Addressing issues can be challenging for many of us. Many times we either âfightâ or âflyâ depending on how we were raised and how we saw our families of origin deal with conflict. âFightingâ and âflyingâ both lead to alienation and are aggressive and passive behaviors respectively.
When we are passive in dealing with conflict we may feel powerless to change what we consider a âhostile dynamicâ so we react by withdrawing, retreating or hiding. This often results in blocks to communication. On the other side of the spectrum by acting aggressively to address conflict we react in a way thatâs scary and intimidating to others. As a result we stand to alienate those with whom we interact.
One of the most empowering ways I know to communicate around conflict is by using assertive behaviors. Using assertive strategies allows us to respond rather than react and we build mutual respect and intimacy rather than alienation.
Becoming assertive requires a very conscious shift in our mindset. We must first recognize that we have rights. This is fundamental to changing unhealthy relationship dynamics and gaining the respect we desire in our interactions with others.
1. Recognize your rights.
Assertive people know they have the right to:
â¢ Be treated with respect
â¢ Express their own opinion, feelings, thoughts
â¢ Say no
â¢ Decide for themselves what they want
â¢ Make mistakes
â¢ Be themselves
2. Assess whatâs happening. Determine how to respond assertively rather than react to the situation. Whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what youâre going to say and how youâre going to say it. Where possible, write down what youâre planning to say and practice. Itâs best to discuss the issue with the other person when youâre calm and in control of your emotions.
3. Express how you feel using âI statementsâ. Take responsibility for your own feelings. For example, âI feel upset when you shout at me.â
4. Focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred. For example, âIn future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.â
5. If you feel youâre still not being heard, you may try the technique of âescalatingâ.
Use your hand like a stop sign, stand in your power and in a firm voice say: âI would like you to stopâ¦â Pause for effect.
If youâre still not being heard say something like: âI have asked you to stop and it seems youâre not listening. If you choose to continue Iâm going to be forced to â¦.â (leave the room, stop communicating with you until you are willing to be respectful, etc). Choose an action that makes sense in the situation and follow through with what you say youâre going to do if youâre not being heard.
5. Seek Respect. Your goal is not to be liked. Itâs to be respected. Once you understand this you can begin to express your feelings and open the lines of communication with people you interact with. This creates greater intimacy and mutual respect in your relationshipsâ¦
Lorna Blake is a powerful, positive and inspiring empowerment specialist. She has over 10 years experience in helping people take charge of their lives and achieve their goals.
Using her own personal story of triumph over difficulties she has facilitated workshops and seminars and helped hundreds of clients. Her story touches the lives of people everywhere. She has recently written a 6 week e-Course on Assertiveness Training and an e-Book entitled Whose Life Is It Anyway.
She specializes in coaching clients for self-empowerment, relationships, health, stress-management, finances, transitions and work-life balance. She teaches clients to take gradual steps and have fun along the way to reaching their goals.