All you need is love?

Dear Maryanne:

One of my best friends has been unhealthily obsessed with the same guy for almost four years (we're now seniors in college). They have hooked up intermittently over this time but have never been on a date or spent any platonic time together. He has never displayed any actual interest in her or her feelings despite it being incredibly obvious that she is very attached. She refuses to show interest in any other person.

My friend responds to this guy's booty call messages every single time, running over to his place even at 3am in the pouring rain. She is obsessed to the point of letting it completely control her mood. We're at a breaking point and have no idea what to do. Please help!



-A, J, and S

Ladies,

I am so moved by your letter and how sincerely concerned you all are about your girlfriend’s wellbeing. She is fortunate to have friends like you. Let’s see if I can help empower you by shedding some light and by offering you a shift in perspective of your friend’s situation:

First, if your girlfriend has mentioned harming herself in anyway (suicidal threats, etc.) I implore you to seek professional help on campus. You can never be too careful here.

Next, If this isn’t the case and your girlfriend’s behavior is a steady diet of booty call and crying jags, I recommend you consider the following carefully: there is how you see your g-friend’s situation and then, ultimately, the way she sees it. The way I see it, getting her to see things your way is one of the biggest obstacles you have.

You're probably thinking: “Why would she pick a guy who is using and disrespecting her to fulfill her heart’s desire in the first place?” Great question; maybe her childhood situation involved similar dynamics. This dynamic (positive or negative) becomes imprinted early on. Perhaps she has already confided in one or all of you that she has in fact had some negative or similar experiences in her past that she is now recreating.

If this is the case, one of the things you can do to help is get some books or related materials in front of her that will help her illuminate this pattern to her. This, of course, is easier said than done and will ultimately require her wanting something better for herself.

If you don't know about her background, or if it doesn't point to this, you may want to do some investigating. If and when you do find she is in fact recreating a past dynamic, see above. I can give you a list of books for her to read, starting with my own; Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.

Still - even if she does get it, will it sink in? The truth is, we can’t know what the catalyst will ultimately end up being for someone to awaken from self-sabotaging patterns. Unless you have nothing but time on your hands to hold your friend’s hand, the best we can do is be sympathetic and empathetic – cultivate fierce compassion: doing everything you can to hold someone in their highest light until it begins to harm you. At that point, let go with love, and trust that the same God that shines on you shines on them too!

To get an idea of a healthy, mutual respectful relationship, check out my interview on Spiritual Partnership with Gary Zukav and Linka Francis: http://www.youtube.com/maryannelive11#p/a/u/1/Fk8i9vFpuMs