Susie and Otto Collins are married partners, relationship coaches, speakers and authors who help people create the gifts of connecting and the relationships they've always wanted. They are authors of No More Jealousy
“I’m sending out a message to myself so that when I hear it on the radio, I will know that I am fine. I will know that I am loved.” In an interview, Melissa Etheridge explains that she wrote these lyrics as an uplifting reminder to herself. We believe that the positive messages we send out to ourselves not only make us healthier and happier individuals, they also contribute to more intimate and passionate love relationships.

When in a marriage or love relationship, it is easy to rely on your partner for a feel-good boost. Whether you are insecure about your looks, your job performance or parenting, it seems natural to turn to the one you love to make you feel better. Of course, there is nothing wrong with being a source of support for your love and receiving the same from him or her. This becomes tricky, however, when you aren’t giving yourself the love you want first and you only depend on others for that boost.

Matt loves to read and learn. Claire, his wife, also loves to read and learn. Both are well educated having earned advanced degrees. However, Claire doesn’t consider herself as “academic” as Matt and experiences bouts of feeling insecure about her intelligence. From time to time, Claire’s insecurities about her intelligence are triggered and in the midst of those unsure feelings, she tends to turn to Matt for reassurance.

For Matt, times like this are “no win.” When he does try to remind Claire that she is smart, she discounts it as an obligatory compliment. When Matt doesn’t say the “right” words, however, she feels her deepest fears are affirmed and that he agrees with them. Usually, both feel hurt and frustrated when situations like this crop up.

You may have experienced a scenario like Matt and Claire’s in your own relationship or the roles and issues might play out differently. If so, consider these suggestions to turn around a “no win” situation and restore or even enhance intimacy between you and your love.

1.) Send out a message to yourself.
Consider creating and putting into place messages for yourself-- positive reminders-- that you can turn to when you are feeling insecure, worthless or whatever uncomfortable feelings come up. These positive reminders might come from a special song that you have recorded. You might also leave yourself notes or inspirational sayings where you can easily find them.

It doesn’t matter what helps you turn your low feelings around, just that you have in place resources that help you make this turn toward more positive thoughts and beliefs. Figure out what brings you some relief and make sure those resources will be available when you need them.

So the next time Claire finds herself feeling stupid, instead of immediately turning to Matt, she might try a different course instead. First of all, Claire can recognize she is feeling insecure and allow herself to feel what she is feeling. Secondly, she might choose to listen to her Melissa Etheridge cd or read some favorite poems that are uplifting. Finally, she may choose to share what came up for her with Matt. Chances are, after she’s taken care of herself first, how she shares will be less intense and Matt may feel less pressure to “fix” her feelings.

2.) Allow your partner to have the experience.
As painful as it might be for Claire when bouts of feeling stupid arise, the whole thing doesn’t feel very good to Matt either. He struggles with frustration and impatience about Claire’s insecurities but also wants to make her feel better. Essentially, he experiences a sense of responsibility for Claire’s emotions that he knows is false and doesn’t help either of them.

When you sense that your love is facing negative thoughts or beliefs, the best support you can give might just be to give space. As difficult as it may be to hear, you cannot fix the hurt and pain your partner is feeling. Only he or she can do this. It might be helpful for you to acknowledge that your partner is in pain and say that you love him or her. You might let your partner know you are available to listen but that you both know you cannot solve this issue for him or her. After that, give space and allow your love to have the experience that is in process. Know that it will pass and you can come together to share at that point.

While giving your love space, you may choose to turn to your own uplifting resources. Sometimes the negative thoughts and beliefs of those we care about mirror our own self-defeating tendencies.

Relationships between people who love and nurture themselves first yield a sense of respect and intimacy that cannot easily happen when one person tries to “fix it” for the other. We encourage you to send yourself many positive love messages and celebrate your self-love with your partner.



Author's Bio

Susie and Otto Collins are married partners, relationship coaches, speakers and authors who help people discover the gifts of connecting and create the relationships they've always wanted. They are authors of No More Jealousy, How To Heal Your Broken Heart, 7 Intimacy Secrets, and Red Hot Love Relationships.