belief in my innate worthiness; the feeling of certainty, direction, and confidence; and most importantly, the feeling that love will enter my life again.
But, after all my attempts at fixing my broken heart in the normal ways failed, I still felt bad, like it was so hopeless.
Here I was: miserably heartbroken, missing all the feelings of being in love, and impervious to the treatments, normal practices, and recommendations for healing in such situations.
It’s taken many heartbreaks (and even more mistakes at trying to cope) to finally realize that I needed to learn better ways to recover, to get over it permanently.
Finally, after reading, reading, and more reading, the veil of mystery over heartbreak and its cure was slowly being lifted.
- The Only Thing That Worked For Me. And It Can Work For You! -
Let me share with you the only way I’ve found to cure my own broken heart.
Please read it slowly and carefully. Read it a few times. Commit it to memory. Remember it, especially when you feel a wave of negative emotion ready to engulf you again. Use it to prevent any potential relapses of self-pity or rage.
In order to take back control of your emotions (and life), you need to learn what the cause of being “in love” is. Only then can you understand what being “in love” really is. These are the first steps in effectively making your way back to happy living.
- The Cause of Being “In Love” -
Realize this: “You Can’t Be “In Love” Unless YOU Love!”
In other words: IT IS YOU THAT CAUSES YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF BEING IN LOVE - NO ONE ELSE. PERIOD. NOTHING OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF CAUSES YOUR OWN FEELINGS. YOU CAN’T BE “IN LOVE” UNLESS YOU ARE LOVING.
Think of it. It is the person doing the loving that experiences the feelings of being “in love.” If you don’t think of a person in a loving way, you don’t get the feelings of being “in love.”
- Just Another Person In The Elevator -
Imagine this. You are in a public elevator with a stranger. Automatically, you immediately make an assessment and quickly register your impressions of this stranger in your mind.
You decide that 1) she/he is not a threat, 2) is not particularly attractive or unattractive, and 3) that you can quit the evaluation and move on with your day. In short, the other person is neutral; just another person in the elevator.
Are you “in love” with this person, the neutral stranger? Of course not! Why? BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE NOT TO THINK OF THAT PERSON IN A LOVING WAY.
Do you get my point? Believe it or not, you have total control of your love and feelings of being “in love.”
This fact escaped me for decades. It’s still a mystery to most people.
The majority of people in the world believe that love emanates from outside themselves. They give away their powerful, personal gift of choice; letting other people control them.
I know what you’re saying. If healing a broken heart was as simple as choosing to feel loving or not loving, why doesn’t everyone do it?
Many reasons. First, the victim mentality runs rampant in our world. It is in every place, community, and society. It is easy. It relinquishes responsibility and falsely places the blame on someone else. It is common; and therefore, easy to find others to commiserate with. It doesn’t take any courage to be a victim.
Secondly, we are conditioned from an early age by many stories of love and romance written in the past that we can’t choose who we fall in love with. It’s as though we are all just fish that get “hooked” on someone. We fall into the “love trap” and can’t (or won’t) try to climb out. In short, almost everyone thinks love and being “in love” is fatalistic, not within the control of the individual participants.
Lastly, since loving and being “in love” is such a special, highly personal experience, many people think they’re alone – both during the happiness of love (AND during the sadness of heartbreak).
The feeling is so unique, that they feel like the experience of this kind of special love will never happen again.
What happens next? They cling desperately to the relationship, even if it’s obviously destructive in other people’s eyes. They feel inadequate and suspicious. They continually search for clues of infidelity. If none are found, they often manufacture them.
Instead of concentrating on building a loving relationship, they unconsciously sabotage themselves.
This is a recipe for failure, heartbreak, and unhappiness. It’s an attempt to break the following unbreakable Universal Law:
WHAT YOU RESIST, PERSISTS. AND YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU FEAR.
In other words, the fear of breakup will always lead to the breakup.
How do you prevent this? FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT, NOT WHAT YOU LOST OR DON’T WANT. For example, a fat person cannot get in shape if she/he keeps thinking about how fat she/he is. A poor man cannot get rich if he keeps thinking about how broke he is. And a lover who wants to have a great relationship cannot achieve it if she/he keeps thinking about how it will come to an end.
If you want a happy, loving life again, instead of thinking about how heartbroken you are, THINK ABOUT HOW HAPPY YOUR FUTURE IS.
Let go of the past hurt. The past is past.
In the case of a broken heart, you can never fully recover until you quit being a victim, realize that love and the feelings of love is UNDER YOUR CONTROL, and be certain that YOU ARE AT CAUSE. It’s you, not anybody else that feeds the heartbreak monster.
Think again. Think hard!
When two people are together and one person is in love, who is doing the loving? Who is not doing the loving? Who will be (or not be) heartbroken if the relationship ends?
- You Cannot Be “In Love” Unless You are Loving -
Read this again: YOU CANNOT BE “IN LOVE” UNLESS YOU ARE LOVING.
This Life Truth, this Universal Law, operates whether you are conscious of it or not.
From the beginning of time, whether accidentally or by design, people have enjoyed the results or suffered the consequences, of following or going against this law. The Law is eternal and the cause and effects will never change.
I’m not saying to never to love again. I’m not espousing the hermit lifestyle. To be reclusive is to shut out all the natural wonders of the world and to block life’s greatest gift – LOVE – from your life.
But what I am saying is this: LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. That’s right. Love yourself. Be your own best friend. Accept your weaknesses to fully celebrate your special gifts and unique talents. It is all you. Love all of it. Look in the mirror each morning and say that you are becoming your own hero.
Loving yourself attracts others who will love you. You become a magnet for positive, beautiful people. Those people can and will love you in a way you’ve never been loved before. Those people will feel safe, comfortable, and excited to be around you.
This is because you have finally learned “The Illusive Secret of Happiness.”
- What is “The Illusive Secret of Happiness”? -
The “Illusive Secret of Happiness” is this:
YOU DON’T NEED ANYTHING EXTERNAL, ANYTHING OR ANYONE OUTSIDE YOURSELF, TO BE HAPPY AND LOVING.
Once you realize this profound insight, you don’t pressure other people (or external events) to “make” you happy. You are free to love abundantly. The more love you share unconditionally, the more love you attract.
You then have the ability to FORGIVE TOTALLY. You forgive yourself and you forgive all who have wronged you in the past. You do this for yourself, not for the wrongdoers. With each act of forgiveness, you feel lighter, happier, and stronger to love even more!
It’s a great, never-ending cycle that can’t be adequately described in words. You’ve got to feel it to believe it.
My personal description? It’s a delicious feeling. It’s the feeling I get when I see the first sun’s rays on my beautiful girlfriend’s lovely face. Then I thank my lucky stars (that is, I AM UTTERLY GRATEFUL) that I am me and I have the opportunity to love her.
This is the last, but not least ingredient for healing a broken heart and being happy – GRATEFULNESS.
BE THANKFUL. BE TRULY GRATEFUL. THANK THE (UNIVERSE, GOD, HE INFINITE INTELLIGENCE, ETC.) FOR ALL THE LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE.
This automatically attracts more of the same!
This I choose to do.
The fact that I know that it’s my choice to love that causes my feelings of being “in love” doesn’t lessen the joy of the experience. I observe AND fully enjoy the joy, the wonder of each loving moment.
So if you’re suffering from heartbreak, find comfort in the words of this article.
(I recommend that you copy the following affirmations into another document, print it out, and post it in plain sight. Or privately, keep them handy in your purse or wallet. Read them AND FEEL THEM several times a day. It will instantly make you happier and stronger).
1. I AM AT CAUSE. I CAUSE MY OWN FEELINGS OF BEING IN LOVE - NO ONE ELSE DOES THIS FOR ME, BUT ME. PERIOD.
2. I HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL AND CHANGE ANY FEELINGS I HAVE. I CHOOSE MY THOUGHTS WELL.
3. I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO BE LOVING TO FEEL “IN LOVE.” (CONVERSELY, I CAN’T BE “IN LOVE” UNLESS I AM LOVING).
4. ANYTHING I RESIST, PERSISTS. AND I ATTRACT WHAT I FEAR. I NOW FOCUS ON WHAT I WANT, NOT WHAT I THINK I LOST OR DON’T WANT.
5. I NOW LET GO OF THE PAST. THE PAST IS PAST. I MOVE ON. I’M OVER IT.
6. I FORGIVE, FORGIVE, AND FORGIVE!
7. I SMILE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I KNOW “THE ILLUSIVE SECRET OF HAPPINESS.” IT’S ALL UP TO ME. I DON’T NEED ANYTHING EXTERNAL, ANYTHING OR ANYONE OUTSIDE MYSELF, TO BE HAPPY AND LOVING.
8. I AM THANKFUL, TRULY GRATEFUL. I THANK THE (UNIVERSE, GOD, HE INFINITE INTELLIGENCE, ETC.) FOR ALL THE LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE. I KNOW IT ATTRACTS MORE OF THE SAME INTO MY LIFE.
Wishing you more Living, Loving, Laughing, Learning, and Legacy building – It’s what you were meant to do…
love, heartbreak, secret, happiness, heartbroken, heal, treatment, cure, cause, in love, learn, unique, special, yourself, individual, hero.
About the Author:
He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water. He went to Thailand 1 year ago for a week’s vacation, fell into a teaching job, and has never left!