Your ex has decided to finish your relationship. How to get over an ex?! While things were going well you were happy or at least content and you probably had no idea that things would turn out so badly. Either your partner changed and there was no way you could anticipated it or the writing was on the wall and you failed to see it or ignored it in the hope it would go away. They say nothing lasts forever and very few relationships do last for a long time, but this does not ease the heartache you feel when your relationship goes wrong and you breakup. Instead of wanting to change what has happened and what is going on you need to change the way you see things. Were you married, is your ex wanting a divorce? Was it a serious relationship or a casual one? Get things in perspective.
If YOU were the one who decided to end it then at least it was your decision and you were in control and if you change your mind you can probably go back to them, tell them you want them back and retrace the steps so that you are once again together. That is simplying it because there would have been a good reason for you to end it in the first place and returning to them will probably result in it going wrong again eventually. If your partner ended the relationship and caused the breakup then you really are in a bad way. Not only do you have to contend with the fact that you have lost your other half and are now a single unit but you may also have problems with finances, finding somewhere to live, family and friends making comments that you could do without hearing, loss of pride and worrying about the future.
But you can get over this. You really can get over this I promise you. And I will tell you how you get over this breakup so that you can lead a happy life again quickly. Let us take this step by step. How quickly or slowly you progress through those steps will depend on your individual circumstances and how determined you are to get over this break up.
STEP ONE - Make a list of all of the faults, foibles, irritations and bad habits your ex had/has. No matter how well you may have thought you got on there would have been somethings about them that you were putting up with for the sake of the overall picture. Perhaps your ex had a habit of repeating the same sentence regularly, or watching football, or being late, but no person on this earth could spend that much time with you without in some way annoying you at times. Write down every one of those irritations and put it up on the mantel piece or attach it to the fridge so that you see it often and regularly, to remind you of the bad points you have now escaped from. How to get over an ex is all about how you think and taking control.
If your ex had worse faults, such as hitting you, shouting and swearing at you, cheating on you, then ask yourself why on earth you would want to waste time on such a horrible person and work on your confidence issues.
STEP TWO - Remind yourself that you now have freedom. You can now chat to your friend for as long as you like on the phone without getting dirty looks from your ex. You can meet who you want when you want and you have no need to worry about being faithful or what your ex thinks of your new clothes or hair dos. You can get fat, dye your hair purple, eat garlic, travel and a host of other things that having a partner can make difficult. Breaking up has it's advantages.
STEP THREE - Promise yourself that you will not analyse who did what, why they said this and did not say that, why you did not respond different, why it finished, because in a way none of that matters. Either you are together or you are not and looking to apportion blame is futile. You will drive yourself made if you keep going over and over what happened and why. You might work out a good idea of why it went wrong but you may well be wrong. And do not ask your loved ones for their opinions on it. They will be desperate to make you feel better or tell you what you want to hear and they did not really know the person as well as you, so they can only guess. But it is a waste of time to think this way and you are better off moving on. How to get over an ex is about being positive and being your own person.
STEP FOUR - Make a list of all of your good points, you will soon find it is a long list. Also, one man's meat is another man's poison so some of the things that irritated your ex might be things that excite someone else. Your ex may have got fed up with you being a gad about and constantly being on the go while another person might think that is exactly what he is looking for and fall madly in love with you because of this trait. Please do not assume that anything your ex partner took exception to is a fault on your part. Every time you start to lose confidence or hanker for the past remind yourself of how wonderful you are and that you will meet another wonderful person one day.
Your ex partner might have made a fusss about your hobby of collecting thimbles and scattering them about all over the home on various little shelves, spending hours dusting them, where another partner might be fascinated by it.
STEP FIVE - Promise yourself that you will not contact your ex, whether that means texting them, phoning them, writing to them, turning up where they work or where they live or getting someone to pass them notes or messages or spy on them! Tell yourself that you do not want your ex back and they can go and take a running jump and you are better off without them. After all, if your ex was that intelligent and shrewd they would not have dumped you, they would still be with you, and why would you want someone who is stupid? How to get over an ex is about living for today and tomorrow.
Delete your ex-s phone numbers and email addresses, throw away letters, photos and other things that might tempt you to get in touch again. Get rid of anything that might make you wistful to return to the past.
This also applies to revenge! Forget about telling their friends all the gruesome details of what happened or how you caught them in bed with your rival. Forget about trying to get them the sack from their job or throwing a brick through their window. It would give you a five minute rush of delight and then you would have all sorts of misgivings and wonder what to do next. Really all it succeeds in doing is holding you back from a decent future and making you look quite desperate and pathetic.
If your partner went off to someone else tell yourself that this other person is in for a nasty surprise one day when they cheat on them and let them down too. Would you really want to be with someone who is so disloyal and who cannot be more grown up?
Now remind yourself of the exact reasons as to why you do not care or better still are glad that it is over and do not want them back.
Why were you with them in the first place? Was it because you thought you loved each other? Was it because they were someone to see and you hate being single? Was it because you need looking after and they gave you money and somewhere to live? What was so special about them that you cannot provide for yourself or get from someone else. Even if they had been Einstein, Miss World, Donald Trump or Superman there would be things they provided for you that others could and which you can provide for yourself.
Now look at how there is a pay back for them providing this for you. For example, they may have given you some money regularly but in return you might have had to give them sex, even when you had a headache, or cooked them lots of meals, or spent lots of time with them, or listened to them moaning about their job. When you look at it clearly you might find it is better and simpler for you to pay for your own meals rather than give so much in return for so little. How to get over an ex is about being self sufficient and valuing yourself.
At least now you know exactly where you stand, you are no longer worried about the future with your ex. Perhaps your ex was violent or caused arguments or constantly let you down, no more of that.
If you only want a partner because you hate the idea of being single there are loads of people out there that would jump at the chance of dating you or living with you and many of them may well be a huge improvement than the last one.
How to get over an ex is about not allowing what others want to get in the way of what is best for you. Do not try to turn back the clock and get back with them. Remind yourself of why it finished.
STEP SIX - Make a plan of action for the future which does not include your ex. It may be about work, travelling, your family, your friends and your hobbies, it really does not matter, but realise that you can now do what you want and take advantage of it. There may be things you wanted to do before but were unable to because of your ex not approving and now that you have broken up you have more say in what you do. Become your own best friend as you are someone you know you can trust and rely on. A year from now you will feel much better and be much happier, which would not have been the case if you had stayed together with your ex and pretended everything was alright. It is better that it is ended now rather than that it struggles on for months or longer and then ends.
STEP SEVEN - No matter how awful you feel do not tell people that you want your ex back. Your ex may have been a habit or a bad addiction. You are going through withdrawal symptoms, so treat it like cold turkey and remember you will come out the other end stronger and better. Even if you feel awful keep it hidden and do not let it get back to your ex. Your ex should think that you are happy without them even if you are not. How to get over an ex is about having dignity and holding your head high.
STEP EIGHT - Resolve that if your ex partner tries to come back you will say no. You will not be some saddo who sits by the phone hoping it rings or drives past their place whistfully trying to see who visits them or when they go out. Finished means it is finished, not maybe.
STEP NINE - Decide that you need a breathing space now with no partner at all. Either have casual relationships if the right people turn up at the right place at the right time with the right circumstances that suit you, or be celibate, but stay away from a proper relationship until this last one has totally healed and got out of your system, otherwise you will rush into the wrong thing on the rebound for all of the wrong reasons. An expert would tell anyone who is upset over a break up to take things slowly and consider the option of being single, either on a short term or long term basis. There are people out there who have decided to be single forever and are very happy with that lifestyle.
Remember that you managed without your ex BEFORE you ever met and there may have been times when you were very happy and at peace then, you will feel that way again.
STEP TEN - When you meet someone you like a lot and consider to be a possible future partner be more cautious than you were last time. Last time you thought it was the right person and thought it was working and you were wrong. This time take it slower and be more cautious and do not let anyone else rush you. How to get over an ex is about being sensible and preventing another similar situation in the future. Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner, have standards. If you are a hardworking, law abiding, responsible citizen then perhaps that means you should automatically scrub anyone who is unemployed, has debts, has an addiction to drink or drugs off your list of possibles. If you are young you have a right to insist a partner is young too, if you are single you have a right to demand a partner is totally single. People will take advantage of you if you give them the opportunity, so make sure you set the standards and either they live up to them or they take a running jump. Whereas you can have dozens of friends you can only have one partner so be selective about it.
STEP ELEVEN - Work out why your last relationship went wrong and take at least some of the blame. If your partner was a lazy good for nothing who sat around drinking all day, yes they are to blame, but so are you, for not spotting this BEFORE you got together or for forgiving them and letting them off for too long. By spotting where the last relationship went wrong you can make sure that the same does not happen again.
STEP TWELVE - Think with your head not your heart. Remember that handsome is as handsome does! If you meet a man who has gorgeous twinkly eyes and a six pack that does not mean that he would make you a good partner. You are looking for someone to cherish you and take care of your emotional and mental welfare, as well as your physical needs. A good looking, fit man may be suitable as an ornament or to work as a fitness instructor. An ugly man might love you more and treat you with more respect and consideration. It is far more important to make sure that he respects you, is honest with you, is faithful to you and does his share. Allowing looks, chemistry or lust to sweep you off your feet may be lovely for a short fling but not for a serious long term relationship.
By Charlotte Craig http://www.askagonyaunt.com
That is how to get over an ex.
Charlotte Craig at http://www.askagonyaunt.com has been a life coach and relationship expert for a long time, helping famous clients, journalists, experts. She has been asked to write for magazines and newspapers and appear on television and radio. Now she is online and offering email and phone consultations and free advice on her site