Happy Familiesby David Rainham M.D., C.C.F.P.

¡°Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...in another city!¡± George Burns

Many people rate work as their main source of stress, but for some, the routine of work is actually relief from the stress and chaos of their home life. This is especially tragic because the home ought to be the place where we have the most pleasure and support.

Happy, low stress families seem to have some common characteristics:

Love and affection: Frequent hugs, kisses and expressions of unconditional love. Family members see the good in each other and are generally supportive.

Rules: Rules are essential, but should be few in number and not too restrictive or complicated. Children must understand family rules, and when disciplined, must see the connection between their action and the consequences. As children get older, they are give some say in the rules and direction of the household. ( This is vital to better co-operation.)

In Kids Are Worth it!, author Barbara Coloroso identifies three main types of parents:

Rigid parents have many tight, inflexible rules and demand instant obedience. This style leads to resentment, resistance, and typically, a revolt in the teen years. Floppy parents provide no structure or clear rules, and offer inconsistent rewards and punishments. Backbone parents work together, set firm limits and have reasonably consistent consequences and lead by example. They adapt their approach to each child and treat children and each other with respect.

Money: This is a major source of stress for many families. Parents need to budget and save, teach their children how to earn and manage money and involve them in family finances.

Emotions: Acceptance of the emotions of family members, an atmosphere of mutual supports, a desire to see each other succeed and strong ability to listen to each others needs.

Spirituality: Children exposed to at least one major religion, who have an awareness of something greater than themselves seem to cope better under pressure - as long as guilt or fear is not perceived as being a big part of the religious culture.

Traditions: These unite a family with fun and great memories. Routines such as regular playtime, family meals, shared chores and bedtime rituals reduce stress. Special traditions include trips, a family scrapbook and celebrations.

Communication and Problem Solving: This may involve effective listening, assertiveness and humour as well as skills for resolving conflicts and grievances. A family council improves communication and co-operation, reducing stress by allowing problems to be identified and solutions worked out as a team.

Here are some suggestions for family councils. Meet regularly. Each family member takes a turn running the meeting and setting the agenda. Everyone can express opinions and feelings without being criticized or interrupted. Limit the length of each contribution. No swearing or shouting is allowed. In families, major decisions are generally made by parents, but lesser ones can be made by the group.

Meetings can also be used to discuss issues, celebrate events and accomplishments and set family goals.

It takes time and effort to develop a family system and structure - but it¡¯s really worth it. Family life can be a haven from stress where members feel they have some control, a stake in making it work and a part of a strong closely knit team.

Let¡¯s not forget that many of these same family principles can be applied at work and go a long way to building a more effective and caring environment.

¡°To be happy at home is the ultimate aim of all ambition; the end to which every enterprise and labour tends.¡± Samuel Johnson

Dr. Rainham is a Family Physician, author, speaker and creator of The Stress of Working Resource Guide. For more information, visit www.optimumhealth.ca or call 1-800-771-5667


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