Dear Dr Romance

I've got some questions about my relationship, which is rather complicated. We both started dating 13 months ago, from the very beginning i sensed that my girl has a troubled mind, she did told me that she has gone through some horrible experiences such as rape. At that time I felt sympathetic and thought perhaps with love and caring I can nurture her and guide her to the right path. So we got together and things were looking good until i struck bankruptcy and have problem with cash flow, hence I can't afford to see her so often anymore, because I've got to get my financial status up and going.

So for several months she had been complaining about my lack of caring and I find it rather annoying because I expect her to understand what I am going through. One time i showed my temper and say some harsh words to her. I said why can't she be more normal and get a proper education or get a proper job and get a proper income instead of modeling job and skip college? She took it the wrong way and thought that I was insulting her.

From there, her attitude towards me has changed, and she often talks on the phone mysteriously. So I started to suspect something is wrong and I checked on her, and found out that she has been cheating on me with another guy. I got very furious and wanted to break the relationship off, she cried and begged me for another chance, and when I saw her crying, I couldn't bring myself to end the relationship and I forgave her. I asked her why she does that, she said that I say hurtful words earlier and she seeks attention from others.

After this incident, I changed jobs and hoped to make things better. For months, she hasn't improved at all and I find it tiring. Until recently, we had arguments about money and she just left me, but days later, she contacted me again and told me all kinds of stories that could jeopardize the relationship between me and my guy friends. I am confused  why she has to do that. Something tells me that she is asking for attention. I am very tired and at the same time, I am very deeply in love with her and find it hard to let go. What should I do? I am only 26 and my subconscious tells me I have a long way ahead of me, why should i cling on? I hope you can give me some comments on this,

Dear Reader:

I think your subconscious is right. This girl has some serious issues, as evidenced by her bids for attention, lying, cheating, and generally being unavailable. She could be bipolar, or just have post traumatic stress disorder, if she had bad experiences in her past. These are serious issues that require intensive therapy, and she will not really be available for a relationship for quite a while, perhaps years. If you want to help her, suggest she find a therapist. Show her my "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" , be her friend, and let go of her as a potential relationship. Read "You Be the Judge" and "Stupid Cupid" to help you figure out how to tell if a relationship is right for you.  Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences will teach you how to create an honest, healthy relationship.  

Love Styles

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com

Author's Bio: 

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.