Wow, some people just know how to push your buttons, don’t they? Wait, I KNOW he did not just cut you off in rush hour traffic and you are already late as it is?! And why is she always so mean and nasty to you? This is her job. It’s what she gets paid to do. You would think Ms. Thing could understand that and just do it without the attitude. And why is it so hard for him to just leave you alone? You’re trying to be professional about this whole situation but he better not let the suit fool him! Hey, anybody ever heard of a thing called customer service around here?! And why is she up in here like you did not clearly and specifically tell her not to bring that person with her? Now you have got to deal with this nonsense when all you wanted to do was have a good time. It’s like the whole world is trying to make you angry!
There’s no use denying it, so you may as well admit how you feel. You’re angry and quite frankly you have every right to be. Yes, you do and don’t allow anyone tell you different. No one gets to tell you how you should feel. You must trust your own emotions to guide you. I’m not saying you should be turning over chairs and slamming doors. Anger is, like every other emotion, designed to alert you. It’s a message. Objectively speaking, it’s just data.
How you deal with your anger says more about you than it ever will about that button-pusher. Besides, the person who is hurt the most by your anger is not the one that caused it, it’s the one holding it. The longer you stay angry, the more damage you are doing to yourself. Sure, you can pick up that hot coal to throw at someone else but you are just going to burn your own hand first. So let me share with you a few constructive things to do with all that anger:
1. Recognize Anger For What It Is
When you get a message, it’s important not to ignore it. You can spend time acting like anger is something more benign but that is just a waste of time and energy. Pretending you are not angry makes as much sense as pretending you are not holding a burning hot coal. Oh, you think we don’t notice that look on your face? The sooner you recognize it, the less pain and injury you will inflict on yourself. I’m not saying you have to announce it to the world. This is about allowing yourself to acknowledge to yourself that you are angry. Once you recognize and own it, you give yourself space to choose how to appropriately respond.
2. Focus On Dealing With Your Anger
First things first. That incredible hulk shtick is so not attractive. Now that you recognize you are angry, give yourself a moment to take some deep calming breaths. Focus on things that allow you to calm down. I’ll be honest with you here, even the most intense emotions can begin to pass within a few minutes if you recognized them and don’t push them away. That said, you are worked up enough as it is. If you are talking to yourself –out loud or in your head – be sure that your words are more positive and peaceful. If you can’t pull yourself to speak positive words, just stay in the space of admitting how you feel and acknowledging this is not what you want. Better yet, just focus all your attention on taking a few more deep, calm, relaxing breaths.
3. Ask Yourself How
There are several Hows to ask at this point. Now that you are aware of your anger and calming down, you are in a better place to choose how you want to respond. Ask yourself: How have you handled this type of situation successfully before? How can you handle this current situation in the best possible way? How can you honor your own needs and still be respectful? How can you do things differently so that you don’t end up here again? How can you make sure the most important things are handled well? A great way to handle anger constructively is to find ways to prevent the situations that make you angry. Asking yourself how activates your problem solving skills.
4. Why You Mad, Son?
You are a brilliant person. No, I’m so serious. You are brilliant! You are also your best teacher. You handled the situation wonderfully. Congratulations! Before you file this moment away in the past, don’t forget to take the good with you. Pay attention to the wisdom you are giving yourself in this situation. There are tips and tools you are giving yourself to be a stronger, more powerful, more purposeful, more peaceful you. No one said you had to love the circumstances. Choose to pay attention and figure out what this moment was showing you about yourself regardless of how you feel about the people and circumstances. Take away from this situation the lessons you are giving yourself about what makes you angry and how you can constructively deal with those triggers.
5. Don’t Forget About the Other Guy
Do you remember those button pushers? Of course you do! As your brilliant self is showing you how to pay attention to the data, bring yourself into a calmer place, figure out how to not be here anymore, and get even more brilliant that you were a moment ago, I don’t need to remind you this is not just about you. The best way to handle this moment is to be more aware and considerate of someone else’s needs and emotional state of mind. Why it that? Well, as you show up in a loving way, the answers you need about how to handle that button pusher begin to reveal themselves to you. You will never get to the best solutions coming from a place of rage and hatred. Let them hate. You stick with the greatest weapon of all LOVE.
How much of your own anger could you dissipate if you were more appreciative toward the people around you? Yes, you are truly brilliant but you could really stand to be more thoughtful. I’m just saying. Wait a minute, I’m not suggesting you have to find ways to be nice to that button pusher in this moment. What I am saying is turn your appreciation towards someone else who needs it. It’s not just about noticing when someone is feeling happy, or grumpy. Spend more of your time considering how your own actions are impacting others. Being angry is no reason to mistreat others.
It is impossible to speak life to someone else and not feel better yourself. Don’t believe me, try it. Move to the right so the driver behind you can pass by. Allow that car to merge in front of you with a friendly smile & wave hello. Compliment her on the job she is doing right instead of bringing up the things she is doing wrong. In silence, look at someone and think “I’m sending love to you. I am sending love to you.” Notice how that changes your mood and helps you to think of more positive things to think, do, and say.
The more love you spread, the more love you feel. The more you give, the more you receive. It is very tough to be or stay angry, when you choose to focus on being loving, and filling the day with life. The most powerful way to constructively deal with your anger is to deal with more love.
I’m curious about what works for you. Did I miss something? What ways have you found to feel more love when you are angry?
Adrienne, the Soul Power Coach™ is a Speaker and Coach for highly creative problems solvers and entrepreneurs who struggle with procrastination, doubts, fears, over-thinking, good excuses, and stubbornness. Adrienne knows exactly how to confidentially coach Helpers who get overwhelmed being there for everyone else, but are uncomfortable being helped. The Soul Power Coach™ has practical tools for the accomplished, respected, workaholic feeling isolated and frustrated because the people around them are behaving badly, or they just want life to be more fun. Clients come to the Soul Power Coach™ needing more focus, organization, consistency, and courage to move even the most impossible obstacles out of the way and feel more unspeakable joy. Adrienne has several ways to work herself out of a job by showing clients how to access their own Soul Power immediately and more consistently. Take the 30 Second Soul Power Challenge & get $275 of do-it-yourself coaching tools free at www.soulpowercoach.com