How To Work On A Marriage During Separation: Saving A Marriage After Separation

How To Work On A Marriage During Separation: Saving A Marriage After Separation

I sometimes hear from panicked folks who worry that their trial separation is going to mean that they can't save their marriage. They are often concerned that since they are no longer living with their spouse, they aren't going to have the access required to improve their marriage enough so that it can be saved.

Common concerns are things like: "I didn't want to separate from my husband, but he insisted. He says he feels like we need some time apart. I have tried to reason with him, but nothing has worked. He has assured me that he has no plans to file for divorce. He says that we should just wait and see how things go between us during the separation before we make any decisions about our marriage. The thing is, I want to save my marriage during the separation. The idea of losing my husband is not one that I can face. Is there anything that I can do to save my marriage during the separation?"

It's my opinion and belief that there is plenty that you can do. I believe that my actions during my own separation ultimately saved my marriage. Unfortunately, I didn't always do or say the right things, especially in the beginning. But over time I was able to try and tweak some strategies that ultimately made some very big improvements. I will go over some of those things below.

Allow Your Spouse The Chance To Miss You: I find that this is probably the most common mistake that people make. It's absolutely normal to panic and to be affected by fear when you are separated. You expect and fear the worst. And this can inspire you to do things that hurt you rather than help you. Specifically, during this time, people have the tendency to cling very tightly to the spouse who had told them very clearly that he needs space.

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I am certainly not saying that you should ignore your spouse or not make yourself available when your spouse is reaching out to you. But so often, people call, text, or come by constantly so that they are not giving their spouse the time that he has asked for and they are not giving their spouse the opportunity to miss them. The most common reason that people give for beginning to change their mind about the separation is that they found that they missed their spouse and that they realized that they took their spouse for granted or that they should have been more flexible or accommodating.

This process can make your spouse much more open minded and patient when it comes to working through your problems. But if you don't give your spouse the opportunity to miss you, then you may miss out on the positive improvements that this process can bring about. If you fear that you are coming on too strong during separation, back off a bit and see if things brings any improvement.

Take This Time To Work On Yourself And To Reevaluate The Issues That Divided You: Not all spouses will agree to couples counseling during the separation. And many spouses who want to save their marriage become very discouraged about this. But, nothing says that you can not go to individual counseling or do some individual work if you think that this would benefit you. Often, the separation gives you the time and the introspection that you might not otherwise have had. Take the opportunity to really examine your issues more objectively and ask yourself what you can do differently this time in order to get a different result. It's very common for people to become more open minded and flexible during the separation because the distance has given them a little more objectivity that they didn't otherwise have.

And working on yourself and becoming as healthy and as strong as you can be as an individual is only going to help your marriage. There is no need to put your own healing on hold or to wait to see what is going to happen with your marriage. Self work is always going to benefit you and you probably have more time on your hands right now.

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Allow Your Spouse To See That You Can Still Connect In A Very Positive Way: As I alluded to before, fear can cause you to act in ways that you know are destructive and unnecessary. Fear can bring out the worst in you when you know deep down that you should instead be putting forward your best. So many couples find themselves actually arguing just as much or more during the separation because of the fear and uncertainty. Please do not fall into this trap. It's so important that you show your spouse that not only can the two of you get along, but you can connect in a meaningful and light hearted way.

Always show your spouse someone who is cooperative, light hearted, and loving, especially when you are separated. Because your spouse is often trying to evaluate if there are any romantic feelings or if the spark is still there. But if you argue with your spouse every time you interact or if you behave in an abrasive or accusatory manner, then your spouse isn't able to see that the feelings are still there. Alternatively, if you allow your spouse to see the fun loving, sweet, and exciting person that he fell in love with, then he is just naturally going to consider maintaining the marriage in order to get that back.

I am not saying that you have to act insincere or to portray things that you aren't actually feeling. Your spouse would be able to see through this anyway. But what I am encouraging you to do is to bring forth the most positive thinking attitude that you possibly can. Because people tend to think favorably toward those who make them feel positively while they pull away from those who invoke negativity. You don't want for your husband to think you bring him down every time you communicate. Because once this happens, he will start to avoid you. Instead, you want him to get a lift every time that you are together so that he is willing to spend more and more time together so that you can rediscover one another.

I'd like to make one more point. Many people will try to solve their major issues while they are separated. This is an important consideration, but I would suggest that you attempt this very gradually. Often, when your marriage is on shaky ground, it can't withstand you putting it under a microscope and constantly drawing your spouse's attention to your problems. My suggestion would be to only focus on your problems as your progress allows.

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Are you making it harder to save your marriage than it needs to be? You probably are if you don't know some of what I'm about to tell you. When we're in something so sensitive as a marriage crisis, we are often our own worse enemy. But how you might ask, you're doing everything in your power to save the marriage, what else could it be and why am I making it worse? Let's take a look.

If you're like any human being under the sun, then you know doubt have some of the instinctive nature to do whatever it takes to save something so dear to you. No matter how irrational it may seem to anyone else, if you think it will work, then you'll do it. But, don't blame yourself for this somewhat flaw in design of our human nature. It is only natural. I'll give you some examples of what's going on and why it's making it worse on you.

I'm not sure what phase you're in of your marriage crisis right now, but I can guess with 100% confidence you have done some of the following.

When your spouse first dropped this bombshell on you, how did you react. If you're like 99.99999% of anyone in the world, then this news was devastating. You may have dropped to your knee's in tears. You may have yelled or screamed out of anger. You may have overly demanding that your spouse tell you why, when, how long have you felt this way. Why now, what about the kids. This is all perfectly natural, and is expected. So don't worry to much about this one, what follows is of most concern.

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Now that the news is not news anymore, how are you acting and reacting now. Nothing can prepare you for that first day, but what follows is where it is up to you to do something about it and control it. Are you still behaving the same as you did the first day? Are you crying and begging to your spouse that things will be different if they just don't leave and give you time? Are you calling them at work, to talk about it? Are you harassing them at every turn to get answers or ask them constantly why they won't talk to you about it? Are you threatening to harm yourself or harm something dear to them, car, TV, special something for example? Do you threaten to reveal secrets between the both of you?

These are just some small examples of behavior that are ruining your chances to save your marriage. You have to stop doing this to yourself and your spouse right now. None of this is doing any good towards saving your marriage and is just making the whole situation harder for you to fix. You have to except the fact that you need some help and a little bit of guidance right now to avoid making things worse. You could learn right now today how to prevent this kind of behavior, how to act and react to what your spouse is saying and doing. More importantly, what steps you can take right now to save your failing marriage.

It's all up to you! If you don't take this action to save your marriage, then who will?

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I assume that, since you are reading this article, you have a troubled marriage and you want to save your marriage. I was in the exact same situation as you, and I know how bad it feels to be in an ending marriage.

But I did my best - and saved my marriage. Now my husband loves me even more than he did when we were first married. I can't explain how overjoyed I am! Could you, if you were able to save yours? The joy is extreme, it's maybe the best feeling I have ever had.

Since I know how horrible you must be feeling now, I feel for you, and I want to call you my friend. I want to help you save your marriage. So let me tell you what changed the fate of my marriage, which I thought was surely ending, and was desperate to repair.

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I stopped trying to talk to my husband to find a compromise. Why? Well, it is simple. Since my husband wanted to divorce, but I wanted to save my marriage; "talking" to him essentially meant begging him not to end our marriage. And I did that all the time - before I read an online guide about saving a marriage and saw the right way.

You see, when your marriage is ending you can hardly come up with effective ways to stop your divorce. To do that, you need a good understanding of human psychology and ways to put that knowledge into good use. But when you have an ending marriage you can't do that - because you can't think!

If you want to save your marriage, the best advice I can give you is to stop trying to think of methods by yourself!

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Saving a failing marriage can be a frustrating and depressing matter to deal with. What are the effective ways on how to save a failing marriage?

- Bring back the sparks and excitement

A marriage can become plain and boring when both are together for too long. Many couples will overlook to maintain the excitement in the relationship. It starts to become a habitual thing to take things for granted and sometimes couples may feel themselves not being appreciated in many ways.

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- Learn to communicate effectively

Bad communication is often the killer in the marriage. Many misunderstandings can start off when both parties do not know how to communicate effectively. It is either they will start to quarrel when they are trying to discuss over certain issues or they are not even bothered to talk to each other which make it very bad for the relationship.

- Analyze the problems in the relationship

If you want to know how to save a failing marriage effectively, you have to analyze the problems in the relationship. Figure out the ways to solve the problems.

- Share your thoughts with your spouse

You have to convince your spouse to try out the relationship one more time. Share with him or her about your thoughts and plans to make the marriage. Never try to argue or show out any of your neediness. Make it a stress free discussion.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.