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Why Do You Get So Angry?
By
Author: Telka Arend-Ritter L.M.S.W. |
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“The angry people are those who are most afraid.” Dr. Robert Anthony
You are a human. Like many other species on this lanet, you have a biological protective ability to become angry. Your anger response triggers a series of chemical reactions in your body that allow you to either “fight, flight or freeze.” This anger response was designed to help you during threats of physical danger. As a predator attempts to kill and eat you, your anger response helps you move faster, fighter harder or play dead and therefore avoid becoming lunch.
Consider the last time you were angry. Was anyone trying to kill and eat you? If yes, skip this chapter. You do not need to read any further. If however, you are like millions of other humans, your last anger response was related to something much less life threatening. Something along the lines of:
*The driver in front of you drove the speed limit.
*Your cell phone bill was too high.
*Someone missed the clothes hamper.
*The toddler didn’t want to eat broccoli.
*The neighbor’s dog barked.
*Your team lost the playoffs.
*You had to wait too long.
*The dishwasher was not loaded correctly.
*No one offered to help.
*The price of gas went up.
*They did not include you.
*A check bounced.
*Someone drank too much. Again.
*They never called back.
*He lied.
*She cheated.
*Someone broke it.
*No one listened.
You were not in real danger. Why did you get soooooo ANGRY? Why was your response so intense? Perhaps there is more to anger than just physical protection. Perhaps anger protects you in more ways than just enhancing physical strength and speed.
Anger is your protective outer layer of emotion that prevents you from feeling your more painful emotions. To resolve your anger you must investigate your deepest underlying emotions. I refer to this tool as the anger onion. Peel the layers of anger to find your core issues.
Anger Onion: Layers
1. Anger focuses attention outward toward others, not inward.
2. Blaming others blocks insight into more painful emotions.
3. Unrealistic expectations, coupled with poor coping skills,keeps blame focused outward.
4. Underlying Issues Hiding Beneath Anger
Fear of death (Separation from love).
Fear of abandonment (Separation from love).
Fear of not being enough (Separation from love).
Fear of not being loved or not being lovable (Separation from love).
Fear of no control- helplessness or vulnerability (Separation from love).
Fear of having “no control” may be triggered by unrealistic expectations and poor coping skills.
Examples of Unrealistic Expectations:
Relationship Anger: Unrealistic expectations of relationships. Relationship anger may also result from inability to control others.
Work Related Anger: Unrealistic expectations of the work environment, employer or co-workers.
Road Rage: Unrealistic traffic and time expectations or narcissistic entitlement.
Narcissistic Entitlement: Unrealistic expectations regarding your abilities and rights.
Examples: Anger at having to wait, take turns, compromise or accommodate other people. Anger is also caused by failure to accept personal limitations or societal rules and restrictions.
*Poor coping skills, chronic pain, brain injury and some drug and alcohol use may increase the frequency and intensity of anger.
When you blame others, you experience an immediate physiological relief. Blame projects your anger outward, away from you. Your deeper, more fragile and painful emotions are protected. Blaming others provides a strong psychological defense against personal responsibility or choosing your response. Working through your anger requires you to stop blaming others:
*Stop blaming others for the response you choose in any given situation.
*Stop blaming others for the emotions you feel.
Consider Anger as an OPPORTUNITY. Rather than feeling upset by your anger, use your anger to gain insight and understanding.
1.What is the emotional lesson that hides beneath this urge to blame?
2.How is your anger a reflection of your physical, emotional and spiritual health?
3.Are you living in the present or stuck in the past?
4.When have you felt like this before?
5.Are you a positive role model when angry?
6.How are you managing your stress? Does your life have balance?
7.What purpose does your anger serve?
8.Are you choosing to remain angry rather to problem solve?
9.Are your expectations realistic?
10. What is the "right" response, not your emotional response?
Once a lesson is learned, the emotional pain & anger are released.
Author: Telka Arend-Ritter L.M.S.W. Excerpt from Change Your Thouths, Heal Your Life an Eleven Week Program to Transform Wounds into Wisdom and Pain Into Purpose, Chapter 4. Healing Anger ©Telka Arend-Ritter 2006
Author's Bio
About the Author
Telka Arend-Ritter, L.M.S.W., A.C.S.W. is a licensed Masters Clinical Social Worker specializing in individual, marital and group solution-focused therapy. She has worked as a therapist and as an educator in the field of behavioral health and addictions for over 20 years.
Telka is the author and facilitator of a unique 11-week solution-focused, cognitive-behavioral treatment program designed to address mood disorders, relationship problems and recovery issues.
A graduate of Michigan State University, Telka resides in Lansing, Michigan with her psychologist husband, their teenage daughter and a middle-aged cat.
If you would like to arrange for Telka to speak to your organization, conduct classes in your area or are interested in other materials, you can contact her through:
Website: www.TelkaArend-Ritter.com.
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