I frequently get questions like the one below about how to make your man commit to a relationship. Well, ladies, here is the scoop – you can’t make him commit. But, and Christian Carter says this all the time – you CAN make your boundaries clear, the consequences clear, stick to your guns and get what YOU want out of your dating life or your relationship. Read on for more….
Thank you for your emails & here is my question. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he still won’t commit. He says all the usual stuff, I don’t have time, I’m too busy, I don’t want a relationship with anyone blah blah blah – and I believed him – until – 2 weeks ago when I found out that when we were broken up last year for 4 months, he joined a dating agency, paid $2000 for a 6 month membership, went on dates with 6 girls, went on 2nd dates with each of them, he wanted more from them but they didn’t want him – ha ha. I also found out that he wanted somebody younger, and he wants to have more kids ( I knew that) but he wants children with someone who doesn’t already have kids. When I found all this out I confronted him (I didn’t tell him how I found out) & he admitted that he did want a serious relationship last year. I can’t believe a word he says. Since then I have stopped being his ‘girlfriend’ (he keeps telling me he doesn’t want a girlfriend) & I have stopped doing everything. I don’t cook for him, have sex with him, help him with his problems etc etc. He came over last night, annoyed that I hadn’t organized dinner (do you believe?) so he brought dinner with him. When we went to bed he tried to have sex with me & I said no – nicely. He kept trying I kept saying no. I said give me what I want & I’ll give you what you want. He kept saying, what do you want? And I kept saying you know what I want (he knows I want a relationship). Then he got really mad (do you believe?) and went to sleep. He woke up this morning at 6am and tried to leave at 6.30am (Sunday) I wasn’t happy of course and let him know it. He was still really angry this morning. Boo hoo – he’s had it too good for too long – he’s been spoiled. I have looked after him & his children, done everything – and two years on and no commitment in sight. So Sarah – my question is – what do I do? I don’t want to be with anyone else. He has his own business & does very well financially with that, he is a very good devoted father and has other good qualities. I have decided that if doesn’t commit to me by the end of May I am going to move away and I have told him that I am going to move away but he doesn’t know when. Please help.
A Loyal Reader
Hi Loyal Reader –
First of all – let me commend you and say that you are on the right track with this. He won’t commit to you, so it is perfectly fair for you to withhold sex from him and make yourself unavailable for the creature comforts he is looking for. However, let me give you a little more direction on how to do this in a constructive and mature fashion.
Dating and relationships are never easy, especially when your boyfriend wants one thing and you want another. This is where a lot of women go wrong, though, according to Christian Carter, and they react in a fashion that could be a little more mature and constructive. So let’s go over what you are doing:
A) You have stopped having sex with him. Good job! And I don’t mean that because it hurts him – I mean that because as a strong, confidant woman, you should not be having sex with ANYONE until and unless they agree to a log-term committed relationship with you. It’s about self-respect, not hurting him.
B) You have stopped cooking for him and seeing to his other comforts. Again – good! But, you are doing this for the wrong reasons, or so it seems to me. Christian Carter’s philosophy on dating and relationships is all about YOU and respecting yourself. It seems to me that you are doing this to be hurtful to him because you are angry. That’s not the right reason, and the effect is NOT the same. You DO need to stop catering to him, absolutely! However, you need to take care of YOURSELF in his stead. You need to see to your needs – which includes – DATING OTHER MEN.
Notice I said DATING – not sleeping with – but conversing with, going out on dates, dinner, movies, fun times, to see who else is out there and to emphasize that if your boyfriend is not going to be committed to you, then you are not going to wait for him to make up his mind, you are going to go out and find what YOU want.
So – you need to stop being mad at him and showing that anger by pouting, giving him the silent treatment or other ways that we women tend to express ourselves. We do that – by the way – because we think that if we SHOW him how angry we are and how hurt we are that he will actually SEE it (which half the time he doesn’t even see it, and the other half he has no idea what to do with it) and he will fix it. No – if you want to show him that you are not going to put up with his unwillingness to commit to you – then do that by dating other men and seeing to your own needs in a mature and adult manner.
Thank you for writing in with your dating advice and relationship questions, I really appreciate it! And in the words of Christian Carter of Catch Him and Keep Him…
Best of luck in life and love,
You may or may not have ever heard of me, but I have dedicated my life to helping women conquer fears, raise their self esteem and find the true love and happiness in a relationship that has been a lifelong dream of so many.
I encourage you to visit my website, look around, read some articles and start to take charge of YOUR personal struggles and your relationships here... Dating and Relationship Advice for Women
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