Dear Dr. Romance:
My partner says I turn him on which means, it seems to me, that he would like to have sex every time he thinks about it. It's almost too much and I don't know how to handle it. My background with sex, including the children's dad, has been: something you do for someone else in the hopes that they will love you. I guess that's really what it has been, something I do for someone else and, yes I was molested as a young girl and forced/raped the first time. When I am single, I would masturbate almost every night. And, when I met my partner, there was GREAT chemistry and sexual excitement but, that seems to have slowed down considerably. I learned, and decided, after my divorce that I wanted a good sexual relationship with my partner.
So, here I believe is a good opportunity with my partner. However, he almost MUST have sex when he first wakes up, and, if we're together throughout the day, he might want it midday if something turns him on, and, of course, at night before you go to sleep. Plus, it's not unusual for him to have 2-3 orgasms at one time. I might have 1 or 2 orgasms a week and sometimes, it just seems like so much work for me to get excited and/or have an orgasm. So, this is my reason for writing.
I would like to continue/connect this with my own sexuality and how can I enjoy it more. I never have really enjoyed it as much as I am led to believe you can enjoy it. I would, at least, like to enjoy it as much as is possible for me.
Your partner sounds like what renowned sex researcher Kinsey called a "high frequency male" with a very high sex drive. You'll never manage to keep up with him. Yes, you can work on freeing up your sexuality and healing the past; that will help, but you need to begin negotiating with your partner now: talk to him, tell him his drive is higher than yours (you don't need to explain why) and you two will have to manage some things. Can you hold him while he masturbates? Can you let him know when you want to have sex, want an orgasm, and ask him to have orgasms without you when you don't feel like it? Find out what the options are -- when you have the freedom to say "yes or no" your own sex drive will increase, and you'll enjoy it more. Your partner will notice this. However, you can't get into any kind of competition with him -- he'll always have more sex drive than you do. It's something most couples have to negotiate. "Relating With Love" will help the two of you communicate. How to Be Happy Partners: Working it Out Together has very clear guidelines for solving problems just like this one.
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Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.
Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.