IT DOESN'T HAVE TO HURT

By Gina Wesley-Silva

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My birthday is 4 days before Christmas, on December 21st. It is the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year. And, due to the fact that it is so close to the holidays, my birthday has often been disappointing because the recognition and celebration of it gets lost in the overwhelming spotlight of Christmas!
Recently though, as the holiday season approached, I made a commitment to myself to fully enjoy my birthday that year, come what may! And, it is because of that decision that I received the best birthday gift ever, in the form of a life lesson from The Universe.
At that time, my husband was not an overly romantic or even considerate man. He had been unemployed off and on for three years and said he felt “used” because I adamantly pursued an entrepreneurial career instead of just getting “a job”, as he had often suggested. He called himself a “realist,” and labeled my pursuits and outlook as ridiculous and unreal. And, even though I had always worked and contributed financially and responsibly to the household, he never acknowledged my contributions at all.
As usual he had not gotten me a gift for my birthday, but for the first time in the seven years we had been together, I was okay with that, mostly due to my previous commitment to remain happy no matter what. In fact, we had decided to spend my birthday finishing Christmas shopping for the kids, and possibly getting me a dress to wear on New Years’ Eve. I realized I had totally lowered my standards, but I didn’t care. I was just glad that I had finally figured out how not to let my husband ruin another birthday or holiday for me.
So, off we went on that gray, drizzly, 50 something birthday of mine. Within an hour we were in an argument over whether or not to put up a Christmas stocking for his daughter who had moved out a few years earlier. ( I couldn’t believe it! Yes, I could I knew this man!) Trying to remain calm and reason with him, I reminded him that today was my birthday. He became enraged and shouted at me, “F_ _ _ _ you!” I thanked him, (I’m still not sure why I did that), and told him to take me home, which he did. After he roared away in his new truck I walked around in the house for a minute, confused and numb, and trying to get my bearings.
Soon I decided to continue on with my plans to have a GREAT birthday! And, I was instantly filled with excitement and good cheer, as I happily pictured the shopping spree I would take myself on today! I finished wrapping some more presents, put them under the tree, and left.
It was still gray and drizzling outside but I could not help but notice how the sun seemed to be trying its best to shine on my cheek as I drove. I recognized that as a huge hug, kiss, and “Happy Birthday” wish from the Universe! I thanked God from the depths of my Spirit as a few happy tears fell from my eyes. I was feeling better and better! Still, I could not seem to get the argument and hurt feelings completely out of my mind like I wanted to.
Almost in desperation I consciously focused inward and asked for help. Within seconds, a voice quietly asked me, “Are you done making yourself suffer…?” At first I did not understand, but suddenly, with a flash, I saw how I was choosing to feel badly by focusing on the hurt, the argument, the indignation, the unfairness of it all! Instead of focusing on the sun breaking through the clouds just to shine on my cheek, and the kiss from the Universe, and how it is MY BIRTHDAY, and all the good and great things that that means! YES!
I understood that I never have to hurt over what anyone else says or does! I can just choose to remain focused on my goals and on all the things that make me feel happy, and then they will be powerless to hurt me! I saw that what my husband had said and done, did not have to hurt me! I was making myself hurt! All I had to do to change that was replace those thoughts with thoughts that made me feel good. Further, I realized it was not my job, nor was it a particularly wise use of my time, to devote any more attention to trying to re-enact, figure out, or analyze what went wrong and why! My job today was only about moving on with the process of celebrating my birthday! And my job tomorrow will be to celebrate that great day too, and the next, and the next.
And, in that instant, I let go of all thoughts of my husband, the argument, the hurt feelings, etc. All of it just evaporated into thin air. I was FREE, boundless, powerful, and invincible. I purposely then put the thought of my husband in my mind, to make certain I had let it all go. I saw him then in my minds’ eye but felt only a curious detachment to my previous negative history with him. I saw that I had released my attachment to the drama that was us.
This realization was beautiful, because it transcended judgment, ego, guilt, or blame. I was totally free and baggage-less. It gave me the freedom and perspective to still value what my husband did as “wrong”, but it just didn’t matter that it was wrong anymore. He could do or be whatever he wanted to be, and I was just going to be Gina having a great birthday! Hmph!
It turned out to be a truly great day after that. I felt freer, happier, and lighter then I had felt in years! I shopped with abandon, using my own money, purchasing items that reflected my new outlook and attitude. I was aware that it was the kind of shopping I used to do years ago when I never doubted my style. It was as though I had reconnected with an old, cherished, friend, whom I hadn’t seen in a long time, and I had. That friend was me.
Later that night the whole family went out to eat together in celebration of my birthday. It was very nice, even my husband seemed happy.
Since that day I have remained in charge of my mind, and therefore my feelings. I have also expanded my commitment to myself to endeavor to have a great day every day, and thus far I have succeeded. It’s all just a matter of focus.
My husband noticed the change in me almost immediately and soon I noticed that he began to change for the better as well. All in all, it was the best birthday I ever had, and I am so very grateful!