Dear Dr. Romance:
As a woman in my early twenties, I am finding it hard to get over a man with whom i have been in love with for 5 years. He is married now to another woman and they are about to have their first child.
Seven years ago, I joined a church choir where i met this man. He gives me and some other choir members car ride every Saturday and Sunday to church.
He is such a really nice guy and i had a little crush on him.I think he did not say anything to me about his feelings because i was underage but when i turned 18 or 19 i believe, he gave me a birthday card and in it, he implied that he had feelings for me. I ignored it at first because i found out that he was engaged to another in our same church.
Over time, I started to realize that i was falling in love with him. He treated me so well with respect and lots of care, and I could not help but fall in love with him. Even though he was engaged, he chatted with me online almost everyday.
Things were going well until 2 years ago when he told me he was getting married. I was heartbroken, i cried that night. I think because at the back of my mind, i was holding on to the hope that one way or the other we would end up together.
To make things worse, the night before his wedding, he told me that he had to get something out of his chest and told me that He Loves Me. I wondered why are you marrying this woman. If you love me so much, why don't you want to be in a committed relationship with me.
The truth of the matter is that i wished i was the one he was getting married to and not his fiancee. I was invited to the wedding, went to the wedding, endured it and wished him happiness in his married life. But the struggle continued within.
He still loves me and i still love him. I tried so hard to get over him. To told myself to just be his friend as i have been and be happy for the decision he made. He seems happy in his marriage but sometimes i catch him looking at me with passion in his eyes. When i avoid him for weeks by not chatting with him online or calling him, he gets hurt and feels like i am trying to stop our friendship.
The problem is that i am still in love with him but i will never never in my life have an affair with a married man. Its so bad that sometimes i get so jealous when i see him with his wife. I even compare myself to her asking myself, how is she better than me. A few days ago, he told me that his wife is pregnant and they are going to have a baby. I congratulated him, but for some reason i cried. In my mind i was like, it is over.
Please help. I really want to get over this man. I am sick and tired of feeling hurt over a man i will never have. I want my heart to move one. Right now i am single and i think that is even making things worse. I want to find a man who deserves me and will treat me with love and respect. A man i can love back. A man who will not be ashamed to spend the rest of his life with me.
How do i get over this man??? That is my big problem. I even got mad at myself for feeling sad when he told me that he and his wife are having a child. I am truly happy for them. But i am still hurt. I need to get over my wounds at heart.
I need to get over him in my heart not just in my head. He is making it hard for me still because he even told me that once he thought that he made the wrong choice of marrying his wife. He thought that when he got married that he would forget about me but he did not. And at one time when he was still engaged to his wife that he loved me more than her.
I don't want to feel bitter whenever i see him with his wife and soon his child. I don't want to continue to say that i wish i was in his wife's shoes (being the wife and having children with him). I want to get over him forever. They say time heals wounds. I don't know how effective that is. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me get over him.
Please do you have any advice or words of wisdom? I need to know what to do to get over him in my heart and live a fulfilled life. I have come to a final conclusion that i can never have him ever since he got married and now having a child. I have accepted that reality. But now, i want my heart to let go of him. I will keep praying for God to give me the strength to move on.
Do you see what a dishonorable man this is? Why is he messing with you when he's married to someone else? He would probably do the same thing to you if you married him; he'd flirt with other women.
This is not a good man. He's using you for his own satisfaction, and doesn't care that he's being hurtful. You are right to think you must let go of him. Maybe you'll need to go to a different church to be rid of him. Don't ride with him, don't talk to him, don't be friends with him. You are addicted to this man, and it's preventing you from having real love in your life. Get away from him and his wife, don't associate with him, don't talk to him. Make a clean break. Use "How to Write a Love Letter" as an exercise. It's not a letter to send, but a letter to get out your feelings. Then, read the article "Letting Go Takes Love" and the article "Where is Love?" You are making yourself miserable by obsessing on this man. You think you care more about him than you do about yourself. That is backward. Do whatever you have to do to let go. Find a Codependents Anonymous meeting and go. The people there will help you change your focus. Please, don't let this go on any longer.
The Real Thirteenth Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance, and Independence Beyond the 12-Step Programs will show you how to be honest with yourself, which is the first step to developing an honest and trustworthy relationship with someone else.
For low-cost counseling, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.
Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.