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***Enhance Love With Privacy
By
Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz, the Official Guides To Love |
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Enhance Love With Privacy
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
"the marriage doctors"
Award Winning Authors of the NEW Hardback Book
Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage
Makes a GREAT Wedding or Anniversary Gift
Also available at Amazon.com and your local bookstore
We have witnessed time and time again marriages in which one or both partners failed to understand the importance of being alone, not only for themselves, but for their spouse as well. When we first introduce this concept to others, the reaction is usually one of surprise. Many couples are of the mistaken notion that they are to be constantly attentive to their spouse. While their intentions are good, their desire to be attentive causes them to, in fact, interfere with the quality of their communicative relationship with their mate. The desire for too much closeness can inadvertently drive a wedge between husband and wife. Isn’t that ironic?
In all probability, many couples believe that quantity of time together is the most important characteristic of their relationship. Instead, the “law of diminishing returns” comes into play here. The economists would explain it something like this. Let’s say you buy a case of your favorite cola and decide to drink it in one setting. The first cola tastes great. Perhaps the first two or three taste good. But after about four or five, the quality of taste begins to diminish. If you were to drink the whole case in one setting, you would like each cola less and less until you reached a point where you began to absolutely hate your favorite cola. The “law of diminishing returns” seems to appropriately describe many marriages doesn’t it? More is not always better. Give your spouse some privacy . . . the opportunity to be alone. Expect the same opportunity for yourself. Don’t allow communication in your marriage to fall victim to the “law of diminishing returns.”
In our interviews, we have been continuously reminded of the importance of privacy and aloneness to the success of a marriage. The recognition and practice of the absolute need for privacy and aloneness is, in our judgment after analyzing hundreds of interviews, a fundamental predisposition of successful marriages. The amount of time available to satisfy these two needs varies from one marriage to another and from one marriage partner to another. But one thing is clear, all marriages will stand the test of time only if these duel needs are recognized and respected. How do you and your spouse improve the quality of communication based on this notion?
Each individual has a different level of need that can change at different stages in their life. Understanding and recognizing the level of need can be quite difficult at times, especially for a person with a low level of need for privacy and aloneness. Being alone to your thoughts provides for you a periodic psychological renewal. A few moments alone to your thoughts each day frees the spirit and cleanses the soul. Do not deny yourself these moments together with yourself. You know what we are talking about don’t you? Remember, to recognize that your spouse also has these same needs.
Just as important is assuring yourself and your spouse that it is natural to have this need and that everyone has this need. In other words, feeling guilty about needing and wanting alone time is not appropriate or healthy. Recognize the need and embrace it.
If you and your spouse allow each other time for privacy and aloneness, think of the possibilities. The quality of communication can only be enhanced between the two of you after refreshing your mind and spirit with alone time. Did you ever notice how hard it is to talk and listen to someone else when your mind is overflowing with thoughts about work, home, children, and the like? No matter how hard you try, you listen but you do not really hear. And you want to know why? It is because you have denied yourself those moments of belonging only to yourself. What kind of real communication goes on between the two people in a marriage within this context? We believe the evidence is clear—not much!
Isn’t it interesting that at the root of successful communication with your mate is no communication at all? You’ll have to admit, this is an interesting notion with considerable merit. While we were quite taken with the idea in our early interviews with successful couples, it was not until some of their stories and examples so poignantly illustrated the concept that we fully grasped the importance of the need for privacy and aloneness to respect. Sometimes we try so hard to be great communicators that we end up with results opposite of our intentions. Because of our social nature, we have been misled into believing that we must always socialize. You only have to consider this for a moment to see the fallacy in this kind of thinking.
If we were pressed, we would probably admit that privacy and aloneness have been at the top of our list of needs many times in our marriage. We live such hectic lives at work that the time to be alone with our own thoughts is paramount to our engaging in any meaningful communication with each other. The recognition and respect for these dual needs are fundamental to successful communication in a marriage. If we are unable to communicate, nothing else matters.
You have to belong to yourself before you can belong to others. Do not miss the opportunity. As the song goes “Even lovers need a holiday . . . time away . . . from each other!”
Love Well!
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Note: The preceding article is based on the book, “Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage,” by the award winning authors, Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz, released in hardback on February 1, 2008 by Briarcliff Publishing.
Author's Bio
ow you can order the Doctors' new book entitled , Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage at Amazon.com or from their website with FREE Images of Love DVD. With 25 years of research experience on successful marriage and their own 41-year marriage, Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz know what makes marriage work. From their hundreds of interviews with happily married couples, representing 15,000 years of marriage, they've discovered the seven pervasive characteristics present in all successful marriages. Their book exposes the secrets for success through these poignant, real life stories.
Get started with “the marriage doctors” by taking their Marriage Quiz or asking them a question at Ask The Marriage Doctors or downloading their FREE eBook at Salad Recipes For Love and Health.
During their distinguished careers the Doctors have received some 60 local, state, and national awards; published nearly 200 articles and manuscripts; delivered over 1000 speeches, workshops and public presentations; traveled throughout the world; and appeared on radio and television and in the print media. Dr. Charles D. Schmitz is Dean and Professor of Family and Counseling Therapy at the University of Missouri in St. Louis and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz is President of Successful Marriage Reflections, LLC.
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Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz, the Official Guides To Love
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