Boundaries: Why Do Some People Build Walls Around Themselves?

For some people, the term walls may bring up associations to do with the physical walls of a house or walls that divide one garden from another. However, the walls that this article will look into are not physical walls. They are not visible to the eye and yet this doesn’t mean that the impact they have is any different.

If on one side there are walls, on the other side there would be nothing; here one would feel wide open and completely vulnerable. Boundaries are not the opposite of walls. When one has strong boundaries there will not be the need to have walls and feeling wide open, as one would if they had no boundaries, would rarely be experienced.

Two Experiences

So although the person with no boundaries will have walls, it is also likely that there will be moments when they feel wide open. Alternating between the two will then be a part of life.

The walls give them the feeling of complete protection and without them they can feel extremely vulnerable.

Walls

What walls do is create the feeling of being protected and through having these, one will feel safe. The problem with having walls is that not only do they keep everyone out; they also keep one locked in. One ends up creating their own prison.

So whatever the positives are, they are soon outweighed by the negatives. Logically it is clear and makes sense that walls are no good. But, as it is primarily our emotions and not logic that dictates one’s life, logic does not make much of a difference here.

Consequences

And if one cuts themselves off from others through having walls, it is going to lead to all kinds of consequences. Relationships will suffer and as this happens one will also suffer. Isolation and feelings of being alone and cut off are also likely to occur. Trust in others will not exist and without that relationships are not really possible.

Because even though one is trying to protect themselves from others by having walls, all that ends up happening is the creation of more pain.

What’s Going On?

The natural human need, to connect and to be with others, is being violated here. So this can only really lead to pain and suffering. But in order for this to be the case something needs to have happened that is causing one to go against their own natural need, to connect and be with other human beings.

And in order to understand why this may be, we need to look at how the ego mind works and how past experiences can shape how one sees the world.

The Ego Mind

How the ego mind works can seem illogical at first. As this is because it doesn’t function on what makes one happy or what is functional. It works through what is familiar and what is familiar is what is associated as being safe. Once something is interpreted to be safe though being familiar; the ego mind will hold onto it and won’t want to let it go.

Now, this could be a way of seeing life and other people or a way that one behaves. And what is classed as familiar can be functional and healthy or it can be dysfunctional and unhealthy. When it is dysfunctional, like in the case of building walls, it will inevitably create problems.

A Reason

So if one has built walls around themselves, it is for a reason. And the reason is that it was for their own survival. At the time of their creation, they allowed one to stay safe and to cope with a situation or situations.

At the time it could be described as positive and even a necessary thing. The trouble is that over time, it has just lead to pain and separation from other people.

Patterns

Once this way of being has become associated as what is safe to the ego mind; life will continue to be perceived in the same way. What this means is that once one has had an experience or certain experiences that lead to these walls being created, it will become the model of how life is.

One will then end up creating the same experiences all over again and the same patterns will be played out. So what may have happened with one person or a few people during one moment or over a certain period of time, will become how life is and how everyone is.

Absolutes

And as the ego mind works in absolutes, it will edit out anyone that does not fit the associations that it has formed around people. The experiences that created this outlook have become what reality is and there is now no other way according to the mind.

People that are respectful of one’s boundaries and aware of such things are unlikely to be attracted into one’s life. Unless they are a doctor for example and people who one was to have an appointment to see.

Causes

The cause of these walls could have been through what happened to one as an adult. Or it could have been the result of one’s childhood years. And as these traumatic experiences have not been looked at, one has ended up being controlled by them.

Boundary Violation

Whether it was as an adult or as a child, it has lead to a boundary violation. Ones personal space was not respected and this means that one felt wide open and vulnerable. This would have lead to the ego mind creating associations and emotions/feelings being trapped in the body.

Awareness

And until these are dealt with in some way, it will be highly unlikely that one will allow their walls to come down. Unless one can feel safe to be who they are and to be in their body; nothing can really change.

Now, for some it may be enough to just change the ego mind associations and this is what hypnotherapy or CBT would do, but for others going into the feelings may be needed. And this would require some kind of therapy that does feeling work.

The important thing is that one listens to themselves and sees what works and what doesn’t. As to how long it will take, will depend on many factors: from how ready one is to let go and on the type of therapy that is used.