At least 3 times in the past 2 weeks, people have come to me seeking help with bullies in the workplace. I figure when the same message comes in 3's and so closely together it's time to listen. I'm going to do some thinking and more writing about this and probably develop a workshop on this.
My initial impressions are that there are two sides to the "bullying" phenomenon. There's the motivation that leads to bullying and there's the vulnerability to being bullied. When I was trying to related to my client’s issues, I realized that I don't get bullied and never have and it's certainly not that no one has tried! So I thought about why that might be so.
I suspect that bullies are made, not born. I see bullying as learned behavior, which is triggered whenever the bully feels powerless. In other words, when the bully feels fearful or afraid, they display the only form of powerful behavior they know, which is either verbal or physical intimidation or a combination of the two. This form of behavior is highly reinforced because it is effective: it works a high percentage of the time. They don't know how to negotiate to have their legitimate needs met or how to directly and effectively express feelings of fear and anger. Since other people tend to avoid or shy away from a bully and not confront them about their behavior, they get away with it.
As far as why people get bullied, the main conclusions that I came to is from my observations on the playground watching other kids get bullied. The conclusion I came to is that if a bully is able to get any kind of emotional response from you by their behavior, either fear or anger, they know they have you hooked. They now see you as the "weak gazelle in the herd" and have singled you out. Bullies prey on the vulnerable, not the strong.
So I think one of the best responses is no response....to just walk away with the attitude of "whatever." I also think that assertiveness is a strong defense against bullying. If you simply call the other person out, saying, "I think you're trying to bully me and I won't tolerate that," that may be the end to it. Sometimes just calling something what it is takes all the power out of it. Assertiveness builds confidence. It's the gentle art of verbal self-defense. It's also the language of empowered people.
Books on Bullies in the Workplace:
The Bully at Work: What You Can Do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim
Your Dignity on the Job by Gary Namie
When You Work for a Bully: Assessing Your Options and Taking Action by Susan Furtterman
Author's Bio
Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and public speaker in Carbondale, IL.
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