How Long To Stay Separated Before Divorce: How Long Is Too Long To Be Separated In Your Marriage

I sometimes hear from separated wives who feel that they have been giving their husband nothing but time lately. Some of them are on a trial separation. And some just have husbands who are taking a little time away from the wife or from the marriage. Much of the time, the wife tries her best to be understanding and patient during this time away. What choice does she have, really? The husband will typically make it clear that he's going to take the time whether she willingly gives it or not. So, she doesn't want to make things worse by refusing his request.

But, what happens, when you've patiently given him the time that he has requested and it still isn't enough? This is a common concern that I hear from many wives. I might get a comment like: "when my husband first moved out for what was to be a short separation, I told myself that I just needed to be patient with him. I honestly felt that he loved me deep down and that he would eventually do the right thing and take whatever time he needed and would then come back to me. A couple of weeks passed and he still needed time. I didn't freak out over this. I just told him that I missed him and wanted him home as soon as he worked through whatever it was that he was struggling with. Now, months have gone by. Honestly, my husband and I get along pretty well these days when we are together. We are not together as much as I might like. But when things are going well and I ask when he might come home, he once again says that he needs time. When I ask him how much more time, he doesn't know. I am starting to believe that no matter how much time I give my husband, it is not going to matter. It seems that he needs an infinite amount of time. And I don't want to look back five years from now and still be separated because my husband needs time. But, it's not as if I can give an ultimatum to come home or else. What can I do?"

Whatever Strategy You Use, Give Off The Appearance Of Calm And Patience: I know first hand what a difficult situation this is. I tried to pressure my husband many times just because I was so tired of being on my own when I was supposed to be a married woman. But every time I did this, I seemed to regress on the progress that I had made. So it became clear that having patience and trying to improve the situation were the only real choices that I had. But this didn't make the process any easier and it didn't make me any less anxious to get him home.

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With that said, backing off a little and giving the time he requested (while working strategies to speed things along as much as possible) ended up being the right call because we did reconcile. And if I had lost my patience and demanded that he stop with all of the references to needing time, he may have went ahead and filed for divorce. I'm not saying that you need to give him a pass to take all of the time he needs without complaint. But what I am saying is that I think that you are better off trying to improve your situation quickly so that he wants to come home rather than trying to convince him that he doesn't actually need the time. Or that his need for time is selfish or excessive (because no one wants to hear or admit this about themselves.)

See If You Can Determine Where He May Still Have Doubts: Much of the time, you can break the cause of your separation down to only a handful of components. I will admit that this can be a painful process as no one wants to look their problems right in the eye. But, if you can't name what is wrong, then you aren't likely to work on fixing it. Ideally, you will want to whittle away at these problems during your separation. If you notice that working on your problems is making things worse, then I recommend backing off. Sometimes, your marriage is just too fragile to tackle too many things at once. But if you can at least address the biggest issues, then that will usually help to alleviate your husband's doubts and thus his need for space.

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See If He Will Agree To A Set Time To Reevaluate: I think that one of the hardest things about the request for space is that it is often open ended without any time line. In other words, he's pretty much saying that he will let you know when he no longer needs the space, but the two of you don't have any idea whatsoever how long that might be. So, when things aren't going so well and you're feeling really bad and discouraged, you can begin to think that this whole space things is going to go on forever. That's why I believe it helps every one if there is an agreement that it is not going to be open ended.

A Suggested Response: The next time that he says he still needs his space, you might consider a response like: "OK, I respect that. But my concern is that we are just going to get into a holding pattern here where we never move forward and never make any real progress. Can we agree on a time when we'll come together and talk about this again? Say, in two weeks? In the mean time, can you share with me what might help to address your doubts? I really do want to help and I have no problem with being patient when I know that we are making progress. I just want to make sure that we are making progress.

In terms of giving an ultimatum, I rarely see that work out well. I know that this wife was worried that all of the time in the world wouldn't help. I know that feeling. But giving up definitely won't help. And pressuring him is usually the wrong call also. So I think that the best strategy is to try to get him to clarify what is causing his remaining doubts and then work on those. Also, make sure that you keep communicating and keep re-evaluating. It is in your best interest to improve your marriage as much as you can right now. Because this is usually the quickest way to get him to stop needing space and to start the process of coming home.

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When your spouse first brings this shocking news to your attention there are several things that you should begin doing first if you want to give saving your marriage the fighting chance it deserves. Most of the time, it's these 3 key steps that often go overlooked. They not only help you to begin on the right track to saving your marriage, but can in fact be the difference maker between whether your marriage will be saved or continue heading down the road to divorce.

One of the first steps, and is pretty hard to do but will be of the most benefit to you in the beginning is not to panic. I know this news is devastating and begins to take it's toll on you immediately. Not only that, but it tends to loom on every aspect of your daily life. You can't do anything literally without thinking about it every second of the day. And, to be honest this adds to your sense of panic as well, so it's kind of a double edge so to speak working against you.

So, what do you do about it? Acknowledge it from the beginning, that it's a part of your natural reaction and learn to control it and/or suppress it. Easier said than done I know, but you have to. It only serves to rush your decisions, clouds your judgment and forces you to do things that you normally wouldn't. Know that it's there and do your best not to let it make decisions for you.

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The second thing you should do right away is to get control of yourself as fast as you can. I know it's an emotionally charged time, and your conversations are probably just as charged. In fact, statements like "I was only mad when I did that, I didn't mean it" or "I was angry and confused when I said or did that" are probably pretty regular at this point or will become so if you don't get control now. The bad part is, when we act or speak out of uncontrolled emotions it tends to bring out the worst in us. Your not exactly thinking it through, but speaking and doing things based off of how you feel at the moment. Which can be potentially very dangerous and damaging to your marriage. When it's done, it's too late to take them back, and somethings just can't be fixed at that point.

Although this is the last step in this article, it's not the last step needed to save your marriage but it will help just the same. That is, you should really learn or work on giving your spouse some space and time to think this through. It doesn't help at all to be constantly talking about the marriage. What their going to do, what their plans are, why they want to end it etc.. There's a time and place, but it shouldn't be all the time. This will work against you if you let it, and actually drive your spouse to leave sooner, or just flat out leave to find somewhere to sort this all out. Which you don't want, it's easier to save the marriage if they haven't already left, and not giving them the proper space will tend to do that.

These steps should help get you back on track, but what's equally important is that you begin to plan how you can save your marriage. Figuring out exactly what the root problem is of your marriage troubles and what the next steps are you should take to fix them, while preventing any more damage.

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I'm sure you know that the failure rate of marriages in the civilized world are very high. But, I am sure you didn't know that it was a whopping 87%. This incredibly high number comes from the fact that marriages require commitment and self sacrifice. In year 2009, people just aren't as selfless as that - so they simply walk out of the marriage. First thing, I want to congratulate you for not taking the easy path.

Unfortunately, it's not so easy to save a marriage. Most people think marriage counseling can be a good way, but it works only when both you and your spouse want to retain the marriage. When your spouse wants a divorce, and you're alone in trying to save your marriage, things become much more dangerous.

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Trying to think of ways to save your marriage by yourself is always a dangerous and often harmful thing to do. I know from personal experience that being in a marriage that is circling down the drain is indeed a very hard experience and makes you wild with desperation to save your marriage. And this desperation acts against you - it makes you do desperate things like begging your spouse - and this always harms the relationship even further.

So what should be done?

You should at once realize the fact that by yourself you won't be able to make any progress and probably will end up doing more harm than good. What made me save my marriage was that I realized this and asked for some unbiased, expert advice from outside.

Asking for outside advice is the best and only way to save your marriage!

I know that this is easier said than done, but it is exactly how I stopped my divorce and saved my marriage from what looked like a totally desperate situation. Like you, I needed help doing this. I found help from an outside source - and now I am your "outside source", and want to show you what I exactly did to save my marriage and how I did it.

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First of all, you have company when you desperately cry out for help regarding how to make my husband love me more! Like thousands of women, you too are going through an inevitable patch in your marriage, which expectantly is a couple of years old. During this phase, your husband may look distant and aloof, setting your mind on a spin as to whether he is interested in you at all or not.

But stop getting overworked about how to make my husband love me more. You can revive your just-gone-sour marriage easily, provided you make some small improvements in your relationship management skills.

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When you yearn for those romantic days that you spent just after marriage, first look at how you treat your husband as this can show surprising results. Men react before they act. So if you constantly complain, bicker or criticize him for his inadequacies, it is going to show sooner than later. Treat with respect and you get respected equally. Appreciate him and he appreciates you in return. Remember at the end of the day, most men, including your husband, wants to feel important and treasured. So to know how to make my husband love me more, turn into your old self - love, admire and respect him to win back his adoration for you.

The other common reason that alienates a husband from his wife is when you have strong points of view and do not normally agree to what he thinks. If they are major issues like finance or kids, and you continuously differ in your opinion, he might just shut himself up and sulk. You have to realize that marriage is all about making important compromises. If you want him to love you - say yes to his wishes once and watch the difference your opinion makes. If you are wondering how to make my husband love me more, you could try these very simple things at home which can go miles in improving your marriage and bring you closer to your husband.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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