It's no surprise that women respond to bad boys. They complain about doing so, try to stop themselves from doing so, ban themselves from dating them and swear they will never do so again... but sometimes to a fault they do so anyway.
At my company, we know why - and the reason is in having Masculine Intelligence With Women.
Simply put, the area of a woman's mind that runs on pure animal instinct - call it "femininity" - has evolved for eons to respond to the equal and opposite force in men, called "masculinity." These are deep instincts, and if your brain was a computer, both masculinity and femininity would be a kind of automatic software running in the background. This is called the "unconscious." This man-only and woman-only "software" is irrational, illogical, fickle, unreliable, and incredibly powerful, and yet, it is designed to be at work only for brief periods of time. It causes men to chase femme fatales and women to stay with bad boys even though they have not proven their moral character, emotional or friendship ability.
The unconscious is decidedly different for men than it is for women. We need it to be that way. It's how men and women attract each other.
What's going on with a "Badboy" and women's irresistible desire for them? Well, they have shameless, bold, openly expressed masculine instincts, unfettered by political correctness, shyness, emotional vulnerability or puppet strings controlled by other men, other women in their lives, or even their mother's judgmental eye.
In short, they are free men - free to express their opinions, emotions and identity. Animals do this, too, nonverbally. They are free and without shame. So are (human) male comedians free in this same way. When they speak, they get a free pass to be politically incorrect and observe life as it is. In fact, comedians might be the only men left on earth with the ability to speak freely.
The Badboy is like the alpha-male gorilla. His tenure as the most desired man will be powerful but short-lived. Why would this be? Because the Badboy and the gorilla alike are dominated by animal instincts. They live by reflexes rather than conscious decisions. Their robust masculinity is the ultimate attractor of women. They live by instincts and reflexes, which, while lightning-quick, cannot endure as the sole method of relating to other humans. In the complex world of social politics, the Badboy ultimate gets lost. He crashes and burns.
The animal acts out of reflex. But when the comedian cracks an off-color joke, he does so consciously and for the purpose of relieving the shame, anxiety and discomfort of the audience. The comedian does not act out of mindless, impulsive or unconscious self-concern. The animal doesn't know any better. The comedian is only taking a temporary, planned role in society. He will eventually go home, call his friends, read the paper, tuck his children in bed and make love to his wife.
Eventually, the Badboy must grow in maturity, diplomacy, courtesy, and character. He must harness his robust masculine animal instinct the way the comedian does. In short, he needs to evolve beyond mere brute masculinity, and learn emotional skills of friendship, love, bonding and mood management. The angry badboy is short-lived both in his attractiveness to women and his social standing in a community. He needs to learn how the emotions can be channeled to other places besides anger, rudeness, selfishness, and an addiction to women as merely sexual conquests.
He needs to see women as rich friendships that still offer all the allure, desire and passion of sexual beings. Masculine Intelligence in Personal Growth - is a great start as a training program on this, but there's more to learn first...
The Life of the Party
The man who is the "Life of the Party" has been said to be everyone's friend, and nobody can doubt that he is a master of celebration, networking, and the basic skills of friendship. He is attractive to women in a different sort of way than the Badboy. He isn't brooding in the corner like Keystone Beer's "Keith Stone." Nor is he speaking his mind in such detail as the Badboy does - so prone to offend others. Instead, the Life of the Party is free as well, but in social action and presence.
Women love him first and desire him second, if they desire him at all. Meanwhile women desire the Badboy first, and love him second, if at all. And that difference may result in the very same outcome - being on the social outs sooner or later, since women want a man to BOTH desire and to love.
He doesn't tend to reveal much of his real ideas, opinions or emotions though - always beholden to the popularity contest he surrounds himself with. This is his downfall both with women and in a social community, though his tenure as top dog may last a bit longer than that of the badboy.
Women do want and need a man who "makes them crazy," who incites them to follow him to the end of the earth, to pester him and ask what he is feeling, to "have the talk" about "when this relationship is going," and in their unspoken words, hopefully to whatever that next level is called where he is transformed by her love, made more controllable, less wild like an animal, and both safer and "hers" in one embrace.
They also need the man who is friendly and social, has a sense of humor, confidence, but tenderness as well. And they need him to have emotions to express - as much to speak the gender language of women back to them, as to gush in laughter or tears as an expression of being alive.
Friendship, Love, Attraction, and the Role of Your Mood
As you can see, neither the Badboy nor the Life of the Party have it made in terms of attracting and loving women. Their success "depends."
"On what?" you say.
On their maturity of emotions. The Badboy needs to add real emotion to his approach with women - the core of which MUST be the ability to be friendly, to have friends and keep them - showing her he will never threaten her reputation or standing among her own friends and intimates that is so entwined with feminine identity. And the Life of the Party must neither become such a "nice guy" that he has abandoned all dark, animal dominance, secrecy, force, and resolve in his opinions and actions that we call masculinity - nor remain so vague, interchangeable and unintimate as an individual that she "feels like she doesn't have a sense of who he is."
Think of the definition of friendship (which is the same psychological process as love) that we detail in the Masculine Intelligence in Social Circles - miSocial - which uses the personality system we developed called KWML. That definition is that friendship and love are very different mental processes from desire or lust. They are simply the mutual ability to raise each other's self esteem - the positive emotion of happiness.
The answer is having both a solid masculinity but the ability to express friendly emotions that are heartfelt, genuine and real at the same time.
Not only that - emotions that you share, in order to be emotionally attractive - which for women in particular also tie to sexual attraction - must be POSITIVE EMOTIONS. This means that if you are a depressive or anxious person, a frustrated, fearful, or impatient, discontented person, then you are not fit for friendship while you are in those emotions. In fact, you are the opposite - a source of stress to the woman, even when you don't intend to be. In a very different way from ours, women pick up on your emotions and wrap them into their experience of not only you, but their own lives spent with you.
Just imagine what your frustration with work, or the memories of past girlfriends gone downhill, your lack of finances or your mediocre career position do to your ability to "be a friend" to women, and therefore attract them.
It's not a good picture.
Men, Our Culture, and "DepresculinityÂ®"
Maybe you've looked around at other men and noticed that not many of them seem to have both of these normal psychological tasks mastered - masculinity AND emotional maturity. Many you've noticed are able to go to work, date, and have relationships. Perhaps they aren't "depressed" or "sad" per se, but they aren't so happy that they express both a vitality - a feeling of passion in being alive - and also a personable nature - a unique, honest, expressed identity that makes them "knowable" as individuals.
One or the other always seems to be lacking, if not both, and you notice that the culture surrounding them doesn't seem very motivated to help us as men to sort through all this. There are magazines and television largely for women, because they are known to do as much as 80% of consumer purchasing, and entertainment businesses are as beholden as men are to women, to the advertisers that pay for their ongoing operations.
The condition is something I've coined as "DepresculinityÂ®" - which is a lack of vitality, or passion for being alive, or honest, emotional and masculine expression and identity. It is a growing kind of depression rooted in a lack of masculinizing roles, resources, honors, supports and venues for expression. It affects you on two levels - not just negative emotions that make you an "unfit friend" in emotional attraction, but also a less-than-passionate man of less expressed masculinity than you could exude.
In the end, every man will have to find his own way to both health of the mood, and growth of his masculine nature and expression - to get acquainted with how the masculine instincts work TOGETHER with a growing maturity of the emotions which feed intimacy, friendship and love.
Paul Dobransky, M.D. is a board-certified psychiatrist, public speaker and relationship expert who has treated more than 10,000 patients in 15+ years in clinical psychiatric care. Journalists and clients worldwide have sought Dr. Paul's advice on dating, relationships and all aspects of human psychology.
Dr. Paul pioneered MindOS, a new, patent-pending approach to understanding relationships, mood problems and stress. MindOS synthesizes all schools of therapy into a single, effective system-based approach that uses plain language to help people understand psychology and solve problems. Go to http://www.menspsychology.com/ to learn more.