Dear Dr. Romance:
I don't even know where to start… I just did the most stupid thing alive!! I send the man I can't forget a text message…and he did not reply. I don't think he wants to speak to me. He knows I'm married.
I was 20 years old when I fell in love with him. I was since puberty very shy about myself because I did not develop like any other teenager breast and up to this day have never got my periods. At the age of 22 I found out I could never get any children and that I was born intersexual. When I fell in love with this guy I feared men although I so much wanted to be loved. All my friends had boyfriends and I was always the odd one out. When my cousin hooked me up with him I was so scared of rejection when he feels that I barely have any breasts…but at that point I was already in love with him. You know I totally messed up my chances with him.
My feelings was overwhelming for him, when he was in my company I was so dumbstruck by his presence I could not even utter a word. My fear entirely took over and made me the most stuck up person alive in front of him. I'm funny. Loved by many; had so many friends. But when he entered the room I turned into this person I despised.
He was the first guy I ever kissed (at the age of 20) he was the first guy I allowed to touch me and he was the first guy I gave my heart to. But he was also the guy that could not commit to me. Up to this day I still don't know if he ever loved me or was really interested. After 4 years of trying my best to be near him I realized that I need to move on from all this pain.
10 years later I still think of him daily. I'm in my 30s, married 3 years and I still can't stop thinking about him. Am I obsessed about this man or is it true love? He was always so nice to me. He treated me with respect and never used me in any way. There was just something between me and him. I remember him as a very confident person and would make a lot of jokes when he was with a bunch of friends. But with me he was so different. Now I could see that he was actually very shy and little for words when I was around. To the outside world I was a very confident person and very successful in my work. I had my own car and at that stage he was unemployed. I never told him about my sexual issues and to him I was normal with no issues.
There was so much that happened. I could write a book. But one thing is for sure: I can't forget about him. My husband is very sweet and don't deserve this. But we are so different. I don't want to hurt him; but how can I stay with him when I constantly think of somebody else. He wont communicate with me while I am married. And if he ever felt anything for me is still an unanswered question.
My inter sexuality did not even affect me thus much. The saddest part of this whole ordeal is the fact he will never know the extend of my affection for him. How much pain I experienced and that up to this day I still have feelings for him.
It sounds as if you have never let go of your first love, because loving him filled a fantasy and made you feel better about yourself. You need to accept who you are, accept that your husband loves you, and let your first love go. Continuing to stay focused in the past would be a disaster. Create a little ceremony, where you destroy something, a picture, a letter or some little memento that symbolizes this first love. Do your grieving, say goodbye, and put that in your past. Then focus on creating something good with your husband. You can still have a nice life. "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you through this, and "Getting Out of Your Own Way" will help you with self-esteem.
For low-cost counseling, email me at email@example.com
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.
Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.