The fear of intimacy is responsible for a great deal of the self sabotage that individuals engage in while in relationships.
If you've ever experienced it I think you'll recognize that it seems to happen almost automatically and as if you have little control over it. Unfortunately after the damage that it wreaks has been done it has not only undermined the relationship it has also traumatized you in the process.
The nature of the trauma can take many forms:
1. Lowered self confidence.
2. Lowered self esteem.
3. Lowered self worth.
4. Feeling defective in some way.
5. Feeling guilty.
6. Feeling like a failure.
7. Feeling depressed.
8. Feeling hopeless.
9. Feeling empty.
10. Greater fears of intimacy.
And so on...
Of course all of this along with the memory of the self sabotage gets stored in your mind and body and adds to the earlier trauma that caused the fear of intimacy in the first place.
Yes, you read that correctly. Trauma in the form of abuse, neglect and/or abandonment is what leads to this fear. Let me explain.
When an individual is traumatized at an early age they often attempt to explain to themselves why such trauma occurred to them in the first place. Children have the tendency to blame themselves for what happens to them even when they might not have been the cause.
They do this because the idea of blaming the other person, sometimes a parent or other care taker is too threatening to them especially if they are dependent on that person. Doing so, they fear, might cause the caretaker to withdraw their love.
So in order to protect the relationship the child unconsciously blames themselves for the incident and then carries this inside of themselves along with the memory of the incident and the emotional pain associated with it.
All of this usually becomes stored in the unconscious mind and body and if not uncovered and resolved it tends to fuel the fear of intimacy in later life.
In order to understand this it's important to recognize that this fear sits on a deeper fear, that of being rejected or abandoned. This latter fear also sits on a deeper belief which is that one could potentially be abandoned and therefore would make the individual unlovable.
This belief that one is unlovable is based on the early trauma I mentioned above and also on the childhood interpretation of the memory which is that it happened because the child was bad and therefore potentially unlovable.
Now for a child this belief is like the kiss of death. It is felt as something akin to feelings of annihilation and therefore is extremely painful and to be avoided at all costs.
The fear of intimacy is supposed to protect the individual from ever experiencing the belief or fear that they are not lovable while in a relationship. So if an individual believes they are unlovable yet desires to be in a relationship it's like they are playing a losing game.
They essentially have to pretend they are someone else because they believe that they are not lovable simply as themselves.
Well of course I think you can see that once one starts down this road the self sabotage has already set in. It's only a matter of time before the partner recognizes that the individual is not being genuine or honest in someway and this then arouses suspicion which feels threatening to our individual.
As the individual is unable to tolerate the possibility of having what they consider their deepest character flaws exposed they generally tend to unconsciously create an incident that finally undermines the relationship. This is because they desperately need to escape before they are rejected.
Strangely the belief is that the fear of intimacy protects them from being found out and it also protects them from rejection.
As I think you can see, and may even know first hand, the fear of intimacy only makes one's life and relationships chaotic.
There is now a new approach to quickly, painlessly, easily and permanently releasing the entire trauma that feeds the fears of rejection and intimacy inside you. It is called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP) and it is administered over the telephone.
If you would like to arrange an Introductory Telephone/Skype Consultation and free yourself from this self sabotaging tendency click on the web link below.
Nick Arrizza, a former Psychiatrist and Medical Doctor, is an International Expert Life, Relationship and Spiritual Tele-Coach, Author and the developer of the powerful Mind Resonance Process® (MRP).
A Free 1 Hour Introductory MRP Telephone/Skype Coaching Consultation And Free Copy of My E-book are available upon request (You will be asked to cover your own long distance telephone charges)
Web Site: http://telecoaching4u.com