***Courage to Leave is a Work in Progress

By Lisa Clare
The official guide to Divorce

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There are some who make important life decisions in a seemingly effortless way. They take chances professionally and personally, moving through life in a fluid manner, appearing confident and secure in their decisions. Others have a more difficult time with making changes and stepping out into the unknown. Understandably, this is especially true in the area of ending a long-term relationship or marriage, a life-altering and serious move to say the least. For those who want to leave a damaging relationship, feelings of “I’m not strong enough yet,” or “I need more confidence” become obstacles when in fact, sometimes there really is no level of self-confidence that could ever make them feel ready to leave.

Let’s look at a fictional example, from one character’s perspective. Remember, the other character would have a vastly different view.

“Melissa,” our fictional character, has been married to “Steve,” our fictional husband, for 12 years. During that time, Steve has been labeled a “narcissist” by various marital therapists they’ve seen together, has had at least two extra-marital affairs, and has been emotionally unapproachable to Melissa. While Steve has not been physically abusive to Melissa, he nevertheless rages at her on an almost daily basis. They rarely, if ever, share emotional intimacy and Melissa feels physically sick when Steve is about to come home after work. Steve and Melissa’s two young children are now reaching the ages where they are noticeably affected by the ceaseless tension in the household.

Melissa, after spending years consulting family, friends and her personal therapist, has made the decision that she wants to leave the marriage. Yet, she remembers the good times she and Steve shared together years ago and laments the loss of that closeness. She is devastated by the thought of her children growing up as “products of divorce.” Melissa is also a religious person, whose faith prohibits divorce and this has been a major, painful issue for her. Finally, and quite significantly, Melissa is financially dependent upon Steve.

Despite all of this, Melissa is intent on ending the marriage. She has spent the last two years obsessing over it, and complaining to family and friends that she wishes she just had the “strength,” “self-esteem,” and “power” to say goodbye. Melissa has concluded that Steve’s admitted unwillingness to meet her half way, to respect her or even communicate with her, has taken its toll on her physically and emotionally over several years. She can no longer focus on the potential of the relationship, but rather, can only look at the reality of what the relationship is, and has been for a very long time.

Melissa is now in a state of paralyzing fear of moving forward. She has consulted an attorney who has advised her of her rights to temporary support pending the final resolution of a divorce. This attorney analyzed her case and explained that while things will be difficult financially, Melissa will be able to get by. With the legal aspect somewhat addressed, Melissa is focused on getting “better self- esteem” before she leaves. She reads self-help books, recites daily affirmations and attends a support group. However, after years of trying, Melissa still feels insecure about herself and her abilities. She is waiting for that extraordinary sense of confidence that she has longed for all her life. Surely, then she will be able to leave.

The confidence that Melissa is waiting for will likely never come under these circumstances. She will continue to feel insecure about her abilities and certainly, about her decision to leave the marriage. Absent those instances when there is physical abuse, there are rarely times when one feels purely confident to end a marriage, especially when there are children involved. No amount of financial stability or boosted self-esteem will make this move any easier for Melissa.

Melissa is confident in her decision and that is about all she can hope for right now. The rest requires a leap of faith and a diving in with her fingers crossed, so to speak. There are no guarantees as to how she and her children will fare without Steve in the household. However, the self-esteem Melissa has been reading about from her self-help books and therapy will not appear in time or through osmosis. It will come only by implementing what she has learned and moving forward with the changes that are painful, but that she has determined necessary for her well-being and the welfare of her children.

If our fictional Melissa were here with us and would tell us that she doesn’t know if she has the courage, perhaps we could ask her this question: “Melissa, what would you do if you did have the courage and self-assuredness you are looking for?” Melissa must move forward, like the Nike ad simply states: “Just Do It!” This is a decision that has been years and years in the making, certainly not rash, nor made without first exhausting every other avenue. Take the first step, Melissa, and the rest will fall together and self-confidence will begin to emerge.