Dr. Romance writes:
I’ve been dealing with a lot of unwanted changes, and it’s not easy. Losses, disappointments, changes – we all struggle when life doesn’t go our way. Why is it so hard to handle change? Then there are the changes we want to make, fight hard to make – losing weight, giving up smoking, being more organized. Why is it so hard to create change?
The answer is patterns -- human beings are hardwired to seek out patterns and operate according to them. Every waking moment we are bombarded by overwhelming floods of data, infinite numbers of choices, confusing and conflicting information. Sheer survival depends upon your brain being able to sort through all of this every minute. The ingenious solution, built right in to your brain and nervous system, is the ability to operate according to patterns.
Your brain automatically searches and identifies many kinds of patterns. Patterns of sight mean that you can identify the chair from the table, the dining room from the bedroom, whether you see them in their three-dimensional form, or see a photograph, or even see the drawing created by your six-year-old. A table on a canvas by Van Gogh or Picasso is recognizable even though the perspective is skewed and the colors are strange. It still fits the pattern of table. Kinesthetic patterns mean you can reach for a utensil, pot or dish in the kitchen without even looking where you reach, or grab your toothbrush in the bathroom before you’re really awake. A combination of kinesthetic and visual patterns means you can drive the familiar drive to work without even thinking about it and if you get a new job or move, you’ll find yourself taking the old route if you don’t pay attention.
The stress of paying attention is one of the major reasons why patterns are important. Research shows that moving to a new home is one of the most stressful experiences you can have, right up there with the death of a loved one. This doesn’t appear to make sense -- since moving to a new home is usually a desirable thing -- until you think about patterns. All those kinesthetic, visual patterns have suddenly changed -- the pots, dishes and your toothbrush (not to mention the bathroom) are all in different places. So is the furniture. You’re tripping over chairs that seem to be in the wrong places. You have to think every minute of the drive to work, because the route is unfamiliar. Each of these changed patterns represents a lot of stress.When you’re operating within old, familiar patterns, you don’t need to think about what you’re doing. Your body is wired to do familiar things without having to think about them. This leaves your mind free to wander, and to de-stress.
As I write this, I’m touch-typing. I don’t have to think about the spelling of the words, or which finger hits which key. here was a time, of course, when I couldn’t type even one word without hunting and pecking for each letter, but (in the beginning) painstaking practice and repetition, and now many years of experience, mean that I can even talk to someone else while I type. Repetition and practice made the patterns part of my consciousness.
If you want to change a habit (for example, to develop a habit of wearing your car seat belt) you develop a pattern that incorporates the change (I’ll get in my car, put the key in the ignition, fasten my seat belt, and then start car.) At first, you may even need a written note to remind you of the pattern, but if you consistently follow your new routine, it will be a pattern in a week or two. If you do it for several weeks, it will become ingrained enough to feel automatic you won’t need to think about it at all. Changing even really tough patterns, like smoking, is possible if you break it down into each smoking habit you have (after dinner, at work, hanging out with friends) and develop a replacement pattern for each one (chew mint gum after dinner, take a short, brisk walk during work breaks, hang out in non-smoking places with friends,) and follow each new pattern consistently until all are changed. Having something different to focus on makes the psychological withdrawal easier.
Here’s something that will help: We have a brain mechanism psychologists call "preparatory set." It's one of the mechanisms the mind uses to sort through the enormous amounts of data that flow in daily, and keep it manageable. By writing down the things you want to accomplish and making them clear, you can "program" that mechanism. Once programmed, it directs your attention to certain events and occurrences. To illustrate: When you decide you want a certain car (an SUV, a hybrid, or a Mini) you see that model everywhere, you notice every one on the freeway, you see every ad or commercial. Preparatory set works that way. Once you program it with your goals (visualizing in addition to writing is most effective) you will automatically be more aware of certain events, opportunities and people who can be helpful. You'll also be more clear about what you want, and this will sneak into your conversation and your general attitude, where others can pick up on it. It's not really magic, unless you believe as I do, that the mind is a miracle in itself.
For example, to make it easy to include easy exercise in your life, write down your goal (I will walk an extra half hour a day) and picture yourself walking and enjoying it -- perhaps you picture parking a few blocks away (where it's cheaper) and walk the rest of the way, or get off the bus or subway one stop early, or walk to that nearby restaurant (or art museum) for lunch, or take the stairs instead of the elevator when you go to the Xerox, or take a sandwich to a nearby park, or take the dog for a bit longer walk than usual before and after work. If you picture yourself walking and enjoying it, you'll soon find that you're noticing more new and different ways you can add in walking without stressing about it.
Change will still take work, but using this mental trick will help you reach your goals easier and faster.
(From It Ends with You)
For low-cost counseling, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.
Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.