Compatibility & the 4 Human Needs

Relationships are work! They just are. The work can be challenging, time consuming, and if you’re   mindful and on point it can also be rewarding, fulfilling and enduring. I am going to go out on a limb here and just speak from my own experiences and observations – relationships the Queer community are in certain ways much more effortful than they are in the hetero world. I realize that I just pissed off my hetero readers--particularly the men in that world who are thinking ‘WTF you gay men get more sex than any ten straight guys I know!’ That also is a reality. Whenever my husband and I are out to dinner, the movies, a concert, a mixed party, we have a little game, we try and find the hetero male who’s working the hardest to possibly get a little at the end of the evening from his woman. It’s fun. Try it some time. It is a bit of homo-testosterone fueled pay back for having to grow up in the in the closet, however extended the stint may have been.

Back on topic. . . .

The reason I say LGBT relationships are more difficult, is rather obvious. It all comes down to a mixture of laws, or lack thereof, legislation, legality, numerous role models, a loss of general societal norms, total acceptance, rules, and methods that have worked centuries for straights. Now whether you are a believer in the idea of queer marriage or not, that possibility does not impact what I am trying to say here. Marriage; some want it, some don’t, and I respect that. There are books, there are therapists, there are even tremendous examples for we queers to follow--but when you bubble & boil it down, what’s left is compatibility.

Definition: Compatibility--capable of existing together in harmony.

Yes, harmony. That may sound simple and to some simplistic, but it’s damned hard work--as I stated at the beginning. Successful and loving relationships, regardless of the gender configuration come down to getting the same four basic needs being met:

Physical                       sexual, financial, nourishment, shelter

Intellectual                   learning, evolving, growing

Social                           friendship, meaningful interaction with others

Spiritual                       feeding of the soul, enlightenment, resonation, purpose, life satisfaction

Not a day goes by where one friend or another shares with me the fact that their relationship seems to be in limbo or standstill. Being a certified coach I have to be careful not to jump in too fast and present ideas. Instead I typically try to listen, question, carefully challenge, and at times & when asked, offer feedback. Honestly, I have never found a relationship issue that has not come back to incompatibilities within the 4 human needs. No partner, spouse, significant other can meet ALL of your needs, that needs to be loudly said! However for the good relationship to become the great relationship and to survive and thrive each person in the couple needs to meet several of the needs and in significant ways.

You’ll notice I identified the “physical” human need first. Reason-- because it sustains all the other needs. And because the topic of this series being sexuality I placed SEX as the first human need. It really isn’t the first--breathing, food, water, shelter all precede it, but man oh man does it matter in a healthy relationship. Sex is adult play, and play had better be FUN and full of VARIETY. Sex is a way to deepen your love, better understand your partner, demonstrate caring, giving, and building passion and respect.

I’m by no means a sexual therapist, nor a sexual coach, but I would strongly advocate that if you are not keeping your coupled sexuality fresh, new, full of surprise, fun, with open, honest, and forthright communication on a regular basis--you are bound to be asking yourselves how did we get to this point? Talk a lot before you move into a committed relationship. Have those vitally important discussions outside of the bedroom and have them with the goal of full and honest disclosure about who you are sexually. Now if you are the type of person that finds having that discussion tedious or you’d prefer to explore and find your answers to the questions in the arms of your lover, cool. But communication about sex between two people is important and without it, the fastest way to find the relationship struggling for survival.

The spectrum of queer couples and sexual infrastructures makes the hetero world pale in comparison. We have so much more to discuss and the topics are indefinite. For example they range from monogamy & commitment, possible marriage, trust & security, living together/setting up a household, parenting, vanilla only-picket-fence model to open-relationships, sexual safety, sexual exploring, casual sex, don’t ask/don’t tell, tell everything, three-ways, 100 mile rule, BDSM, groups, etc. etc. etc.  But talk, ask, inquire, find out if you and a potential partner are compatible sexually. If not--find out if there is room for growth, expansion, challenge. If not, that’s a huge red flag.

I have coined two terms that for the most part have helped me keep my relationship alive and have helped some friends and their relationships remain stable. I’ve often told friends who are struggling that I believe there is a Homo-Sexual and a Homo-Emotional part of every relationship. And if the Homo-Emotional component is secure and solid, then the Homo-Sexual part seems to thrive in tandem. The Homo-emotional aspect of a couple being strong can lead to long-lasting relationships built upon mutual trust, respect, open-communication, security, individual self-esteem, and most importantly sincerity and love. Conversely an unhealthy Homo-emotional relationship can foster jealously, resentment, hiding, insecurity, dishonesty, lying and even severe addictions.

So talk. Please talk. Not every single day, but regularly. Examine the health of your homo-sexual and homo-emotional relationship. Ask self-owned questions and make kind observations of your partner, and then switch places. Be open, honest, without being cruel or blaming. Challenge yourself to grow and experience your own sexuality with the help of a partner who wishes to either lead, follow, or walk hand-in-hand. Keep sex amazing adult fun, by using your collective creative imaginations and shedding any fear, shame, guilt, or judgment associated with your sexuality. Those have been programmed into you by others.

As the Italians say Fatte L'amore--make love or Festeggia il tuo libido or Celebrate your libido! Here’s to relational and especially sexual HARMONY!

Keeping your love life alive is one of the hardest parts about a gay relationship. Something something something and stuff and things and whatnot.

You will find more relationship advice from Charles Lynn Frost at http://www.theygayhotspot.com

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