Today I'm going to talk about one of our favorite topics of all timeâKissing Girls.
The way I think about it, there are certain milestones in a relationship. You can pretty much divide a relationship with a woman into two distinct periods: the Era Before the First Kiss, and the Era After the First Kiss (there's also the dividing line of First Time You Sleep Together, but that's the topic for a future newsletter).
I'm sure you'll all agree that kissing is a pretty important part of establishing intimacy with a woman, and moving it forward. The real questions are: "How do I get to the point of kissing a woman? When should I kiss her and how?"
The correct answer to the question of "When should I kiss her?" is always: "As soon as possible." But *when* is it possible?
This means that basically, you have to treat each woman on a case-by-case basis. Some women will be ready to kiss you very early on, when you first meet. With a woman like this, if you take too *long* to kiss her, you could actually lose her interest.
Some women will be really interested in you, but if you try to kiss this type of woman too early, she will pull backâand the whole process can get shut down.
It's like having a job interview that's going really well (I also talk about how to avoid that trap in the ebookâa date should *never* be like a job interview). The employer's really interested in you, but then all of a sudden you decide to ask, "So, how much are you going to pay me?" The employer pulls back, stops smiling, asks one or two standard questions, and the interview endsâand you never hear back from them.
Definitely, the question is an appropriate one, but you asked it out of sequence: unless they've actually offered you a job, it's inappropriate to ask about the salary, regardless of how good it had been going up to that point. Asking without an offer on the table shuts the whole process down.
And that's unfortunate, because you two could have been perfect for each other. Every girl is different; you never know if she has landmines in her psyche that you're unwittingly going to step on.
Maybe she met some guy whom she *thought* was wonderful, but then turned into a total jerk when it came to make-out time, and now you're unconsciously reminding her of that. Maybe she's had a bad experience with guys who are just interested in her physically, so she's extra-cautious at the outset.
Your job is to find out all that stuff during the date, so when the smooching hour arrives, you're not caught by surprise. You don't want to find out that she thinks any kind of physical interaction with a man is a mortal sin after the fifteenth date, tiger.
So here's the procedure: do all the good stuff you know to do from "The Tao of Dating." Be compelling. Keep up an atmosphere of teasing banter; don't lapse into seriousness for any length of time. Keep the lightness such that you can say "Hey, wanna make out?" to her several times, and follow it up with, "Hey, just asking if you want toâdidn't say you *could*." Watch her like a hawk, look for the nine green lights, and test her neutral touch zones. If you follow all the procedures and she's ready for the kiss, go for it.
Here's the key: If you end up getting your smooch on during the date, fantastic. That's what I recommend that you do anyway, because it opens up the interaction, lets both parties relax a lot more, and talk about more interesting stuff (and also progress to more intimacy).
But if during the date the kissing thing hasn't happened, *don't* push it at the end. That's rightâI want you to act as if you have no interest in kissing her at all.
Basically, if you've done everything right and she hasn't made out with you yet, chances are that she takes her time to warm up. Your job is to pique her interest further, and get the engines of her mind revvingâby going in the opposite direction.
Shake her hand, say, "Thanks for a great evening," and off you go. Maybe a peck on the cheek, but no more. Be just a little more distant than her, so she wonders, "What the heck just happened? I thought he was into me, but he didn't even try to kiss me! Did I do something wrong?"
Why does this work, and why is it the right thing to do?
"We pursue that which retreats from us," said some dead white philosopher dude (I believe it was Martin Heidegger, from "Being and Time"âsomeone read it and tell me if it's any good, okay?). This is the technique better known as the Take-Away, which I discuss extensively in "The Tao of Dating" ebook as one of the three secret, borderline sneaky Romantic Accelerators.
The point is, either that first kiss is in the cards or it's not. If she's not ready, and you try to force the moment, you could blow it forever. This is what the Tao Te Ching has to say about that (I didn't write it, but it's also a damn good book, and you should get it):
"Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe."
If the kiss is in the cards, you lose nothing with your delay tactic. You are conveying desirelessness, non-attachment to results. When you do that, the world tends to reward you *with* results.
In fact, if she really does like you, then she'll be that much more revved up to give you a kiss that will be ten times more passionate and intense than the lukewarm, puckered-up one you would have gotten on the first date.
And if she wasn't into you, she wasn't going to kiss you anyway, so you lose nothingâand stop wasting your time. This is what I call a classic Tao of Dating maneuver: whatever the result, you're moving forward.
Don't be mistakenâthis is hard work. It requires a lot of discipline to slow yourself down deliberately, right when things are going so well. But you can do itâI believe in you. I'm right behind you every step of the way, and I want you to succeed.
I'm interested in your questions and comments. You can reach me at email@example.com
The power is within you,
Dr Alex Benzer is the author of 'The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man's Guide to Success With Women', 'The Tao of Persuasion' home study course and the booklets 'The Tao of Social Networking' and 'The Tao of Sexual Mastery'. His approach combines principles of Eastern wisdom and Western science to bring greater fulfillment to your life. He has a B.A. from Harvard, an M.D. from UC San Diego Medical School, and an MPhil from Cambridge University. He is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and conducts seminars on dating, persuasion and networking. Visit www.thetaoofdating.com for more information.