Listen Up! Bolster Your Relationships in 4 Steps.

The first duty of love is to listen. Paul Tillich

What was the first thing you did the last time your child came to you with a problem?

Of course we want to help them. Do you jump in and console, interpret, advise or distract? Other times, we feel we have to teach our children, and so we interrogate, lecture, moralize or order.

• If you jump in to point out that “Everyone goes through this” you deny the strength of their feelings.
• If you don’t give them time to let it all out fully, they’re much less willing to listen to your thoughts or ideas.
• If you’re always making suggestions or giving advice, you don’t allow them space to come up with their own excellent solutions—yes, this even applies to your children.

Probably more often than we’d like to admit, we respond angrily—blaming, criticizing, ridiculing, shaming or withdrawing.

However, all of these responses are problematic—whether with our children or with the adults in our lives. These responses end up stopping the communication of real feelings and the development of individual solutions. And this stops developing that close, trusting relationship that is your heart’s fondest desire.

To bolster your relationship like you truly want it to be, try these four listening techniques, adapted from the classic Parent Effectiveness Training, by Dr. Thomas Gordon (though they work wonders for your other important relationships, too.)

1. Listen behind the lines. Try to listen for the need beneath the words and respond to that.

2. Replay. Make it a point to check in to see if you’ve understood something in the way your child intended it. When you do, try to keep your own feelings, opinions and guidance out of it.

3. Let them finish. Try to respond with either noncommittal phrases (such as “I see” or “Is that so”) or with an invitation to say more (such as “Tell me more” or “Go ahead, I’m listening.”)

4. If you truly don’t have the time to listen right at that moment, say so up front but be sure to make time for it later. If you don’t, no one will believe you next time you say, “Let’s talk about it later.”

When you let your children—or your spouse or sister or friend—express their feelings openly and completely, their upset feelings often seem to disappear quickly. Remember, even your children are separate, unique individuals, and that their feelings and perceptions are not necessarily the same as yours (you already know that about your spouse, don’t you!)

• Know that just listening doesn’t always bring about immediate change and that it’s sometimes okay to leave things on an inconclusive or incomplete note.
• Sometimes, just listening to children express their feelings can help them accept a situation they know they cannot change.

Authentic communication with our children, spouse and friends takes time and attention but yields high returns. When you really “hear” them, you get to truly “see” them, which is to “know” them.

Now compliment. Praising before you listen is one of those inappropriate responses. Take something positive that the listening has revealed and compliment them on it, as now you know this is important to them.

Let them know you admire them for sharing their feelings, for what they did, for what they’ve learned through their struggle, for just being them. This builds powerful esteem and fulfills our longing to be known. Listen on.