Fear of Commitment is Really Fear of (What?)

By Steve M Nash

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How do we solve a problem like fear of commitment, or commitmentphobia?

Well, we begin with understanding what the problem is all about, I guess. And, to give the answer away right at the beginning of this article, it's about fear of the unknown.

Yes, some might argue that it's also about fear of rejection, too - and that is true to an extent - but fear of commitment is much more about not knowing what's around the corner. And, if we searched our childhood - when a lot of our greatest fears first surfaced - 'not knowing' can be unsettling indeed.

So, fear of commitment is fear of unknown.

But how can committing to a relationship be an 'unknown'?

It's quite clear what happens when you commit to someone, isn't it - more involvement, greater closeness, stronger intimacy and... and maybe, eventually, the sound of wedding bells and marriage vows.

So why should anyone fear this?

Well, most people have been in more than one relationship, I suppose, which means that they have probably 'suffered' through the ending of at least one relationship. And when I say 'suffered', I really mean 'changed' - the end of a relationship causes change (perhaps unwelcome) that is unavoidable.

And it doesn't matter who ends the relationship - this type of change 'hurts' everyone concerned.

So fear of commitment could also be described as fear of pain, or fear of change, too.

And this is where I think the solution to fear of commitment lies: in understanding that change is NOT painful; instead, change *can* be endured, can be enjoyed, can even be embraced.

In fact, Guy Finley believes that life is all about change, constant change, or rather "... we're supposed to live in a constant state of transfer."

So as soon as we can realise that life is about change, that nothing stays the same, then we can reduce our fear of commitment to a fear of life itself.

And no-one, anywhere, can really be happy with himself (or herself) if they're afraid of life. Can they?

Of course I could be completely wrong in this 'fear of commitment' article, and Warrell Farrell could be right - there may be nothing wrong with fear of commitment at all:

"When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence.
When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment."
-- Warren Farrell