Why is it that so many relationships end in divorce? The statistics will vary across the globe from as little as 5% in Macedonia to as high as 68% in Belarus. Regardless of the figure the emotional impact, stress, family split and the monetary heart aches it creates is never pleasant. Yet as a society the majority will go on blaming their partners for short comings and rarely will take responsibility for their own actions.
A big statement you might say though it took two people to concur in marrying in the first place, though most will tell you it only took one to pull it apart. Being a living testament in having both parents and in-laws divorced, the common thread lay in their breakdown is communication. They are not unique yet how many will part ways and forgive the other for their suffering, and then sit back and admit to how they may have contributed to the breakdown. We all have a part to play, what was yours?
It is not one of lifes greatest mysteries, wars are fought, won or lost, businesses will fail and relationships will breakdown, not just in the past , it will happen today and beyond. However so much angst and grief could easily be avoided if the communication channels were opened up. Granted some people realize after a while that their intentions were good early in the piece though they have out grown their spouse. When couples first meet there is something clearly that appealed to them from the outset, be it lust or loneliness, though more often there is a common bond. This bond over time breakdowns then complacency steps in.
More often than not the cause of most divorce is a result of individuals not communicating effectively. When we literally share our feelings with our husband or wife and truthfully I repeat truthfully tell them how we feel and why, understanding will start to develop. Sure the truth is not always pleasant, and as the saying goes the truth hurts rings louder than any other moment. If you are the recipient of this truth stop and listen, an argumentive person will retaliate, though STOP and allow the possibility you are wrong. Also allow your spouse to have an opinion; you may not like it though they are entitled to it.
In advanced negotiation skills one is taught to listen and not talk, and how many times have you heard someone say I simply let them get it out of their system then they felt better, this is no different. There are other statements about laziness or lack of co-operation in the relationship; again it comes back to communication. We can all be guilty of complacency at some time or another though if it is repeated then it has become a trait or a pattern. Did we let that happen over time, it can be resolved by opening up yet again?
Now if all this sounds too good to be true then early intervention may come in the form of a marriage counsellor, whom remains impartial and can stimulate and encourage open communication before it is too late. A common scenario for example among males is the tendency to shut down the communication lines to avoid confrontation. Yet how many people truly open up and share their deepest feelings.
An example might be as simple as the spouse arriving home late having not called to advise their partner, only to find utter abuse upon arrival home. Why we do this, put simply it is fear, as humans we naturally assume the worse and think they could have had an accident. The truth lay in if they died or were seriously hurt how would I handle the loss of companionship, financial support etc you finish the story. Yet if we were to open up and say I feared you may have been hurt, I was scared and did not know where you were, I do not want to lose you. Now do you agree that sounds better than a verbal tirade?
Another thing to be mindful of without stating the obvious, is that males and females think diffently. A woman may say to a man that trash bin looks full. To the male he will look at it and agree, yes it is. What the woman is saying is that the bin is full so it needs emptying. This can be related to what people call speaking in riddles. Though the reality is more often than not this is how women communicate.
So in summary, stop and listen, allow the possibility you may be wrong, say how you feel truthfully, admit you are scared, and for goodness sake create an understanding for one another that allows the communication channels to remain open. If all else fails seek counsel in a professional that has the techniques to assist you, to bring back the attraction and love you shared when you first met.
Jason McDonald has a beautiful loving relationship with his wife of 15 years. She is a qualified professional counsellor who loves to see couples recharge their love and commitment to one another. You can visit their site at positivelifecounselling.com.au.