Emotional Dependency - Damages Relationships

By Sarah A Chambers D.C.H.P.

See all Articles by Sarah ChambersSee Sarah Chambers's Expert PageGet Updates on Domestic Violence and Abusive RelationshipsGet Updates on Sarah Chambers

To become consciously aware you that your thoughts and feelings are dysfunctional can be a life-changing realization that is transformational. Any relationship built on the foundations of unstable emotions will be dancing on the knife-edge of emotional stability. If you are experiencing an emotionally dependent relationship it will be affecting every part of your life, and you may or may not be aware of it. Emotional imbalance that exists within your relationship is not just with your partner it is with you.

Are you a victim or a survivor who has developed behaviors that help you deny, ignore, or avoid difficult or challenging situations and emotions? Perhaps you come from a background where communicating your thoughts and feelings on a deeper level were never encouraged, so you unwittingly developed childhood learned behaviors that stayed with you into adult life, resulting in the inability to communicate your own thoughts and feelings effectively. It could be that you were unable to muster the will power to confront, what you perceive to be, difficult people and situations. Perhaps you relate to the following?

* I am always putting my partners needs before my own.
* I am not happy unless my partner is happy.
* I feel confused about who I am and what I want in life.
* I find that I worry about what others think and say about me.
* I wait for phone calls and text messages.
* I put my life on hold till I see him or her again.
* I put constant effort into my partner.
* I try to be what my partner wants.

Are you are living with someone who has an addiction, or someone who abuses you physically, mentally or emotionally? If so has the time come to take control of your own life and step into your own power instead of allowing someone else to rule your emotions. It may feel scary, but you can do it!

Even though emotionally dependents have altruistic intentions, this usually comes with low self-image and lack of self-worth. Always looking outside them self for the answers that will make them feel better. Escaping the dull emotional pain through alcohol, drugs, nicotine or gambling. They may develop compulsive behaviours like workaholic, excessive cleaning, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

Problems with intimacy, closeness, connection and letting go can cause difficulties, yet at the same time separation results in anxiety. Relying on someone else for your happiness often results in the feelings of being regularly let down. If you find that you are relying on someone else for your physical and emotional survival you unconsciously become an emotional parasite. The reality created by this emotionally dependent behavior can destroy a relationship. Unfortunately emotionally dependent people so often live in a world of their own making that can be destructive, self-critical, and negative.

Are you giving your power away?

When a person is emotionally dependent on another person the consequences are that they give the other person power over many different aspects of their life.

* Are you unconsciously allowing someone to decide how you think, feel and direct your life?
* Do you withhold your true feelings for fear of being rejected?

If you recognize this is the case then you and your partner have been in a cycle of denial that works in three ways.

* Suppression
* Rationalizing
* Projecting.

Suppression: You may have completely overlooked the obvious fact that your marriage-relationship is just not working well. There is no awareness that any inappropriate behaviours are dysfunctional. Suppressed feelings create behaviors that surface in a cycle of phases that be highly destructive.

Rationalization: What follows is the rationalization. The causes for the existence of his or her behaviours always have a reason, such as, the reason he drinks and gambles is because he gets so stressed at work, or violence only happens when we drink. Of course this self-delusion makes it okay, at least for a while.

Projection: Here all the causes get put outside one's self. "It's this, it's that, if it wasn't for, I would be okay." Self-responsibility is so challenging, yet through it all the emotionally dependent partner maintains their deep-rooted belief that they 'should' be able to change their partners behaviour. Unfortunately this illusion can last for years!

Are you dancing the unconscious dance between emotional dependency and your own self-worth and inner freedom?

* Do recognize that change is needed?
* Is it time to turn your weaknesses into your strengths?
* Step into your own power and start the amazing journey of finding the real you.
* You can move forward with new insight and awareness.

It's your birthright to be happy.

Self Sabotaging Thinking Patterns

When love relationships are formed on the foundations of unstable emotions we are so often unaware of it, and the situation always seems to results in the emotional dependent feeling that they have no choice, and this has been incorrectly labelled love! Real love requires the foundations of commitment, trust, wisdom and understanding, this starts with understanding your self. How can you understanding someone else if you have no understanding of yourself?

When a person is emotionally balanced they will not attract someone who is emotional dependent. If you are going to put your self-worth and self-esteem into the hands of another it would be advisable to find a balanced high functioning successful partner that is emotional stable. The problem being is balanced and successful people will not carry the burden that come shackled to an emotionally dependent partner. Because what an emotional dependent person is saying is this,

* I need to know how you are feeling.
* I am happy when you are happy, and when you are sad I will be sad with you.
* I put my self-worth in your hands.
* I give you my power, here take it, but make sure you never hurt me.

Once this dysfunctional behaviour surfaces the relationship will normally end. What follows is heartbreak and confusion from lack of self understanding. Ask yourself this question, what healthy person would want such power over another? Unfortunately, emotionally dependent's options for a partner are so restricted they usually end up with narcissistic partners

Choosing Positive Change

At some point in every-one's life comes the opportunity to choose to change to find our authentic self, who we really are. For us to understand ourselves we need to discover our inner strength and function from a vantage point of being a mental state of clarity. When you are relaxed and clear-headed it creates the space for choose of responses and actions, which that are not based on foundations of outdated self-limiting beliefs and emotional dysfunction.

Remember, your life and your emotional state are too valuable and far too special to be place in the hands of someone else. It maybe that you are unaware of your own unlimited positive potential. Often the first positive step towards change is to wake up to the reality of your situation. This may seem overwhelming and scary, but once you decide to step on the path of self discovery through personal development you will soon find that your personal success has been there all the time, just waiting for you to catch up!