Men who cannot commit can make difficult partners and for the woman who is keen on or needs a totally serious one to one relationship can be described as a waste of time.
In my thirty odd years of working as a relationship expert, life coach and agony aunt most of my clients have been women who have been upset because of the broken promises and commitments of a man they trusted.
Very often it has seemed to them that their whole World has come to an end because they trusted him so much and he took that trust, chewed it up and spit it out and showed them no respect.
There are men who are decent, honest, reliable, loyal and faithful out there so how does a woman know when she has met one of them and when she has met one of the liars, users or selfish ones? To start with they may both appear the same. The liar does not appear to be lying, he says all of the right things and puts your mind at rest. You can only work out if he is a liar weeks, months or maybe years later.
Even if you are a naturally cynical or suspicious person this does not guarantee that you will know
the person is misleading you because he may appear to be totally genuine - he talks the talk and he seems to walk the walk. Unless you can see into the future there is no way of knowing. He will also sulk or appear hurt or appear to lose interest if you make it clear that you are unsure of him, saying that this is hurtful to him.
Yet over that thirty years of doing this work I have come across many cases of love rats. Men who have deliberately set out to use women. Some of them have been married and pretended to be single and then when their mistress finds out she is not a fiance or girlfriend and she has been duped into being a mistress she is devastated. Others have got married several times and been bigamists, others have been "marking" the women purely for financial reasons so that when she realises what is going on she has financial problems, perhaps huge debts, as well as a broken heart.
There is a huge difference between a guy who is an opportunist and cheats when he gets a chance to have a one night stand behind his wife or girlfriend's back and the cold blooded guy who sets out to find a victim
for something much worse. Any one who would suck someone dry of all of their money whilst lying to them
is not only cold blooded but also ruthless, totally selfish, has no morals, does not care about others and
is probably a sociapath. The snag with these people is they appear and talk nicely. They are charming,
friendly, they can pretend to be caring, they can seem to be romantic and attend to your every need.
You only find out what they are really like if you find out the true facts of what has been going on behind your back.
So, although it is hard to generalise in an article, because in some ways it is very unfair to tar everyone with the same brush and assume everyone is guilty, I would say do not give your heart to anyone until you are totally sure. Have them checked out if you are thinking of becoming serious about them. If the person lives just around the corner that should be fairly easy. You can insist on talking to their family and friends and knowing where they work. You can check their address and phone number and go to their home.
If they live hundreds of miles away it is much easier for them to have a double life and hide things.
They might say they are a travelling salesman or lorry driver when the truth is they are married with children.
They can lie about their job and build it up into something far better than it is or be unemployed.
How do you know whether or not they have a prison record or have been in trouble with the police? If you are thinking of getting serious about a man who is talking about you sharing a bank account or borrowing money from you then it is essential that you check them out. Google them. You cannot make too many checks. You owe it to yourself. Do not let a charming person worm their way under your skin just because they have a way with words or look good. Get to know them thoroughly and slowly before moving onto love.
With a lot of love rats when you analyse the facts other people could have spotted it. I have known many cases of an older and not very attractive woman who has a fair bit in the bank and meets a much younger and much better looking man. He tells her that he is madly in love with her and wants to marry her and she straight away believes him. Based on this she allows him access to her money, property, home, heart and body. Is this man genuinely interested in you? Would he be so keen if he was rich and you were poor? Sometimes if we are unrealistic and greedy things go wrong. If you meet a man who is much younger than you, much better looking than you and who claims to be very rich and on the basis of that you allow him access to your finances then your motives were not good either. You cannot ask too many questions. Of course, if you do not own property, are unemployed and have no money then you do not have much to worry about. Mind you you can always do things the other way around and pretend you are wealthy to get someone interested and enjoy it until they realise the truth and walk away. They would not be much of a loss.
An excellent site to go to to learn more about love rats, relationships, cheats etc is at http://www.askagonyaunt.com.
Men who cannot commit.
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