Did you ever wonder about why you get angry? Or do you just feel that anger simmering inside you and not know quite why it is?
I had a recent learning about three roots of anger. If you are angry it could be for one of these three reasons:
What are you afraid of happening? What is your deepest fear that keeps you awake at night, worrying?
You could use the EFT setup phrase on this: “Even though I am so afraid that…e.g. I will go completely broke… I deeply and completely love and accept myself..”
Then switch to a positive choice: “Even though I am so afraid … e.g. of being poverty stricken, I’m choosing to think constructively as to how I’m going to get myself out of this debt…”
2. Frustration (blocked goal)
How often are you so angry because your dreams have been frustrated? You are so angry and you can’t put your finger on why, but really it’s because someone or something is blocking your ultimate goal in life. It can be very frustrating when a loved one does not support your dreams.
EFT setup: “Even though…… does not support my dreams, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I want to tear my hair out in frustration and anger, because I’m carrying this dream by myself without support, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Positive choice: “Even though my dreams are being frustrated or not being accepted, I’m choosing to find a way around this.”
Another aspect here: when you are not accepted for your true self. Someone else wants you to be someone other than what you are. This is a tough one and is linked very much to no3, because this realization causes a lot of hurt and pain.
An appropriate set up phrase would be: “Even though he / she doesn’t accept me for who I am, I accept myself fully, deeply and completely and that is what matters.”
Positive choice: “Even though I’m feeling unaccepted, I’m choosing to allow my own light shine brighter than the negative vibes coming from that person, and let my love be rays of compassion towards them. For I know that the only reason why they are being so unaccepting towards me is because they have a similar problem inside themselves.”
3. Hurt and pain
If someone has hurt you deeply, then this can cause you immense anger. This hurt can be caused by a deep trauma, or be something that appears little, but has hurt you deeply. I am a very sensitive person and while that makes me more compassionate, it makes me more vulnerable too.
If you’re feeling hurt, a good setup phrase would be:
“Even though I’m feeling deeply hurt and this incident has brought up painful memories for me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. Even though I just feel like crying, I deeply accept those feelings of pain and I love and accept myself just as I am.”
Positive choice: “Even though I feel very hurt, I’m choosing to love and accept that pain, and take baby steps to move past it. I’m choosing to let it go. I can feel it deflating like a balloon and losing its power over me. I’m choosing to release it.”
Let me tell a story. My boss is a bit of a perfectionist and is a big believer on everyone being very present and helping out at all times. I am a big believer on if you need help – please ask, I’m not a mind reader! But over time I am practicing to be more in tune with what she wants and offer my help. On this occasion it was a Friday morning. I went to my class and marked books. (By the way I’m marking her husband – the Grade 2/3 class’ books – a maths program we do). At one point I just sensed her glaring at me from her class. And that familiar feeling – oh boy what have I done now…
In any case, I found out. Turns out her little kids (the 2-3 year olds) had taken a whole lot of stuff off her shelves. It took her half an hour to fix it and it made everything late. She made the point that everyone else is busy helping (a teacher is at the door selling the Valentine’s chocolates) two teachers in the office, her husband getting the hotdogs, and me – yip I’m there sitting on my bum in my classroom. Instead of knowing that her kids are causing havoc. With my psychic powers. Only jokes! And yip, she is mad at me for something that I didn’t directly do, but because I wasn’t “doing” anything, she is mad at me.
So yes, I do need to be more present and aware about what is going on, but I was very angry and depressed about this because I did feel it was a bit unfair to be blamed for that. I was angry that she didn’t accept me for who I was (a less aware person) and I was also hurt that she automatically blames me.
What helped me in this situation was to remind myself of my own value (even if it was to repeat over and over again: I am valuable) and to accept her for who she is and try and wake up a bit more. (Now every morning when I come to work I’m chasing kids out her class!)
Also Mercedes van Essen’s series (cure your money worries for good) (http://healwithheather.com/curemoneyworries.htm) helped – that week was anger, and she has a very good section on that – especially the visual description of the anger really withering up and dying. This is using EFT.
I think we only learn through making mistakes and figuring out how we can do better next time. It’s kind of pointless to dwell in the anger for too long, because it isn’t constructive, unless it motivates you to think of a way to change the situation.
Some other techniques that will help are:
1. Deep belly breath:/ 7/11
Take a very deep breath in. You must fill up your chest totally, all three sections, Breathe in for seven counts. Then hold it. Then release it for eleven counts.
2. Anger breathing: I learnt these two from dc4k (a course I’m doing on helping kids through divorce) so these are good to do with kids.
a) Fountain: Breath in all your anger and crunch yourself up with your arms on your chest all twisted up and feel all that anger. Then let it go, moving your arms up like a fountain.
b) Balloon: breathe out like a balloon letting go all its air: whee….
Thanks for listening to me! Hope that helps you when you get angry next time!
Heather is a Grade One teacher. But actually she has a passion for counselling people using EFT and writing ebooks on her website healwithheather.com. Take a peek and see for yourself!