I cheated on him and had an abortion but I want him back

I got the following email from one of my site visitors:

My husband & I are currently separated. I have messed up big time and I know that. About 4 months before we got married I found out I was pregnant. My dad was going through treatment for lung cancer and the Dr told us not to move our date forward, but not to move it back either. I, without talking to my husband, had an abortion because I wanted more than anything to have my dad at my wedding. When he found out, he was mad, but he said he forgave me.

Last fall we were having marriage problems of just not getting along and being distant. One night a guy started texting me and I was stupid and went to his house, while my husband was asleep upstair, and had a one time affair. About 5 days later I told my husband because I felt awful, he did nothing to deserve that.

We moved on and I am now 3 months pregnant with our baby. He made me mad about a month ago and I had had a bad day, which is no excuse, and lashed out with I f@#*ing hate you. It was at that moment that he decided he couldn’t take anymore. I don’t blame him, though. He left 2 weekends ago, but then came back home. He then left again last Sat and hasn’t been back. He said he needs time and space. I have begged for forgiveness and apologized over and over.

I wish I could change the past but I can’t, I can only make the future better. He knows I love him and he says he loves me and always will. I have asked him to see a marriage counselor, but he refuses. I also have 3 other children at home that he is a dad to even though they aren’t his actual blood. I don’t know what more to do. I feel like more world is falling apart. The man I want to spend my life with doesn’t know if he wants to risk the pain. Help!

Loveawake's Responce:

why???

You haven’t done yourself any favours as a result of your past actions, and while I understand that you love your husband and despirately want him back, you might have pushed him a bit too far. He sounds like a pretty patient man, he forgave you after the abortion, and even after the affair, and its possible that while he was still getting over the hurt of those two things you went and told him that you hate him on top of that and he’s probably thinking to himself “this woman doesnt love or respect me”

But I think there is a lot more going on here that meets the eye, people that are happy in a relationship dont go out have affairs, (especially women) people that are happy in their relationship dont lash out with words like “I hate you” yes they might have moments of disagreements but “I hate you” is such a strong statement that suggests that you yourself might have been enduring some issues in the relationship that have caused you great anger and unhappiness which you have probably been suppressing.

He probably doesnt want to see a marriage counselor because right now he is thinking “I’ve had as much as I can take in this relationship and I’m done” but thats just how he’s feeling right now and he’s feelings might change in the future.

But like I said earlier there is no smoke without fire and although what you have done to him is really bad and inexcusable, I have a feeling that he has done some things that might have provoked you, but the way you handled the provocation was really bad, you really must learn how to manage your emotions, actions and the words that come out of your mouth during a time of anger otherwise you will end up doing and saying things you will regret.

I dont want to give you false hope, it will be difficult to save this relationship because of the the things that have happened, I mean lets look at it this way, if the boot was on the other foot, would you want to carry on with the relationship, and I also want you to do a self search and ask yourself if you really do love and respect this man, and if you do, then what are the reasons for your past actions, be really honest with yourself, are you really happy with him or are you just comfortable in that relationship, is he really enough for you, do you have unresolved issues which might be leading to hatred?

Before trying to get him back, deal with you first, work on yourself and become whole, it is only when you are whole that you can have the confidence to rebuild the relationship knowing that you are not just ready but also able to do right by him. Two unwhole people cannot have a whole marriage. He will only be willing be able to give you another chance if he has evidence that you are a new person although I have the feeling that he has some work to do on himself as well.

Hope my advice helps. In any case there is a book that might help you get him back. The book is called the magic of making up and is basically a manual on how you can stop break up and divorce in your relationship even if the situation seems hopeless. It might help you.