Dear Dr. Romance:
I was dating this guy for about two years. During the time that we were together we had some good times and bad. For one he was cheating on me with another girl then we got back together. During that time we worked hard to make the relationship work then I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. When I found this out, I finally left him alone.
After our break up he has moved in with another female and he is constantly calling me atleast once or twice a week. Put it this way he will call to see how I am doing, what I am up to, he will call and ask me for advice, or he will talk about what he is up to and the changes he has made in his life. I have told him since he has a girlfriend to leave me alone and not to call me anymore. He has stated that he wants to be friends, I told him no and that he needs to be friends with his new girlfriend not me. He would also deny the fact that he was living with someone else but I knew he was. Sometimes I answer and sometimes I don't.
There has been times when I don't answer the phone he will call my house phone. He is constantly begging me for sex but I always tell him no. Today he called me and he wanted me to meet him down the street because he wanted to see me. I went (I probably shouldn't have). During this time he was asking me about was I in a new relationship and things such as if I get horny. Everytime he has called me and has wanted to meet up and have sex I have told him no. He has also been asking my friends questions about me. Does this mean that he wants me back or he just wants me for sex?
I also told him that I might be moving out of town. He told me if I did he was coming with me. I told him he wasn't and what about his girlfriend he said he would leave her. I am so confused, I still care for this guy even after all the things he has done to me. But I refuse to let him know it. When he does call I'm like what do you want and to leave me alone but he still continues to call ( I try to be hard like I don't care). When he do call me he calls me restricted. I never contact him and I don't ask his friends or family about him. Please provide me with some advice with what to do. Does he realize that he wants me back or what?
This guy doesn't want a monogamous relationship with anyone. He wants someone to be there for him, and have everything else he wants, too. Your feelings are not considered. So, don't waste another moment on him. Block his calls and e-mails, unfriend him from Facebook, get rid of him. Don't wait for him to do it -- he wont. He'd love to have you for backup, when he feels like cheating on whomever he's with now. But, there's nothing in that for you. Stop projecting your feelings on to him. The fact that he's calling doesn't mean he cares. You need to learn judgment about the guys you date. "You Be the Judge" and "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you understand the difference between someone who cares and someone who just wants to use you. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again will help you establish relationships on a more equal basis.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., "Dr. Romance," is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Long Beach, Calif. since 1978 and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again and Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She publishes the Happiness Tips from Tina email newsletter, and the Dr. Romance Blog. She has written for and been interviewed in many national publications, and she has appeared on Oprah, Larry King Live and many other TV and radio shows.