Do you need to be happy to be kind? Does it help to be kind to be happy? Is your kindness genuine? Do you expect anything in return? Do you do it for the beauty of kindness?
I learned over time that sometimes, I was expecting at least a thank you and that it was making me sad and upset when I was not getting it. So I was kind but I was ruining my own feeling of happiness because of my expectations. Does it ring a bell? So I decided to stop being kind until I would be able to be kind just to be kind, expecting nothing back at all.
Interestingly enough, when I started being kind in a totally genuine way, I have been surprised to see that I was getting things back even from unexpected sources. It is a matter of cleaning your own kindness and learning to give from your heart and not just from a position which needs to be comforted and reassured. It is actually making me feel like a Prince. I do not expect anyone to be thankful for what I do. I just do it because it feels good to help.
The Karpman triangle pointed out many years ago the system where you start being the saver, helping people out and then very quickly, when you are not acknowledged you switch to the victim role to end in the persecutor role. In other words, you help out someone who perhaps not even asked for your help. Then, when the person doesn’t do what you expect back, you tell yourself or others how unfair they are, “after all what you did for them...” and finally, you spread gossips about how ungrateful and selfish they are.
Are we talking about kindness? Of course not. We are talking about ways to value ourselves and flatter our own ego. Kindness is about giving, about being attentive to others, about being open to what is happening around us.
So does kindness goes with happiness? My answer is yes. I think that the happier we are the more open and giving we are. Happiness is making us so full of energy and so ready and available to be there for others. Happiness is a positive spiral where the happier I am, the happier I become and the kindest I am and the happier I become.
If we are in a state of fear, in a mindset of penury and lack of goods, we are self focussed and unavailable to others. If we are in a state of fear, we lose our generosity and our attention to people who are in a worse situation.
The Dalai Lama many times said a simple and single thing to people coming to get help from him.
I agree with him and happiness is not a question of circumstances but a question of point of view, a question of mindset.
How? Well, it is in your hands. You can stop worrying; you can stop being scared
You have the inner power to start being happy if you change the way you look at things, if you change your connection to yourself.
It is so simple that it has to be complicated...
Denis was born in Switzerland and is a French citizen and UK resident.
He worked for almost 10 years at managerial positions in Sales and Retail (Regional Director, Director, Business Development Manager and Retail Director) in France and England. He managed Sales Teams from 10 to 70 people and made a strong business experience.
For now over 15 years, Denis is an Executive Coach, Soft Skills and Sales Trainer and Facilitator. He helps organisations and individuals to develop performance and ability to change. Denis designs and delivers high impact bespoke coaching and training programmes all over Europe.
He is passionate about human behaviour, capabilities and how to push beyond individual limitations. Denis coaches and facilitates mainly at executive and board levels.
Denis’ work in organisations focuses extensively around the connection between well-being and performance, confidence and achievements, and the link between belief systems and success. He looks closely at relationships within organisations and how people interact as a team. He also mediates successful outcomes in conflict resolution situations.
Whether one-to-one, or in group sessions, Denis helps organisations grow in awareness, effectiveness and performance. He has an attentive and gentle sharpness and approaches situations respectfully with a view to providing a conduit for change.
Denis is the co-Author of “101 Coaching Strategies and Techniques” published in 2010 by Routledge.
Until 2010, he was as well Radio Host for a French radio.